Your narcissistic ex wasn't born that way. Here's what really happened.

Let's talk about narcissism. Like, actually. The word gets thrown around a lot these days, often during moments of heartbreak, betrayal, or when someone's behaviour just feels… off.

I get it. I've been there, too.

After one particularly painful situation with a friend, I was convinced they were a narcissist. I was confused because I never thought I'd be treated like that by someone I trusted.

Part of me wondered if I was exaggerating the situation — if maybe I'd made it bigger than it was. I'd never looked into the term narcissism before, but suddenly I found myself spiralling, searching for answers, trying to make sense of the emotional mess I was left sitting in.

Like many people, I binged videos. I read articles. I clung to the idea that there had to be a label for what I'd experienced — some way to validate the confusion, the hurt, the subtle erosion of my self-trust.

But here's the thing: while narcissism is real and incredibly painful to be on the receiving end of, we've started using the term in ways that miss the full picture. In some cases, it oversimplifies what it actually means to be in a situation shaped by a narcissistic personality disorder.

Listen: But Are you Happy: The 7 Signs You're Living With A Narcissist (That Everyone Misses)

What actually is narcissism?

Clinical psychologist, Dr. Anastasia, explains in Episode 7 of But Are You Happy, narcissism isn't something you're born with.

Neither is it just about someone being selfish or full of themselves.

It's a complex personality structure, often shaped by early emotional wounds such as neglect, shame, or emotional abandonment and a deep fear of vulnerability.

People with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) — which can only be diagnosed by a mental health professional — tend to construct a persona of superiority or control to protect themselves from feeling weak, flawed, or unworthy.

Behind the inflated ego? Often, there's a deeply insecure person who has learned that dominance and detachment are safer than emotional exposure.

That doesn't excuse harmful behaviour. But it does explain the why, and understanding that can help you step out of confusion and reclaim your power.

I remember talking to a friend, someone I deeply respect and trust. I was mid-rant, trying to make sense of this emotional mess and the term 'narcissism', when they gently said:

"Ashani, I think there's a difference between narcissism and someone who displays narcissistic traits."

At the time, I was still raw. Still in the fog. Her words gave me a new lens, one that didn't excuse the behaviour, but helped me hold it with more clarity and less self-doubt.

There's a real difference between someone with narcissistic personality disorder and someone who simply displays narcissistic traits.

Plenty of people can be arrogant, entitled, or preoccupied with power or status. That doesn't automatically mean they have a personality disorder. Just like having a cough doesn't mean you have pneumonia.

That distinction matters because when we use the term too broadly, we flatten the nuance, and sometimes block ourselves from deeper healing.

Narcissistic traits.

Here are seven common narcissistic traits to look out for:

• Exaggerating achievements or self-importance

• Needing constant admiration

• Believing they're "special" or above others

• Exploiting others to get what they want

• Struggling to recognise or care about other people's needs

• Acting dismissively or superior

• Assuming others are envious of them

At first glance, it can look like a checklist for someone in your life, and it may fit the context of what you went through with that person. But unless someone has been formally assessed by a qualified professional, we can't (and shouldn't) label them with a personality disorder.

That realisation helped me stop obsessing over what they were and start asking a more powerful question: "Regardless of the label, did this relationship feel safe, respectful, and reciprocal?"

So what do you do with all that pain?

Just because someone isn't technically a narcissist, it doesn't mean they didn't hurt you. It doesn't mean what happened didn't affect your nervous system, your sense of self, or your ability to trust.

Instead of defaulting to "they're a narcissist," try going deeper:

What was the behaviour that hurt you? What boundary was crossed? What part of you felt unseen, unheard, or unprotected?

When I started asking myself those questions, I realised I wasn't just angry at them. I was angry at myself for staying quiet, for over-explaining and for abandoning myself. 

That's when the real healing began.

The hardest part of healing.

Forgiveness isn't about excusing someone's behaviour. It's about choosing not to carry the weight of it anymore.

For me, forgiveness looked like writing it all out in my journal.  Crying on the phone to a friend. Talking openly with mentors, coaches, and mental health professionals who helped me make sense of it all.

And eventually, forgiving myself — for tolerating less than I deserved, for not speaking up, and for not trusting my gut.

But I also had to forgive them.

Not because they asked for it. But because carrying resentment only tied me to pain that I didn't want to keep living in. 

Forgiving someone who hurt you is one of the hardest things to do. But do it for your own healing.

Not to let them off the hook, but to set yourself free.

Words carry weight.

One more thing I've learned along the way: our words carry weight. The next time you feel the urge to call someone a narcissist, pause. Take a breath. Remember this:

Even if they did a really hurtful thing. Even if you didn't deserve what happened. Even if they never owned it.

There's still a human being on the other side. One who is likely broken, fragile, and deeply insecure even if they never show it.

You don't need to protect them. But you also don't need to weaponise your words in a way that takes you out of your integrity and peace. 

Because speaking from pain is one thing. Speaking from power is another.

You don't need a label to validate your experience.

You don't need a diagnosis to walk away from a dynamic that doesn't feel good.

And you definitely don't need to stay in a relationship, romantic or otherwise, just because you understand the person better.

Empathy is powerful. But it should never come at the expense of your peace, your truth, or your boundaries.

Because love, friendship, and loyalty should never require you to abandon yourself.

Feature Image: Getty.

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