"Only serial killers use cling wrap." The rules for packing a school lunchbox.

This post is intended as satire. 

Buy a locally sourced, multi-compartment bento box in ethically farmed bamboo, steel or recycled plastic. 

But also make sure you only have small, separately packed containers for fruit, morning tea and lunch.

Make sure that you are using air tight, water tight containers so that nothing leaks into their bag. 

But also make sure that they can open and close all containers independently.

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Dairy should be included in a balanced lunch to support healthy bone growth in childhood. Try packing a small serve of unsweetened yoghurt or cheese. 

But also don’t pack anything that requires refrigeration.

A serve of seasonal fruit should be included daily, as fruit is full of essential vitamins and nutrients. 

But also avoid fruit and other sources of sugar at all costs.

A sandwich, wrap or pasta is an excellent source of complex carbohydrates that provide long-lasting energy, and should be packed for lunch. 

But also avoid grains and carbohydrates and make sure they are getting their energy from protein.

No store-bought packaged snacks, homemade healthy snacks are best. Please bake for your children weekly, ensuring you make everything from scratch. 

But also somehow portion and freeze a week’s worth of muffins, zucchini slice, muesli bars and mini quiches without using plastic wrap which is banned.

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Please send sandwiches and wraps in bento style containers or beeswax wraps only. Only serial killers use cling wrap these days. 

But also don’t waste water washing these by hand. You should only be using your dishwasher to ensure a responsible use of water resources. Even though these aren’t dishwasher safe.

Only gender neutral/non-commercial lunchboxes should be used.

But also don’t forget to support your child’s interests by allowing them autonomy over lunchbox choices. If they choose poorly, this is simply a reflection of your parenting.

Have fun with their lunch! Shape their sandwich into teddy bears, watermelon into love hearts, carrot slices into stars and try hitting up Instagram for some themed lunch box ideas. 

But also don’t forget to fit in a full-time job, an exercise routine and a fulfilling social life, as well as creating bespoke renaissance scenes out of sushi. You can do it all!

Make sure everything is safe for them to eat. Yoghurt pouches should have perforated lids and grapes should be sliced in half lengthways to prevent choking. 

But also remember not to baby your children and pack a lunch that fosters their sense of independence.

Lastly, remember that chips, jelly, ice blocks, meat pies, sausage rolls, chicken nuggets, chicken burgers, hot dogs and pizza are NOT suitable lunchbox choices. 

But also don’t forget they’re all available for purchase at the canteen!

For more on this topic:

• "Don’t forget to cry in the car": The rules for being a mum.

Feature Image: Getty.