'My brother opted out of my life years ago. This is how I deal with sibling estrangement.'

When people ask if I have a sibling, I don't know what to say. Technically, yes. But for all intents and purposes, no. My brother opted out of my life many years ago, after well over a decade of me trying to be the person he wanted.

The first time he cut me out of his life was over a trivial argument that ended with him saying I was dead to him. A few days later, he decided to get married (a marriage that lasted weeks) and for the next month until they got married, I was the "supportive sister."

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He wouldn't apologise and we weren't speaking, but I still went engagement ring and wedding dress shopping, did his fiancée's wedding makeup and walked her down the aisle (she had her own dysfunctional family that resulted in no one from her side attending the wedding).

Only the day before they were married and at the insistence of my mum, did my brother apologise.

I realise there is an enormous amount of dysfunction wrapped up in all of that. Perhaps my behaviour of acting as if everything was fine would also be viewed as dysfunctional, but it has always been important to me to not let someone else's behaviour affect my own. Regardless of what was going on and how difficult it was, I needed to be able to look back and have no regrets.

In the 15 years since the wedding/divorce, he cut me out of his life once or twice. In between those times, we spent time together like "normal" siblings. But it always disintegrated after a while and he would air his frustrations once again (issues I thought we had resolved). The endless and countless conversations to try to understand him and live life around him by his rules, amounted to nothing.

In the 8 years since he cut me out of his life for the final (?) time, I've felt so much anger, sadness, shame, anxiety and grief. I've created a life he knows no more about than an acquaintance would. I met my partner, became a stepmother and then a mother, dealt with health issues and assorted trauma and loss, experienced redundancies and started a new career.

Admitting to people that my brother cut me out of his life used to feel shameful. What would the person I told think of me? Would they immediately conclude I must be an awful person? I'd brace myself for the look of shock on their face and then the question that always followed: "Why?" I wish I had an answer. For people who know me or both of us, they can't make sense of it either.

Over the years I've had to do a lot of work to emotionally manage being estranged from my brother. I constantly asked myself if I was the person he saw me as, even though evidence was to the contrary (and he had also cut ties with other family members). But logic doesn't reign supreme when it comes to emotion and perhaps that is how he has ended up thinking this is the solution.

Family estrangement feels like a break-up you didn't want. Only family isn't a romantic relationship and we aren't meant to break up. Not only are siblings those you are meant to know the longest in life, they are family, who are meant to love and support you unconditionally. So, when they choose to not be there, and you have no choice in it, it is both heartbreaking and profoundly destabilising.

When I was little, I loved the movie The Labyrinth, admittedly in large part to David Bowie's character of the Goblin King (the creepy and inappropriate love interest of a teenage Jennifer Connelly). There is a scene at the end of the movie, where Connelly's character, Sarah, realises the Goblin King is in fact powerless. "You have no power over me," she says with astonishment. As soon as she says those words, the fake world around her disappears and she returns home.

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Her words, once remembered, became a mantra for me whenever I got upset over my brother. For so long, I had been letting his words decide who I was and letting his actions make me feel bad about myself. With that mantra, I freed myself from the hold he had on me.

The fact that I can write and share this now, shows how far I have come emotionally. I no longer feel shamed by his choice, but empowered by the hard-fought peace of mind that comes from deciding to just let go.

Feature image: Supplied.