'My husband was young when his first wife died. Years later, he made a confession that shattered me.'

"It felt like someone put my heart in a blender and literally kicked me in the gut as hard as they could."

On what should have been a joyous evening with friends, Sarah's* world was sent spinning by one comment from her husband, Sean*.

Watch: How to deal with loss or grief of loved ones. Post continues after video.

For Sarah — who thought she'd never get married due to her "horrible" luck with men — finding Sean was like striking gold. Yes, he had been in love before, but everyone had a past, right?

"[His first wife] was his high school sweetheart," Sarah shared on the Reddit forum Am I The Asshole. "They started dating in their junior year of high school, they survived long distance in college, and then they got married when they were 23."

Three years later, Sean's first wife unexpectedly died of an aneurysm at the age of 26.

"He was obviously devastated," Sarah said. "Especially because they were so young at the time. They never had children."

At the time, Sean believed he would never find love again, but four years later, he met Sarah. After dating for a few years, the couple got married when he was 34 and she was 31.

As their relationship progressed, Sean and Sarah welcomed two children together. Sean's first wife remained in their thoughts, of course, but Sarah assumed that her husband loved her as much as he had loved his high school sweetheart. This is, until one evening at a dinner party.

"Everything was going really well until one of our friends brought up the topic of relationships," Sarah wrote. "She's newly divorced so it was about her divorce. Others were chiming in about their past relationships from high school and college."

Eventually, Sean chimed in.

"All of our friends know that he was married before me and that she passed away pretty young. So, he was talking about her and then he all of a sudden just drops a bomb. He goes: 'If she walked through those doors right now, we would just pick up where we left off.'"

Sarah felt physically wounded by the comment, as though "someone put [her] heart in a blender" and "kicked [her] in the gut".

Dr Katie Kjelsaas, a Clinical Psychologist, told Mamamia that statements like this are damaging to us, for the simple fact that "humans are socially bonding beings".

"We function best when we're securely connected to safe others," she explained. "We also gain a significant amount of our self-identity and self-esteem from these secure connections."

"A spouse is a primary attachment figure. This means they're one of our most important sources of connection and, by extension, self-esteem and well-being. When we feel 'second best' in the eyes of our primary attachment figure, our self-esteem and wellbeing can take a huge hit."

In Sarah's instance, things were made worse by the public nature of Sean's confession.

"Everyone there could definitely sense the awkwardness that followed," Sarah recalled. "I wanted to avoid making a scene, so I just laughed it off. But I think it was pretty obvious that it definitely hurt me.

"I just feel like if you really feel that way, then why are we married?" she added. "I have never once asked him to get over his wife. I mean, I've never had a deceased partner or a deceased spouse, so I have no idea what that feels like, but I would absolutely never say that in front of my new spouse. "

According to Dr Kjelsaas, comparing oneself to an ex-partner is called a "competing attachment".

"This term captures the emotional experience well," she explained. "When I feel I am 'competing' with another person (even the memory of a person) for my spouse's attention or affection, this will absolutely affect my sense of security in that relational bond with my spouse.

"Insecurity often leads to feelings of anxiety, and anxiety often motivates us to make comparisons as a way to try to assess and quantify the danger to our bond. This is an attempt to find reassurance, but research shows it doesn't really work. On the contrary, comparison usually feeds our feelings of anxiety. As the saying goes, 'Comparison is the thief of joy.'"

After the gathering had ended, Sarah and Sean drove home in silence.

"I did tell him that what he said hurt me and that we could talk about it in the morning after I'd calmed down a little bit, because I didn't want to say anything mean to him," she explained.

"But, I ended up just sleeping on the couch because he would not leave me alone about it. So, now it's the next morning and I barely slept and he's still sleeping. I'm not really sure what to say or do about this situation."

Dr Kjelsaas said that the key here would be for both parties to approach the conversation with openness and transparency.

"The person who has lost their spouse needs to work to transparently and gently share their feelings about their previous partner. The current spouse needs to work to transparently and gently share the impact this sharing has on them.

"These conversations need to be ongoing and evolve to suit the needs of both people as they change over time. Responsive (rather than reactive) communication is the goal here. The more each person can cultivate awareness of the impact of their sharing on the other, the better they will both cope in these conversations."

*Names have been changed for privacy reasons. The feature image is a stock photo.

Feature Image: Getty.