In defence of disappointing others.

There's no denying it: I am a people pleaser.

The idea of someone being upset with me makes me start stress-biting my nails and my pulse quicken.

Don't get me wrong, I've been learning to change my tune. Over the past year, I've been trying to put myself first. Let me tell you, it's easier said than done.

BUT, I've made progress. I disappointed someone recently. On purpose!

Watch: Are you a people pleaser? The Mamamia Out Loud hosts discuss. Post continues below.

It wasn't malicious, just necessary. When plans I was genuinely excited about came around, I was completely exhausted. I knew if I turned up, I wouldn't bring my best self, and I'd be drained for my 6am Monday start.

Instead of rallying to make it work like I usually do, I said no.

There was shock. Maybe even hurt. And many messages trying to convince me otherwise.

And then… nothing bad happened.

I expected guilt, but what I mainly felt was relief.

That moment, choosing rest over obligation, felt radical.

Because for women especially, we're taught to be agreeable. Flexible. The emotional shock absorbers.

We say yes when we're tired. We smooth things over. We keep the peace.

It's taken me 26 years to unlearn this socialisation, and I've only scratched the surface. Because sometimes the most powerful thing we can do is disappoint someone — kindly, respectfully, and with no apology.

It's something Michelle Obama demonstrated earlier this year after choosing not to attend Donald Trump's 2025 inauguration. Immediately, everyone was wondering what had happened. Was it ungracious? Was her relationship with Barack on the rocks?

In reality, she just didn't want to go.

In a conversation with actor Taraji P. Henson on her podcast, IMO, Obama said she'd been working on feeling comfortable saying "no".

"My decision to make choices at the beginning of this year that suited me were met with such ridicule and criticism, like people couldn't believe that I was saying 'no' for any other reason that they had to assume that my marriage was falling apart," she said.

"It took everything in my power to not do the thing that was right, or that was perceived as right, but do the thing that was right for me. That was a hard thing for me to do," she said. "I had to basically trick myself out of it."

It made me think of a quote I came across by Irish poet David Whyte: "The measure of our courage is the measure of our willingness to embrace disappointment, to turn towards it rather than away."

I know Whyte is likely referring to the experience of being disappointed here. But when we embrace the courage to disappoint others, we acknowledge an uncomfortable truth — that we cannot be everything to everyone.

Saying no is scary. No one likes disappointing others, whether it's friends, family or your boss.

That courage costs something in the moment — the discomfort of potential conflict, the anxiety of rejection — but what I've gained in return is worth far more.

I'm not saying cancel all your plans and flake on your work commitments, but sometimes disappointing others if it's in our own best interest is worth it.

By saying no, I learned my friends wouldn't in fact hate me if I bailed on plans because I was exhausted. This single act of boundary-setting opened a door I didn't know existed.

Whether it's declining a social invitation when you're drained, asking for an extension on a project deadline or simply acknowledging when your plate is already full — these aren't failures, they're acts of self-respect.

It's impossible to do everything, be everywhere, please everyone. And why should we try? By getting comfortable disappointing people, you'll feel less guilty about putting yourself first when needed.

Saying no might be the most radical form of self-care there is.

Feature image: Supplied.