“You are not my first born, but lasts are a special thing too."

There’s an old saying. It’s better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all. Typically, it’s used to refer to the parting of two lovers, but in my case, I use it now to refer to my daughter Sailor. My sweet, 20-month-old Sailor.

For 8 whole years I longed for you. Tried for you. Cried for you. And now, as I sweep the thin blonde hair out of your sleeping toddler eyes, I can’t remember my life before you were part of it. 

And just as I’ve started to experience the adventure with your hand in mine, bit by bit it’s all disappearing. I’m too scared to blink in case I miss something I will never get to see again.

You see, when I had your sister over 10 years ago, I took motherhood for granted. She came to your Dad and I easily. And although we had our challenges, we loved her and grew with her so she could become the fun, bubbly, confident young lady that you (and we) love so much today.

But you, you took your time. I thought that maybe I wasn’t deserving enough; that I wasn’t a good enough parent the first time to deserve the chance at another. 

But I prevailed. And after a lot of heartache, miscarriage, negative pregnancy tests and false positives, the universe gifted me what I longed for. You.

Your sister waited 8 years to meet you. Your Daddy sat through the darkest of times beside me. And they both felt the warmth radiate from my tears when I announced, ‘this is Sailor. Our Sailor’.

Image: Supplied.

This past 20 months have been an absolute whirlwind and although so many people had told me that the second baby will never feel as special as the first, others reminded me that it goes so fast so I have been trying to metaphorically bottle up every little precious milestone you reach so that I can drink it up in the years down the track when my memory is sure to fail me. 

Because you are not your sister. You are you. And every little part of you is special and different and loved and your journey, our journey, has been very different. 

As my last ever baby, I can’t help but feel a little sad that you are growing up and moving onto things without me. But at the same time, the joy I feel watching you experience all of your firsts warms my heart to the core, even though I know that these ‘firsts’ will of course, be my ‘lasts’. 

Getting changed

Nothing was cuter than seeing you waddle around in your nappy. We’re a big Huggies family, always have been. They’re soft, super absorbent and have never let us down during a night of heavy wetting. 

You love them too. You’d release the tabs for me when you’re getting changed and even lay one down on the floor to try and put on outside of your clothes (when you’re wearing them).

Image: Supplied.

Lately though, you’ve become obsessed with your Huggies Nappy Pants. I chose them for their SlimFlex™ Absorbent Core as they lock in moisture for superior dryness; they are now less bulky, and now that you’re very much on the move, they’re definitely more flexible so you can run, slide and dance around freely.

When I first bought them you let me guide your legs into the holes but now, you pop them on yourself. No more hugging me around the neck while I pop your legs in, me sniffing your hair at the same time. You don’t need me to do that anymore, you are starting to dress yourself. 

Image: Supplied.

You will be in your Huggies Nappy Pants for quite some time, but it’s a stark reminder for me that toilet training isn’t too far away. 

Breastfeeding

Your sister didn’t take to it so you were my last hope at experiencing what it feels like to nourish your baby, direct from the source. 

From the very first suckle we didn’t mesh. Your mouth was so tiny, my breasts too big, and I had no idea what I was doing. 

Image: Supplied.

For 10 whole months we battled with each other to make it work and then one day, we just clicked.

We got into a bit of a rhythm and although there will still speed humps (and bites!) along the way, it was our routine and we knew it well. 

But then, two days after you turned 18 months old, you decided to go it alone. You didn’t need me anymore. You shook your head and said ‘no more mummy’. And with that, I tucked my rejected breast away and began the long process of weaning my boobs from the last 18 months of their lives. 

I thought this day would be joyous for me, as breastfeeding was such a struggle, but I couldn’t help but shed a tear (or eighty). It was one the thing I could do for you that no one else could, and now it was gone. You literally no longer need me. 

As the days and weeks passed, the feeling of rejection did too. It dawned on me that you felt brave, safe and ready enough to start the next phase of being a little person. It was the first choice you had ever made on your own and I like to think that I helped you to feel comfortable in making that choice, knowing that I was still there for you.

Mealtimes

Remember when you first tried homemade pureed pear? You let it all drip out of your mouth, not really getting any of it in. Introducing you to food at 6 months was exciting as I couldn’t wait to share so many flavours and textures with you. 

I lovingly spoon-fed you for months, watching your tastes change and your mouthfuls getting bigger and more confident.

Your coordination skills hadn’t developed so you relied on me to heap the spoonful of goodness and aim right. 

And then you took the spoon off me. ‘Mine’ you said, and then proceeded to scoop sweet potato and pumpkin into your mouth with slight precision. I watched on in awe as your spoon skills improved and you graduated to self-feeding. 

At meal times, I now watch you from the kitchen, as you choose what you eat and in what order, inspecting every little bit before putting it into your mouth. Something I still do myself to this day. 

As your molars are coming in, you’re trying much firmer foods like steak, raw carrot, apple and capsicum and although I love watching you delight (and sometimes disappoint) your tastebuds, a little part of me will always long for the scents of homemade fruit puree filling the house. 

Image: Supplied.

Daycare

I almost didn’t want to send you. The very idea made my eyes well up and my heart literally hurt. We had been together every day for over 12 months. But I wanted to start back at work, and having you home with me and being able to focus on my work too just wasn’t possible. 

Despite my hesitation, I knew it would be the best place for you. As a baby born during COVID, you needed to be around other babies and kids so you could learn to socialise and you needed adults that weren’t family around so you could learn that other people are good.

I thought you would cry on your first day. But you didn’t. Only I did. You begged us to get you out of the car when we pulled into the carpark.

I kissed you, cuddled you and told you I loved you. You kissed me back, hopped out of my arms and disappeared into the playground. You didn’t look back.

Now 4 months later, you are absolutely thriving. You have made friends and really enjoy spending your one day a week at ‘school’. You sing, paint, draw and climb. This first was one of the toughest for me, but one of the most important ones for you.

Image: Supplied.

Sailor, although you are my last child, I hope you will one day see that doesn’t make you any less significant or special to me, your Dad or your sister. And even though I sometimes find it hard to let go, it’s only because I love you so much.

I have enjoyed watching you grow and change. I really look forward to the many more milestones to come, no matter how challenging or messy they may be. I’ll be ready to take your hand whenever you need, or let, me.

From your first hug and beyond, Huggies have the tools and advice to help you every step of the way. Explore more of their Toddler topics, and get your hands on Huggies Nappy Pants – made to move, just like your little one. 

Huggies Nappy Pants are made to move, just like your little one. They're developed with a unique SlimFlex™ Absorbent Core using Huggies' most advanced moisture lock technology yet. Huggies Nappy Pants deliver superior dryness while being 25 per cent less bulky* and 70 per cent more flexible*, allowing your little ones to move more freely.

*Vs. Huggies previous triple layer technology

Feature Image: Supplied/Mamamia.