All the things that made zero sense in the clusterf*ck that's Netflix's Secret Obsession.

If there’s one thing Netflix is really good at, it’s making movies that are so bad they’re also sort of… good.

The Christmas Prince (and The Christmas Prince: The Royal Wedding), The Kissing Booth and now, thriller turned probably-unintentional-comedy Secret Obsession which dropped on the streaming service last week to name a few.

We don’t know how they do it. Witchcraft, maybe.

Warning: The Secret Obsession trailer basically gives away the whole film. Post continues below video.

Anyway! If you haven’t already spent nearly two hours of your life watching Secret Obsession, audibly cursing “WTF” every few minutes, you could just watch the full length trailer which gives the entire movie away.

But then you would miss out on some seriously confusing plot holes and, more importantly, need to spend even more time scrolling Netflix trying to decide on something to watch.

If you have already watched Secret Obsession, then you know what I’m talking about. This movie is wild and most of it makes absolutely no logical sense. Let me explain:

Firstly, when Jennifer is hiding from her attacker in a rest stop bathroom stall she is gasping so loudly there is absolutely no way he would not have heard her. But alas, he insists on following the typical horror movie trope of opening every single stall slowly, which gives Jennifer enough time to escape.

The man then follows her out, slowly, because bad guys in these sorts of films are forbidden from running and no one knows why.

Jennifer runs away before being hit by a car. Ouch.

At the hospital, she's whisked away into surgery and a man identifying himself as Russell Williams runs in asking about his wife. He runs down a hallway yelling her name and um, sir you cannot do that and where is the hospital security?

No one has called Russell. No one has even told him about the car crash. But that's irrelevant, apparently. They didn't ID him nor Jennifer, but just took his word for it.

I think we're supposed to believe Russell is legit because he fiddles with a lighter engraved with "To My Darling Russell Love Jennifer" but that is grammatically incorrect and frankly, makes us more suspicious.

We then meet Detective Page, who is sent to the scene of the accident after buying toys for his daughter. We learn that she is missing, thanks to a voiceover that says "You're a cop, why can't you find your own daughter?" as he cries while wrapping presents. No, his missing child has no bearing on the plot. We literally don't learn anything more about her. The trauma of his past was not brought up as a reason he wanted to save Jennifer. In fact, the entire thing just didn't seem... necessary.

Back at the hospital, a doctor tells Russell that Jennifer has amnesia. She'll remember her "semantic" memory, like her name and her family, but she's lost her "episodic" memory, whatever that means.

We guess Russell doesn't count as family because she does not remember him. But that's okay! She goes home with him anyway! ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

He shows her terribly photoshopped images of them together... in a photo album... in 2019. Whatever.

At this point, I don't need to tell you where this story is going because you already know. Yes, 'Russell' is the bad guy.

He takes Jennifer home to a giant, secluded house in the mountains. There's no phone reception or internet and the closest neighbour is miles away. One of these might be a red flag, idk.

Oh and Russell randomly murders a bearded man who witnessed the crash and Jennifer sees him burying something in the backyard. The man didn't even know who Russell was, but ominous music plays whenever he appears on screen. It makes precisely zero sense and is the biggest plot hole of all.

At home things go exactly as you'd expect: Jennifer becomes increasingly suspicious, Russell becomes increasingly... creepy, and Detective Page figures it all out despite all his cop buddies doubting him.

Russell locks Jennifer in their bedroom, another major red flag, no? She manages to break out, hobbles painfully down the stairs and logs into his computer. This is where she discovers photos of her and her real husband. Oh sorry, spoiler alert, it's not the guy we've been calling Russell.

Detective Page arrives at the house but is quickly knocked out by Russell, whose real name is Ryan. He was an obsessive co-worker of Jennifer's, we hear in his personal monologue, and sorry, but he killed her husband and parents. He was going to kill her too but "fate" saw her hit by a car.

Okay. We already knew all this, but thanks for the recap, Ry.

After trying and failing to work up suspense, Detective Page and Jennifer takedown Ryan who dies after chasing - with a fast walk, because he can't run, remember -  Jennifer.

There are no twists, there are no turns. That's literally the movie.

It's absolute garbage, but in the best way possible.

A few more issues we discovered while watching (...definitely not for the second time):

• For someone who has been chased by an attacker, hit by a car and holed up in hospital for weeks, Jennifer's nails sure do stay perfect
• No one on earth eats that much scrambled egg for breakfast

• Why does 'Russell' wear a shirt and tie for dinner at his own house?
• Why didn't Jennifer just slide down the stairs on her bum?
• Was there no social media presence for Jennifer or the police could've looked back on to find out more about her identity/jog her memory?
• After finding out Ryan was an imposter and murdered Jennifer's parents, why did he turn up to the house without backup?
• WHAT HAPPENED TO DETECTIVE PAGE'S DAUGHTER?

So many questions. Maybe they can be answered in Secret Obsession 2.

I'm kidding. I think.