'After 30 years, I thought I'd escaped my abuser. Then I turned on the TV...'

Content warning: this article discusses childhood sexual abuse and suicide.

Growing up, Hope* was exposed to domestic abuse on a daily basis. Only, at the time, she didn't know it.

Her mother was expected to stay at home, look after the children, do the housework and take care of the gardening. She wasn't allowed to work — that was Hope's father's role. Her mother had to do everything else.

"She had to ask him for money and write down everything she bought. He was quite controlling. I didn't even recognise it as domestic abuse. Back then, I thought it was normal. It was the '80s, after all.

"He was verbally and financially abusive, and on occasion, physically abusive. My mum wanted to leave him when I was a teenager, but she wasn't allowed to. She didn't know she could leave or that she had rights, like being able to keep half the house. He kept her trapped."

Watch: 60-Second Breathing Exercise for Anxiety. Article continues after the video.

Instead, her mother turned to alcohol, and took her frustrations out on Hope.

"She had wanted one son and one daughter but ended up with two daughters. I was the second one, and it was made very clear to me that she didn't want me.

"That was my whole life, really — feeling unwanted. It made me vulnerable. I'd go looking for acceptance from other adults."

One of those adults was a neighbour, a man in his early 40s. 

"My mum encouraged it, just to get me out of the house. He would show me pornography — back then, it was porn magazines. I don't think anything else happened, but I was put in many of these vulnerable positions, and it had an impact."

That vulnerability continued in high-school. At 12, she was sexually abused by three boys at her school, leading to a severe downward spiral in her mental health.

"I started inhaling substances, and that's how I coped. Eventually, I was placed in a private psychiatric hospital to get help."

'I didn't know what to do.'

The editor of a popular television show also happened to be at the facility while Hope was there. The editor befriended the then-13-year-old, and eventually offered her the chance to meet one of the show's female actors.

"I don't remember how it was arranged, but the actress picked me up from the hospital — without my parents knowing," said Hope. 

Back at the actor's house, the woman sexually abused Hope.

"I froze. I wasn't attracted to females, and I was just confused and stunned. I didn't know what to do," she said.

"I went back to inhaling substances to deal with it. It was the only way I knew how to block it out.

Things spiralled after that.

"I became suicidal and was sectioned to an adult psychiatric ward when I was just 14. This meant my parents could not remove me, only a Psychiatrist could discharge me when they were ready.

"That ward was horrific. I was restrained, put in seclusion, and sexually abused there too. Not all the staff were qualified nurses — they were just regular people. It was like being in jail."

Then, Hope was assigned a young female psychiatrist. 

"And she just said, 'You shouldn't be here. This is the worst place for you.' So I left."

Soon after, Hope attempted to take her own life, before recovering and continuing with her life the only way she knew how — by blocking everything out.

The past comes to a head.

By the time she was 43, Hope was a mother of three. Her eldest, at almost 14, was the same as she was when she was abused by the actor. 

Around the same time, the actor was appearing in another production, and was suddenly popping up all over the media.

"I'd read the paper, and she would be there. On the television. I just started dissociating and had huge problems with PTSD," she said.

"Flashbacks started, and I couldn't cope. I realised I couldn't keep suppressing everything. So, I reported her."

The police were supportive, but the court process was traumatising.

"In the Magistrates Court, she was found guilty, and I was able to testify using a witness protection screen," shared Hope. 

"But she appealed, and during the appeal, the judge refused to let me use the screen.

"I had to testify in front of her and her lawyer. It was too much. I mixed up some dates because of my recently diagnosed dyscalculia, and the appeal was upheld."

The road to recovery.

After the court case, Hope focused on recovery. At the time, she was battling anorexia and weighed just 40kg.

"I knew I had to get stronger, so I worked on gaining weight and rebuilding my health. In 2017, I did a workshop called 'Voices for Change', which helped me learn to share my story and speak publicly about the link between abuse, mental health, and substance use."

That led to more opportunities in advocacy, like working on suicide prevention programs.

"My mum had attempted suicide and passed away 18 months later as a result. I had also attempted, so suicide prevention became very important to me."

Hope joined working groups and leadership teams, contributing to initiatives in a lived-experience capacity, including eliminating seclusion and restraint in psychiatriccare.

"That issue is personal to me because of what I went through as a teenager. Advocacy and sharing my story have been a big part of my recovery. I've also contributed to books and projects with other survivors of abuse. While I can't name my abuser because she's still alive, telling my story has been empowering."

Hope is also an ambassador for the Blue Knot Foundation, a support service for those experiencing complex trauma as a result of violence, abuse and/or neglect that's either severe or recurrent.

Complex trauma often starts in childhood but can occur at any time over the lifespan or at different times during a person's life, says Dr Cathy Kezelman, President of The Blue Knot Foundation.

"The impacts vary enormously depending on the age of the person, the frequency of traumatic events, the relationship to the person causing harm, and the response of others if they try to tell someone.

"For an adult, it can impact their capacity to hold down a job or find meaningful work. Complex trauma can also cause challenges with reasoning and thinking clearly, making it difficult to plan and behave as expected."

Children, young people and adults experiencing complex trauma can be impulsive and engage in risky behaviours including self-harm, unsafe sex and dangerous driving. 

"With a nervous system that becomes 'allergic to stress', they may react aggressively or inappropriately, or be withdrawn and attached," said Cathy.

"Challenges in relationships — friendships, romantic relationships and especially with authority figures — can remain a feature as the child grows up and can continue into old age if the person does not receive the support they need."

Often, though, people with complex trauma aren't aware of what's going wrong.

"They have not connected what happened to them along life's journey with the current day struggles.

"When there is less stigma and greater empathy, people have a foundation to start to feel safer and begin to trust one person at a time."

Blue Knot Foundation is the National Centre for Excellence for Complex Trauma.

"To support this work, we have developed a lot of resources — fact sheets, videos, information on our websites for people with experiences of complex trauma as well as those who support them," explained Cathy.

"We also run educational workshops and webinars for both survivors and their supporters. There is hope and possibilities for healing. Blue Knot can help you on your healing journey."

Hope agrees there is a way forward, and has found solace in helping others heal. 

"Acceptance has helped me move forward. Workshops like [those held by] Blue Knot have also helped me understand things like why I freeze in certain situations or have flashbacks. 

"Today, I'm a very different person. There's the version of me before court and the version after.

"To anyone who feels like they'll never get through their experiences, I want to say: it's possible to heal. It's not easy, but with time, effort and support, you can find strength and peace again."

If you or someone you know requires assistance or support contact:

The Blue Knot Foundation: 1300 657 380 or helpline@blueknot.org.au

Lifeline: 13 11 14

Suicide Call Back Service: 1300 659 467

Beyond Blue: 1300 22 4636

Or talk to your GP or health professional.

In an emergency call 000.

*Names have been changed to protect privacy.

Feature image: Getty.