'I help couples overcome "sexual flatness". There's 4 steps I swear by.'

For many couples in long-term relationships, 'sexual flatness' gradually creeps in, transforming what was once passionate into something routine or mechanical.

Renowned psychotherapist Esther Perel coined this term to describe the loss of vitality and pleasure that can occur when intimacy becomes predictable or obligatory rather than exciting and connective.

But according to relationship expert Nikki Goldstein, the path back to pleasure might be simpler than you think.

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"Sexual flatness can be completely normal and natural depending on what you are going through and very common for a lot of people," Goldstein explained.

One of the biggest contributors to sexual flatness is the sheer volume of pressure modern couples face.

"When you look at relationships now versus 30 odd years ago, we're under so much more pressure and stress financially, globally — we're all affected by what's going on in the world," Goldstein pointed out

"Women are working as well as men. We're trying to juggle household and children, so there's a lot of pressure on us, and then our sex lives become 'ticking off a list' because you feel that you should be having sex in order to keep your relationship going."

This obligation-based approach to intimacy can quickly drain pleasure from what should be a mutually satisfying experience.

"For so many of us, we think, 'this is what you should be doing in a relationship'. Or 'I should be having sex with my partner. I really don't want to, but I don't want them to have sex with someone else'," she said

"But if you're not enjoying that sex, and it's not pleasurable, or maybe it's pleasurable for one person, and it's not for the other, then that's where it can become an issue, and you think, 'I want to change that.'"

The first step is to look inwards.

Before attempting to address sexual flatness with your partner, Goldstein recommends self-reflection.

"The first thing is to look within your own life and your own sexuality and think, what is it for you that might be stopping you from enjoying sex? Is it something in your relationship? Are you resentful, and is the resentment building up?" Goldstein said.

"Are you just really busy and stressed? When you're not sleeping, you're up late, the last thing you want to do is have sex. Is it something medical, whether that's sexual, or you're just really lethargic, you've been through health problems? Or even something emotionally in your mind that you're withdrawing from your partner because you're struggling with something that's going on?"

Understanding these personal barriers is essential before you can work on reconnecting.

Starting the conversation.

The next step is communication — which can feel awkward when bringing up your sex life.

"There's no right or wrong way as to how you start this conversation," Goldstein said.

"Sometimes it's useful to use social media as a scapegoat. For example, you could say 'I was looking on Instagram the other day, and I saw this post that actually really hit a nerve with me,' or 'I read this article, and I thought it was really interesting'."

This approach helps avoid comments that might make your partner feel like a failure or inadequate. It's also a less daunting way of being able to bring sexual topics into a relationship without launching into a conversation that sounds like 'I'm not happy in our sex life'.

The simple solution: KISS.

When it comes to reigniting sexual passion, Goldstein is a firm believer in the KISS principle — Keep It Simple, Silly.

"Before you start to have a look at introducing something new, try and slow down and get back to the basics," she advised. "We think we have to be doing sexual acrobatics, or we have to be doing certain moves, but sometimes it's those basic things, like kissing and touching and feeling each other's bodies that we actually probably used to do when we were younger that felt really naughty."

She notes that many couples rush toward the "end game" while skipping the essential warm-up activities that build anticipation and pleasure.

"If you can maybe have a few nights where you just say, 'You know what? We're just going to have a bit of a make-out session and see what happens' and not put the pressure that this is going to end up in how we identify what sex is to us."

Goldstein recommends creating intentional time for exploration without expectations.

"Slow down kissing, look at touching. We're giving each other a massage. Jump in a bath together and just explore each other's bodies. And it sounds really funny, because these simple things that maybe dismissed for play, but they're also these things that allow us to become aware of how we feel about the other person."

Remembering teenage tingles.

Perhaps the most powerful insight Goldstein offers is the reminder of how sensitive and responsive our bodies naturally are when we're not rushing.

"Our bodies are capable of so much, but we don't give them enough credit. And it's those basic things like when you were a teenager and you started exploring sexuality, and the littlest kiss and the littlest touch would seem to tingle up your spine."

She explains that this kind of fundamental pleasure is what builds the foundation for a satisfying sex life.

"If you are able to tap into that pleasure centre of your brain where you start to feel good about your own body, start to feel good with someone else, that's the building block to then being able to work out, what do we want to try next?"

Goldstein encourages couples to rediscover the natural pleasure that comes from genuine connection and unhurried exploration, proving that sometimes the path to exciting intimacy isn't about adding something new, but removing the barriers to what's already there.

For more from Nikki Goldstein, you can follow her on Instagram here.

Feature Image: @drnikkig