'My husband never wanted sex. And it was me who felt ashamed.'

Lisa Thomson went on what should have been a dream trip with her husband, to Italy’s spectacular, and romantic, Amalfi Coast. They didn’t have sex once. And sadly, that was simply a continuation of the relationship they had at home. Sex was not on the agenda – ever. Here, she explains the toll taken by a marriage devoid of any physical intimacy.

Are you in a sexless marriage? Do you get rejected by your husband?

If you do, you have plenty of empathy from me. It is unhealthy physically to be in a sexless marriage, never mind the emotional toll it takes. Your self-esteem takes a beating over the years of neglect.

Unfortunately, this is a topic that often goes unaddressed. I guess it’s still taboo. Also, most women would have you believe their husband wants it all the time and they can’t keep up with his voracious appetite.

This may be true in some cases, but not in as many as they would have us believe.

So, if you feel ashamed of the fact that your marriage is so far from this stereotype that you’ve forgotten what it feels like to be touched intimately, know that you’re not alone. With the children and their needs and demands, it’s easier to let it slide than to question what could be wrong.

But wrong it is.

If you are suffering this kind of neglect, address it immediately. Nothing says dying marriage louder than a “lack of sex”.

Is it time to raise the white flag?

I was in a sexless relationship and began to feel ugly. I thought there was something unappealing about me. I’m not a nympho by any stretch, but a normal, healthy woman with a normal appetite for sex and desire to share that with my partner.

However, instead of flourishing in my sexual peak, I was wilting away. It didn’t matter how many expensive haircuts, or how beautiful my clothes, I was not sexually desired by my partner. I can hardly think of anything crueler in a relationship.

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I was recently thinking about a trip we took to Italy several years before our separation. I think we were together around 12 years at the time. Some of our close friends had invited us to join them on a cruise of the Amalfi Coast, undoubtedly one of the most beautiful places in the whole world.

We didn’t have sex once on that trip. He flew me half way around the world to neglect me in every way possible. Even emotionally. I don’t recall sharing an intimate moment with him.

One beautiful day we boarded one of those tour buses to take us up to the ruins of Pompeii, an incredible historical site. But when we got on the bus, he continued to walk past me to the back, leaving me to sit alone. When I looked around, all the couples sat together quietly talking. The neglect was poignant, being that it was conducted amidst the most romantic countryside in the world.

When I think about being in Italy all those years ago, I think of myself as the Lady in the Yellow Dress. Because I have a picture of myself standing on the famous bridge over the Tiber River wearing one of my favorite dresses, a soft yellow, linen shift dress. I didn’t realise at that moment how beautiful I really was. Only now, when I see that picture do I realise my own lost beauty and the shame and waste I allowed by staying in a sexless, loveless relationship.

Where was Ray Drecker when I needed him? The HBO series Hung about a hot and sweet male escort, who always pleases his clients, makes me re-think the stigma attached with paid escorts.

Today, I can be in sweatpants and a t-shirt and feel beautiful. Even if I could afford the beautiful clothes I bought for that cruise, I don’t need them to incite desire from my partner.

In a sexually healthy relationship, you feel validated. You feel beautiful and wanted. It is a gift your partner gives you. When intimacy is strong in a relationship, everything else will fall into place.

This was originally published on DivorcedMoms and was republished here with full permission.

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