Welcome to the latest thing new mothers are torturing themselves over.

Because expectant mothers don’t have enough to think about…

Bottle or breast.

‘Natural’ or C-Section.

Epidural or drug-free.

Brazilian or Au Naturel.

Welcome to the latest thing women are torturing themselves over: Whether or not to get a bikini wax before giving birth.

The ‘Should I…?’ question has loomed over pregnant women since the Full Bush made way for the Brazilian. And online forums are full of mothers and mums-to-be debating the pros and cons of bikini waxing before birth.

One pro-waxer who got a Brazilian and a pedicure before both her babies were born writes: “I know obstetricians and nurses have seen every type, shape and amount of hair down there, and that no woman should be embarrassed if her lady bits aren’t neat and tidy, but I’m just so used to being groomed.”

Rebecca Eckler adds: “Wouldn’t you want to look and feel beautiful for what is most definitely one of the biggest events in your life? I can’t think of a better time to look your best… Feeling ready for your close-up can give you a small sense of control.”

But if you’re pregnant or got here because you Googled the words “wax before birth”, put down the at-home waxing kit or cancel your appoint.

Because no one cares about your pubic hair in the labour ward.

After giving birth twice, I get it, I really do.

As someone who went into labour four weeks early, I’d filed my pubic hair situation under Things To Do Before The Baby Comes. Except that time never came.

When my waters broke at 2 am, completely unprepared for what was about to unfold, I briefly contemplated shaving my legs and bikini line. But since contractions and razors don’t generally mix, I went with the ‘Nah, stuff it’ option instead. And I’m glad I did. If I had spent time de-fuzzing, it’s very likely my daughter would have arrived via an unintentional homebirth.

At the hospital, I remember being mortified when my obstetrician patted the forest where my leg should have been. Vainly, I thought he was judging me on my lack of personal grooming standards (Hi Geoff!) But you know what? My mortification ended roughly 10 seconds later when the hardcore contractions kicked in, and the midwife blurted out the words, ‘There’s no time for an epidural, you’re having this baby NOW!’

As anyone who’s given birth knows, there’s no room for vanity in the delivery suite. And nor should there be. If there’s one place that should be free from the prescribed notions of what a woman’s body should look like, it’s in labour.

The maternity ward is a sacred place where you can leak bodily fluids on the floor, grunt like an animal, profess your undying love to your anaesthetist, or you know, shit on the bed without judgement. With all that going on, a bit of pubic hair is the least of anyone’s worries – especially yours.

Your vulva could be a Brazillian’ed bedazzled masterpiece, but no one gives a shit. Not your obstetrician, not the anaesthetist, not the midwives. They’ve seen it all. And they’re there to do one job, deliver your baby safely into the world.

If you’re having a C-section, hair removal is a practical option for both the operation and after care. De-fuzzing is also practical for dealing with the bonus six-week long period you get after birth, whatever your delivery method.

If you want lie spreadeagled with hot wax on your nether regions while a nine-month-old foetus presses down on your bladder, more power to you. You’re a braver woman than me. But just don’t do it to “look good down there” or to be “camera-ready” for the doctors or nurses. Because how can I stress this enough? THEY DO NOT CARE.

Pregnancy comes with enough arcane rules, let’s not make a mandatory Brazilian wax one of them.

For more on, ahem, grooming… Take a look at these:

‘My first ever Brazilian wax.’

5 things every Brazilian waxer wishes you would stop doing.

Women are now getting pubic hair transplants.

FLUFF: Mannequins have pubic hair now.