The real reason long-term couples stop having sex, and it's probably not what you think.

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If you're in a long-term relationship and wondering why your sex life flat-lined, it's probably not hormones, mismatched desire, lack of lingerie, or even age. It's resentment.

Resentment is the silent sex killer. It doesn't explode your relationship in one dramatic moment — it's the slow, grinding erosion of desire that turns your partner from lover to roommate, or worse, another dependent to manage.

It creeps in while you're juggling kids, work, dishes, bills, and bedtime routines. By the time you notice the shift, your sex life is already gasping for air.

Here's the thing: resentment shows up in every long-term relationship. But if you're raising kids together? You could be in danger. The relentless 24/7 logistical operation can suffocate intimacy before you even realise what's happening.

Watch: Sarah Marie explains the dilemma of sex after having kids. Post continues after video.

The research is clear: women are still carrying the bulk of the mental and household load. Your nervous system is permanently in "go mode" — constantly tracking everyone's meals, meltdowns, sports uniforms, appointments, and never-ending household admin.

While resentment doesn't discriminate, the real killer is imbalance. One person carrying more than their share while the other doesn't even see the load being carried. That invisible labour? That's where desire goes to die.

Picture this: you've finally wrangled the kids into bed, collapsed onto the couch, and your partner slides an arm around you. Instead of feeling sexy, it feels like one more demand. Another person wanting something from you when your tank is already empty.

How resentment ruins sex.

It's rarely one big thing. It's death by a thousand cuts:

• You pick up the slack, again.

• They don't notice.

• You're too exhausted to say anything, it's easier to just do it yourself.

• You've tried before, but change never sticks.

• You work all day (even when your body's still, your brain's sprinting), and nobody sees the relentlessness.

• Weeks later, their hand on your thigh makes you want to scream, not lean in.

That's resentment. The quiet anger that shuts intimacy down. It makes you bristle at a kiss. It turns sex into a chore you'd outsource to the vacuuming. And the more it piles up, the harder it is to climb back into desire.

Couples often say, "We love each other, but the spark is gone."

But here's the thing: the spark isn't gone – it's buried under years of resentment rubble.

Resentment doesn't just kill sex. It kills connection entirely. It makes you feel invisible, taken for granted, unappreciated. And when you feel unseen by your partner, your body simply won't open to them. That's biology. Our erotic selves can't thrive in survival mode or constant irritation.

Here's the brutal truth: resentment turns sex into another job on the to-do list. And nobody is turned on by unpaid overtime.

What doesn't work?

A weekend away won't fix it. Neither will lingerie, toys, nor trying a new sex trick.

Because you can't paper over years of silent bitterness with a spa weekend. You can't 'weekend away' your way out of feeling like your partner is just another dependent who needs managing.

Resentment doesn't shift by pretending you're "fine" or hoping it'll magically disappear. It shifts by doing the one thing most couples desperately avoid: actually naming it.

What does work?

The antidote isn't grand gestures. It's micro-shifts that rebuild connection day by day:

• Radical honesty. Say the thing before it festers: "I'm at capacity. I need help tonight." Or "I'm feeling disconnected from you." Simple truth-telling before resentment takes root.

• Drop in together. Switch off autopilot and create a pause that's just for the two of you – no kids, no work, no phones. It could be lying on the couch holding hands, a slow kiss in the kitchen, sharing a glass of wine, or a long hug that says "I see you." It's not about grand romantic gestures – it's about breathing together as partners, not just co-managers of life.

• Appreciation. Out loud. Every day. "Thanks for handling bedtime." "Thanks for cooking." "Thanks for looking after our kids." One genuine appreciation a day turns invisible labour into visible love.

It sounds almost too simple, but appreciation is erotic fuel. It transforms "taken for granted" into "cherished." And cherished people want to connect.

The takeaway.

Resentment is the thing no one talks about but everyone feels. It's the real reason long-term couples slide into sexless ruts, not mismatched libidos or getting older.

But here's what gives me hope: intimacy doesn't actually vanish. It waits. And when you clear the resentment and make space to truly see each other again, desire doesn't just return — it deepens.

The truth is, you don't need a new partner. You need a clean slate, a little honesty, and the courage to admit: "It's not you I don't want. It's the resentment."

Julie Tenner, author of Flowers and Honey, the art of relationship, love and desire and co-host of the Nourishing the Mother podcast, is an intimacy and relationship therapist who helps long-term couples move from resentment and "roommate mode" back into connection, desire, and a sex life that actually feels good.

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Feature image: Getty. (Stock image for illustrative purposes).