'I was afraid to have sex because of my weight gain. Here's how I learnt to embrace my body.'

The lights are dim. I demanded they be that way. I’m lying there on top of the white sheets. 

Naked. Vulnerable. Much heavier and undeniably softer than I used to be.

Watch: How to improve your daughter's body image. Post continues after video. 

I used to enjoy being intimate with my partner, but lately, my weight gain and the thought of new dimples emerging on my thighs has been the only thing consuming my mind. 

He lovingly kisses my neck. I'm unable to bask in the joy of sexual pleasure as my mind is fixated on how my body looks. 

My body is different to the one he held when we first started dating, different to the body he first touched, caressed, and made love to. 

This body is laced with extra rolls, dimples, skin folds, stretch marks and fat. It is rounder. Curvier. Bigger. This body he now touches must feel different to him. 

Mustn’t it? 

His hands move to my stomach, sending shivers up my spine, I stop breathing and begin to suck in. 

Hoping to make my soft belly somewhat disappear. 

As his hands continue to move south, endless thoughts begin to flood my mind.

“How do I make myself look more attractive?”

“Does my body feel softer to him? Heavier?”

“Does he notice I’ve gained weight?”

“Do I still turn him on?”

Image: Instagram @isabelladavis6.

These thoughts consumed my mind so much that they pulled me out of the heat of the moment and convinced me that because I’d gained weight, I wasn’t worthy of being held, seen, touched embraced or pleasured. 

A tear rolls down my cheek and I pull my partner's hand away from my thighs and grab hold of the quilt. I wrap it around myself to hide my saggy boobs and cellulite-covered legs. 

I proceed to walk out of the bedroom backwards, head down, avoiding eye contact and minimising my partner's chances of him seeing the dimples that cover my thighs. 

I pull open the bathroom door and once I know I’m alone, a waterfall of tears escapes my eyes. 

I wanted so desperately to be touched. To feel his embrace and allow me to be pleasured. I knew he wanted this as well, but my insecurities prevented me from allowing him to touch me. From allowing myself the joy of being held and being seen exactly as I am. 

As I grabbed hold of the sink, I realised that I had allowed the way I felt about my body to dictate my self-worth and stop me from experiencing intimacy. I had projected my own insecurities onto my partner and by doing so convinced myself that my body changes make me less deserving of being touched. 

Over the last few months, I had desperately tried to conceal my body from my partner by changing in another room, angling my body in uncomfortable positions when physically intimate and often pretending I was too tired to be intimate when in reality I was scared for him to see me naked. 

What I realised is that despite my efforts of trying to conceal my body my partner knew what my body looked like and his attraction towards me hadn't changed. 

Image: Instagram @isabelladavis6.

As I stared at my reflection in the mirror Taylor Swift's lyrics rang clear in my mind "I'm the problem, it's me". I realised that it's not my body that needs to change it's my mindset. I had to remind myself that my weight gain doesn’t make me any less deserving of joyful intimacy because all bodies regardless of their weight, shape or size are worthy of intimacy in all forms. 

I had to recognise that it's okay to gain weight and that it's normal for my body to change because only then would I accept that I am worthy of being held and touched exactly as I am and so are you. 

If you’ve ever experienced similar feelings or thoughts, trust that I know how hard it can be to enjoy intimately of any form when we are so fixated on how our body looks or struggling to navigate weight gain. 

View this post on Instagram

A post shared by BELLA DAVIS (@isabelladavis6)

That’s why I wanted to share five tips with you that I hope will help you embrace your body and push past these insecurities when being intimate.

1. You aren’t any less deserving of intimacy because your body has changed.

Your weight gain doesn't make you unlovable or unworthy of enjoying joyful moments of intimacy. 

2. Everybody is worthy of sexual experiences. 

Regardless of your weight or size. Everybody deserves to be held, touched and pleasured and you don’t have to have a particular body to enjoy intimacy. You just have to look like you.

3. Sexual experiences are about how it feels not about how your body looks aesthetically in the moment. 

Try not to focus too much energy on how your body looks during intimate moments because that can pull you out of the heat of the moment and instead focus on how you feel and allow yourself to enjoy being touched. Allow yourself to enjoy being held. 

Listen to Fill My Cup, hosted by Allira Potter. Post continues after audio.

4. Get to know your naked body. 

Spend time with it. 

Take time to examine every line and scar that calls your body home. Instead of facing away from the mirror, I urge you to greet it. Run your hands along every lump, stretch mark and roll. 

Explore your body and marvel at the beauty within every crease, fold and roll and from there you’ll see that your nakedness is nothing to fear. 

5. It's okay if you've gained weight.

Your weight gain doesn't mean that your body doesn't deserve to be appreciated. The changes in your body don’t make you unattractive.

It makes you human and as humans, our bodies are supposed to change throughout all stages of our lives. It's normal. It's unavoidable, and it's nothing to feel ashamed of. 

Don’t let your weight gain or body changes stop you from enjoying intimate moments. 

You deserve affection. We all do.

Isabella Davis is a digital content creator and self-love hype queen who encourages women to appreciate and embrace their bodies. For more from Bella, follow her on Instagram here.

Feature Image: Instagram @isabelladavis6.