'Every man falls into one of two camps. This two-second test can tell them apart.'

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Ladies! I've discovered a hack! I have a sure-fire way of finding out if the man you're dating is emotionally mature or not. 

It came to me the other day when my boyfriend and I were talking about sex. Out of nowhere he asked, "Why don't you ever suggest using sex toys when we're together?"

Fair question. My entire bedside drawer is overflowing with them. I write about pleasure products for work, so I get sent… a lot. At this point I could open a small boutique. And yet he was right, I never pull them out during partnered sex unless the review calls for it. 

I had to stop and think about why. I concluded that it comes from a deep insecurity of my own pleasure and how that shows up aesthetically. In plain terms, I want to look hot when I orgasm — like pornstar or supermodel hot, preferably — but of course, I don't. And a part of me feels uncomfortable to be witnessed not looking hot. 

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When I told my boyfriend this, he looked genuinely surprised. "I like how you look when you're really into something," he said. "I find you being turned on sexy."

And that's the catch twenty-two of heterosexual sex culture, right? Apparently you're at your hottest when you're completely letting go. But to get there, you have to also let go of how you look while doing it. You cannot orgasm if you're thinking about your facial expression or your double chin, or the rolls of your stomach expanding and retracting. 

But then I had another thought. Pleasure products exist for a reason. They're designed to make sex better for everyone. They're tools for exploration, education, curiosity. They offer new sensations and new ways of learning each other's bodies. Why, as a sex writer and a sexually-liberated woman, wasn't I taking advantage of that?

Which made me remember every time I had pulled out a vibrator with past lovers. One man immediately switched it off, tossed it to the other side of the room, and lectured me about how vibration "desensitises the clitoris". Spoiler alert: it doesn't. Another man looked at it with total disgust, pulled out, said "you get yourself off then", and walked to the shower. I could keep going, but I won't depress you further.

So I turned back to my boyfriend and said, "Let's do it."

"Right now?" he asked. "Yes."

I was suddenly wildly turned on about how curious he was about exploring different products, about his openness to trying new things, about his eagerness to see me at my most liberated. It was refreshing. Sadly unique. Very emotionally mature.

"Emotional maturity around sex, or as I like to call it sexual intelligence, is all about exploration — if he feels uncomfortable or threatened, there's probably a lot of internal work he needs to do about his values and attitudes  around sex," says my friend and award-winning sexologist Jamie Bucirde. 

Put simply: sex toys equal more pleasure. More pleasure equals better sex for everyone.

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A man who's open to toys is a man who understands that pleasure isn't linear. He isn't threatened by silicone shapes that feel close to home, or vibration that simulates a skill he's spent a long time learning. He isn't drowning in fragile masculinity. He sees sex as something you experience together, not something you perform or pretend to know everything about. He knows he doesn't have to be the sole source of your orgasm to be a good lover.

And honestly, that is so hot it made me forget every insecurity I had about being witnessed in my most unfiltered state. It made me want to dig into my drawer, grab my current favourite vibrator, and actually use it during sex.

We did. And it was the best sex we'd had in weeks.

So if you ever want a quick read on a man's emotional maturity, try this: open your bedside drawer, pull out a vibrator, and watch his face. If he winces, flinches, panics, or suddenly develops a passionate monologue about "natural touch"… maybe give him a minute. He might still be in his Beginner Era. He might have some internal work to do, some unlearning around what sex is supposed to look like, maybe even a little ego detox. 

But a man who leans in and says "show me how you like it"? That one's certified mature. A rare species. A keeper.

Feature Image: Instagram/@lauraroscioli