What you need to know about sex for the first time after birth, from a mum who has been there.

There are a couple of magic ingredients you need to be able to have sex after birth and beyond.

In amongst the sleep deprived fog, being an immobile milk truck with an inability to finish a cup of tea while it’s hot the last thing you might feel like are sexy shag-a-thons. Let’s just say you aren’t alone if you send that right to the bottom of the priority list. I was pretty good at getting back in the sack after my first baby but not so much the second time around – having a toddler and an ‘overnight hourly alarm’ to feed was as much as I could handle. But after a couple of months it got going again and it needs to, not just for the sake of the relationship but because everyone deserves to enjoy sex.

I’m not saying sex is the only important thing in an intimate relationship, but it certainly is important. I know the times that my sex life is healthy in my relationship, not only do we get on better but we laugh more, are kinder, more considerate and we feel like us again not just “Mum” and “Dad”. Sex is one of the things that makes you and your partner an “us” – something that separates you from being just mates. It’s a way to connect on a deeper level separate to being parents.

So here are a few things that might help you get back on the horse:

1. Communication.

People ought not to feel the pressure of the six week post medical check-up as the non-negotiable green light. When you are ready to have sex again will be different for everyone. I had medically “normal” births with no trauma so there were not as many fears around having something back in ‘there’ but it was still a cumbersome prospect! Such a decision needs a medical all clear but also a conversation with your partner, expressing any fears or concerns.

It might not just be the female who is scared to take the plunge, for most blokes they have witnessed unspeakable things happening to our lady bits, they might be feeling a little apprehensive about poking around down there and re-causing potential trauma. Ego has no place in the bedroom; chat about your fears, needs and desires.

2. Lube (non-negotiable).

There is a reason our bodies feel less like having sex after having a baby and it’s not just because the thought of having another person on you who isn’t a baby is worse than the thought of being carbohydrate, wine and sugar free. It’s also because nature knows we are not physically and or mentally capable of enduring another pregnancy for a while. So, if you haven’t found your mojo back don’t be hard on yourself and just be honest with your partner.

Another sneaky way our bodies try to put us off breeding again after pregnancy and particularly while breastfeeding is by suppressing the hormones that usually create lubrication when you’re aroused. So, no matter how into it you might be feeling upstairs, there will be no sign of it downstairs and well that won’t feel good for anyone and is potentially painful. Use lube.

3. Daytime quickies.

When everyone is tired at the end of the day and our head hits the pillow and we finally don’t have children to look after or a baby on top of us if we don’t immediately want to pass out, we might be more up for a ‘Netflix n Chill’ than a roll around the hay so why not indulge in a bit of morning glory instead and get one away before everyone wakes up? Or maybe an impromptu rendezvous in the bathroom while the kids are glued to the TV, lock the door and get a quickie away? Nobody is too tired, it doesn’t feel like an end of the day chore you need an excuse not to do and sex after kids should still be about the fun.

An expert advises on the best way to bring your sex drive back from the dead, on our Sealed Section podcast.

4. Life is foreplay.

When I interviewed Steve Biddulph about his man-ifesto “The New Manhood” he shared an epiphany about how we can inspire intimacy in the bedroom and it starts out of the bedroom: “Life is foreplay”. Isn’t it just? If your partner has been particularly considerate, complimentary, loving and helpful with the washing, or gone off and done the weekly groceries run isn’t that a turn on?! Well it sure is for me. Also, when it comes to romance you don’t need to escape the house to achieve those “date night” feels. Crack open a bottle of wine at home, phones away and have a chat and a laugh. Life is foreplay and it starts out of the bedroom so make sure you’re needs are being met and the rest will come - pun intended.

For more on relationships, parenthood and the sisterhood, catch PodcastOne series “The Queen Sesh Overshare” with Constance Hall and Annaliese Dent on PodcastOne.com.au or iTunes. You can hear more from Annaliese on Instagram, Facebook and Sunday nights on The Queen Sesh with Constance Hall and Annaliese on The Hit Network.

Watch: Can you have sex while breastfeeding? We discuss on This Glorious Mess.