We've been lied to. There are only 6 sex positions.

Since history began couples have been trying to “spice up” their sex lives, at least that’s what magazine publishers would have you believe.

“Sprinkle a little pepper under his nose right before he climaxes. Sneezing can feel similar to an orgasm and amplify the feel-good effects,” says a here unnamed women’s publication, just for an incredibly odd example to kick us off.

We’ve been led to believe there are any number of sex positions out there, each one more pretzel-like and orgasmic than the last. The only limit? You’re imagination (and how long you can ignore that cramp in your leg).

But no more, we say, NO MORE!

Finally, someone has called bullsh*t on the so-called “sex-position-industrial complex“, which tells us we ought to sex-ercise our sofas doing something called the Couch Canoodle and go up and down, round and round on the Sexual Seesaw (honestly, it sounds nothing short of nauseating).

“From the Kama Sutra to Cosmo, thousands of guides have been created to mitigate that fear and ostensibly help the reader become better in bed,” writes journalist Gabriella Paiella in a recent article in which she argues when it comes to heterosexual, penis-in-vagina sex, there are only six ways to do it.

This is how she ranks them:

1. There’s Missionary, where the man is on top.
2. There’s the Cowgirl, where the woman is on top.
3. There’s Reverse Cowgirl, where the woman is on top but facing away from her partner.
4. There’s Spooning, which is both cute AND energy efficient.
5. There’s the unfortunately named Doggy-style aka doing it from behind.
6. And then there’s Standing, which, let’s face it, is a logistical challenge at the best of times.

See here:

So essentially, the argument goes that in a world without oral sex (a world frankly not worth living in), men and women can have sex any way they darn like, BUT, no matter how absurd a title you give it or how jazzy the alliteration you use to describe it is, at the end of the day, whatever you’re doing is just a variation on the above.

Even the tried and true Spork, a combination of Spooning and Scissoring, is simply a subset of Number 4.

To be totally honest though, if you’re busy thinking about what what you’re doing is called, maybe your partner needs to step it up a notch.

Regardless, keep at guys, you’re all doing a stellar job and bravo, Gabriella, bravo!

While you’re here… The Mamamia Team ‘fess up about their first times:

H/T The Cut