'Can we just admit that the new 'rules' of social media are there to shame women?'

On this week's episode of her Anything Goes podcast twenty-one-year-old YouTuber and social media superstar Emma Chamberlain posed the following question: 'Is it narcissistic to post photos of yourself?' 

While Chamberlain has not worried about posting images of herself in the past (her Instagram feed is awash with fashion editorials, mirror selfies and cute outfit pics) she confesses that her feelings about posting photos of herself have changed recently, making her feel "weird".

Listen to Mia, Jessie and Elfy discuss selfie narcissism on this episode of Mamamia Outloud. Post continues below. 

"I've been finding myself taking a pause before I post a picture of myself, feeling almost uncertain of whether or not it's the right thing to do," Chamberlain writes.

"And I'm somebody who has a tendency to overthink, so part of me wonders if I'm overthinking the whole thing. But part of me also thinks there's a chance that even though we've normalised posting photos of ourselves, it's still actually a narcissistic behavior."

I don't entirely disagree with Chamberlain.

Sometimes I feel embarrassed when posting a selfie, and like Chamberlain I have noticed this 'weird' feeling more and more. I attributed it to hitting my mid-forties, that selfies seem a little like a 2018 thirst trap, and that creating content to feed the social media machine is weird when you think about it.

But on other days I also think I look cute and the light is good and well, it's my social media channel so why shouldn't I capture and then share my image? 

Is it narcissistic? A bit.

And maybe it would be problematic if I posted photos of my face all day every day, but an occasional selfie as part of my busy life might be less a symptom of a narcissistic personality disorder and more frivolous fun? Mostly I'm just showing off a new haircut or dress and I'm not trying or pretending to make a clever point. 

So, if a selfie is not harming anyone, how bad do we need to feel about it?

Personally, I think not at all.

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Women have traditionally been the object of the male gaze, and taking a selfie in any of its forms represents us taking control of how we capture and then share our own image. 

A selfie can just be a selfie, but it can also be a woman owning the fact she looks good in that moment and wanting to share it with the world. Or it can be a way to capture our image to show that we 'were here' in this location or moment in time. To prove that we exist as a human and not just as a wife, mother, or the person who usually photographs everyone else for family keepsakes.

Feminist and author Clementine Ford recently wrote on Instagram that women "should post MORE f****ing photos of themselves" after a woman criticised her for sharing too many photos.

"Women aren’t supposed to like looking at ourselves," Ford wrote in the post on April 5.

"We’re not supposed to like looking at other women. Looking at ourselves and at other women is APPEALING TO THE MALE GAZE!!!!! If we like looking at ourselves or other women, it must mean we never think about smart or important things...

"The older I get, the more I enjoy playing with presentation and sexual expression. None of this is anathema to the intellectual work I do, nor does it detract from it. All of these things are a part of who I am."

This question of narcissism and Emma Chamberlain's musings aside, there have been other examples of moralising or placing 'rules' around social media that shames women and in particular, mothers, for what they choose to post online.

The case of Wren Eleanor in the US saw parents deleting images of their children from social media in the thousands, as the fear of internet pedophiles sharing those images on the dark web, sent shockwaves around the world. 

I covered the story at the time and felt horribly conflicted. Of course I didn't want pedophiles sharing images of my beautiful boys – no parent wants this – but the mum-shaming and 'bad parent' narrative that accompanied this story was hard to take.

Wren's mum, Jacquelyn, publicly defended her choice to post content of her daughter at the park or eating dinner on TikTok.

In a statement she said that the safety of her daughter is her number one priority and that as a single mum, the account has allowed her to provide for her daughter and her future. Jacquelyn added that she makes the videos for fun for a couple of hours each week and that after collaborating with law enforcement agencies (including the FBI), she was advised Wren's likeness does not appear on any inappropriate websites.

But her daughter's cherubic face became the face of a global moral panic, and Jacquelyn, not the vile predators on the dark web, was the 'immoral' mum at its heart.

The commentary continued and to this day I have yo-yoed on how I feel about sharing photos of my kids. 

I do it occasionally but not nearly as much as I used to, because of course I am concerned about keeping my kids' images out of the hands of pedophiles and protecting their identity. 

But occasionally I share a couple of photos, often taken from afar or from behind, and always with my son's approval. Maybe I am in denial or incredibly naïve, but I know I am not alone and I know this act does not make me a bad parent, even if you disagree with my decision.

Sharing a happy snap for family and friends of me and my kids feels like something I should be able to do without feeling guilty or ashamed but in 2023 as the 'rules' and etiquette of social media keep changing – it can be hard to know how to exist online without doing the wrong thing. In our culture of shame, particularly online, women have a much harder time than men.

So, what to do?

Is it a case of moderation is key? Do we just keep doing what we do and posting what we post while scrolling past the excessive selfie-takers and avoid casting too much judgement on other mothers?

Our online worlds are here to stay and whether we use social media for work or just for fun, it is a tricky place to navigate and with the advancement of AI technologies it is only going to get trickier.

For those of you without social media, perhaps you are the real winners here. Watching on as we have these conversations and debates about selfie narcissism in disbelief. 

Maybe one day I will join you but until then, I hope you will indulge me the occasional pointless selfie just for fun.

Laura Jackel is Mamamia's Family Writer. For links to her articles and to see photos of her outfits and kids, follow her on Instagram and TikTok.

Feature Image: Supplied / Canva.