The expert-approved hack that will stop 90 per cent of sibling fights.

As parents, few things test our patience more than the constant bickering between siblings. Whether it's arguing over toys, personal space, or who breathed too loudly, these conflicts can feel relentless and are exhausting.

On a recent episode of This Glorious Mess, parenting expert Gen Muir shared her game-changing hack for reducing sibling rivalry that might surprise you.

Because, according to Gen, we've been looking at sibling rivalry all wrong.

Watch: Gen Muir talks about sibling fighting on This Glorious Mess. Post continues below.

"Understanding that 90 per cent of sibling fighting is actually about our kids trying to connect, trying to draw us in, or trying to get help regulating their emotions, and not about our kids fighting about whatever it is in front of them," Muir explained.

"So it's not about the block or the toy or someone who borrowed my clothes or whoever's breathing on me, more than it's about our kids drawing us in."

This perspective shift can be revolutionary for frustrated parents. Those seemingly pointless arguments about who has the bigger chicken nugget aren't actually about chicken nuggets at all.

Why do kids pick fights to get our attention?

"One reason is that children have a really slow developing prefrontal cortex, which means they have more trouble regulating and expressing and understanding their emotions until they're adults. And so in the meantime, they don't come to us and say, 'Hey, I'm feeling down. I need you.' What they do is they show us through behaviour."

And what behaviour gets the biggest reaction from parents? Picking on a sibling.

"That's because when one of our kids picks on a sibling, it threatens a value, something really, really important that we have within us that makes us really jump and kind of overreact," says Muir.

"The value is because one of our greatest hopes as parents is that we really want kids who get along one day. So that matters a lot to us. Our kids can sense that in the way that we are so reactive, so big, and so loud to those sibling fights."

The connection paradox.

The irony is that while children are seeking connection through these behaviours, the type of attention they receive is often negative — yet it's still attention.

"Now it's not a good connection that they get, but it is fully focused, and we can't argue with that, right? They always get the response," Muir points out.

"And that's why sibling fighting can feel repetitive and exhausting and ongoing and like it will never end. So, once we understand that sibling fighting is mostly about us and not about our kids at all, we can then take it less personally, and we can look at what the plan is to address this."

The 10-minute connection hack that changes everything.

Muir's solution is surprisingly simple yet counter-intuitive for many parents.

"The hack is really all about connection. One of the biggest parenting interventions you can use in your parenting, but particularly with sibling fighting, is to give one of those kids, particularly the protagonist, nine to ten minutes of really focused one-on-one time, where you completely join them in their world and you make them feel really special," she says.

This approach often feels wrong to parents. After all, why would you reward the child who's causing problems?

"Now, that can feel really counter-intuitive, because they're being the 'bad kid', right? That keeps picking on their sibling, but actually, when we meet them with that compassion, that kindness and kind of get into the underlying need, which is a need for connection, that child feels better. That child feels connected. That child feels really attached and seen by us."

The results can be transformative.

"A child that feels all of those things is so much less likely to lash out at a sibling because they're feeling good. A child that feels disconnected, a child that feels that they're getting it wrong in our eyes, they're more likely to lash out at that sibling."

"This is really, really hard to do in practice. It is something I constantly struggle with as a parent educator, and as a mum, because we can know this, but in the moment, it's so hard not to get pulled in by that narrative that maybe my kids will never get along."

Listen to the full interview with Gen Muir. Post continues below.

Practical strategies to try today.

Muir offers several practical approaches for reducing sibling conflict:

• Give 10 minutes of one-on-one time. Create mini-moments of connection throughout the day with each child.

• Narrate rather than intervene. Instead of taking over conflicts, calmly describe what's happening to teach negotiation skills. "Narrate the moments, rather than stepping in and taking over, so that you are calmly teaching your kids those conflict and negotiation skills that they so badly need to build when a fight happens."

• Connect before correcting. "Get in low and offer connection first, not that big, bad, loud correction and really try to be as neutral as Switzerland, not labelling one kid as the bad guy."

• Prioritise empathy. Only once children feel seen and heard can real learning happen. By re-framing how we view sibling rivalry – as a call for connection rather than pure conflict – parents can break the cycle of constant fighting and help their children develop better relationship skills.

"If we can really kind of view that this is all about our kids pulling us in, that it's often about our relationship with our child and not about the kids and each other, we've got a really big chance to make a difference," she said.

Gen Muir is a Parent Educator, mum of four, and host of Mamamia's How To Build a Universe podcast.

You can get Gen Muir's step-by-step training program on how to respond to sibling conflict here. Or find her on Instagram @connectedparentingau

Feature Image: Supplied.