"Scummy Mummies" share the hacks that'll get you through the day as a parent.

Having a baby can feel like being in the trenches.

The good news is that once your child gets a bit older, things start to settle down. It’s more like living in an occupied territory run by a despotic overlord, one who’s obsessed with Octonauts and rice cakes.

Every aspect of life requires a different approach. Planning a holiday is no longer a question of booking a last-minute minibreak; it requires the same amount of forethought, equipment and money as it takes to traverse a polar ice cap. Expect your home to be transformed once you’ve had kids. It’s as if you’ve been caught in a hurricane and woken up in some shit version of Oz. Everything is brightly-coloured, there are lots of small people, and you may be accompanied by a man who lacks courage and brains.

Your car will basically turn into a bin on wheels, and your clothes will magnetically attract food and bodily fluids. Your social life will become a series of play dates and park trips, and you will learn there is no more wretched hive of scum and villainy than a soft play on a rainy Saturday.

The fact is, everyday life is different when you have a baby – in all the ways you expected, and many more you didn’t. But along with all the hard stuff, there are plenty of fun surprises, lovely moments and opportunities to have a good laugh. And it’s great to get past the sleepless nights and stress of having a newborn. At least, until you decide to have another one…

Scummy Mummy life hacks

Life with small children isn’t always one big Boden catalogue, especially if you’re scummy. So here are our top tips for getting through the day.

Avoid that awkward ‘are you pregnant?’ conversation

Have you got a tummy that confuses friends, family and fellow commuters? Upcycle that ‘Baby On Board’ badge with a Sharpie. Try crossing out the word ‘Baby’ and replacing with ‘Cheese’. Or keep it nice and simple with the phrase ‘JUST FAT’. No one will ever ask how far along you are again.

Make trousers last longer

Little one outgrowing those tracksuit bottoms already? Stick them in a pair of wellies. Ta-da! Good for another three months.

Days out don’t have to be pricey

Save money by taking kids to the ‘free zoo’, or as it’s otherwise known, the pet shop. For another cheap outing, let them run wild at the ‘Scandinavian-style soft play’ (IKEA mattress department).

Get yourself a mummy bib

Invest in a scarf – they’re like muslins for mums. Great for mopping up sick, wiping noses and hiding a bad hair day. Can even be used as a nappy in an emergency.

Teach your kids it’s bedtime as soon as The Archers comes on

Then download the theme tune, hide the clocks and just hit play whenever you’re ready for the day to end.

Listen: Mum of four Bec Judd shares her pregnancy experiences. (Post continues after audio.)

Teach your children to call McDonald’s ‘the Farmers’ Market’

No one will judge you if the kids loudly announce they went to the farmers’ market for lunch again yesterday. For bonus points, refer to Happy Meals as ‘mezze platters’ and the free toys as ‘falafel’.

Wine makes everything better

Just pour yourself a nice, big glass (or mug, if it’s still only teatime) and drink up. There, now.

But really, there’s only one parenting life hack anyone needs: Remember to laugh

Laughter will get you through the tears, the tantrums and the tough times. It will sustain you through disastrous day trips and marathon Kate & Mim-Mim sessions. Laughing with your partner will keep your relationship alive. Laughing with your kids will remind you why you had them. And laughing at yourself is a great way to remember that nobody’s perfect – your best is good enough, even when it’s rubbish.

Scummy mummy confessions:

"Hubby came home to find me crying on the floor in the corner of the bathroom, with poo in my hair. ‘Potty training is FINISHED.'"

"While at a soft play, my three-year-old asked her dad, really loudly, to pass her 'the fucking zebra'. I try not to swear in front of her now."

This is an edited extract from Scummy Mummies by Ellie Gibson & Helen Thorn published by Quadrille RRP $14.99 and is available in stores nationally.