All the stars Sam Pang targeted in his Logies monologue.

What do you get when you cross a deadpan witty comedian with a room full of terrified celebrities? The best awards show monologue the nation has ever seen. 

Sam Pang from Have You Been Paying Attention has done it again by topping last year's Logies monologue.

Our 64th TV Week Logies host had technically warned us beforehand in a statement about his return, saying "Channel Seven have also given me the green light to try new things this year so I'm really looking forward to displaying my underappreciated and severely undeveloped song and dance skills."

Now, we've been gifted with seeing exactly what "try new things meant," and yep, he did not hold back.

Here's every single diss joke he made…

Similar to last year, Pang's monologue opened with a skit. He was seen sitting backstage in preparation mode where he was was joined by fellow Australian comedy greats and coworkers such as Tom Gleisner, Kitty Flanagan and Glen Robbins... Oh and Anthony Albanese also made an appearance. I mean we love it when our politicians can come down to our level to prove that they are also super chill and can say some funny things. 

Entering the stage, Pang hit it off right away saying "So I'm back and it's an honour to return as your guide for the evening. I'm not actually officially hosting for the second time - last year's ceremony just hadn't finished."

He then stuck right in listing off some reviews from his last years opening monologue… "The 'Sydney Morning Herald' said I delivered a stellar performance. The 'Herald Sun' said I had a sensational Monologue and charmed a nation. And Sky News said stop immigration - Asians are taking our jobs!"

Channel 7

As he warned, Pang put all his cards on the table by taking stabs at the network that’s hosting the awards and yes… I was anxious.

"Firstly, Channel Seven, well, I'm just letting you all know I'm going to say whatever I want tonight. I stand before you safe in the knowledge that whatever I say, this network will defend me in court.

"And with their Impeccable record in ... defamation cases over the last 12 months I reckon I'll be fine. Full disclosure - I'm not getting paid by Channel Seven tonight. Instead, for the next 12 months, they're paying my rent. Which is handy as they'll know what address to send the Thai masseuse to."

Channel 10 and Channel 9

Don't worry, Channel Seven wasn’t the only channel copping heat from the comedian. Pang continued talking about the other channels...

"It's been a tough 12 months for Channel Ten, although they did bring back Deal Or No Deal hosted by Grant Denyer, a show where contestants get to open a briefcase and try to guess how much money the network is losing each week...

"When it comes to Channel 9... all good, no notes. Carry on."

Ray Meagher

There wasn't just harsh, yet hilarious disses from our host. He congratulated Aussie TV legend Ray Meagher who’s just celebrated his 80th birthday.

"I love you, mate. Big night for you, Ray, just sitting there nervously, waiting to see if you're included in the In Memoriam package," he joked.

I mean, it's Sam Pang, so of course we’re getting some dark humour.

"Just keep your fluids up, mate, the next couple of hours...Next couple of hours are critical, Ray, OK," he continued, as the crowd (and myself) erupted in shocked laughter. 

Denise Scott

"Scotty, you were so funny on that show, you know I love you and I know that the last 12 months have been particularly tough. Having to work with Matt Okine."

Raygun

Our breakdancing representation for this year's Olympic Games also copped some heat. Pang congratulated Channel 9 on being the network that broadcasted the Games and mentioned some of our… athletes. 

"I'd like to acknowledge our youngest-ever gold medallist, 14-year-old skateboarder Arisa Trew.

"Now, as a rewards, her parents promised her a pet duck. Meanwhile, RayGun's parents have promised to get her breakdancing lessons.”

Married At First Sight.

The MAFS joke was probably the most anticipated of the night as it was a highlight from Pang’s last year’s monologue. 

And I must say, this year was executed as beautifully…

“Reality shows continue to thrive. One of the biggest shows sees contestants thrown together, isolated and willingly eating testicles and sometimes anus. That's right, 'Married At First Sight' continues to go from strength to strength…”

The Voice

Only one person from The Voice was in the firing line this year and honestly, poor thing, I hope someone warned her. 

"The Voice is nominated for Best Entertainment Program and they're changing it up this season. Joining Guy Sebastian are two new superstar coaches - Adam Lambert, who you'd know from Queen, and LeAnn Rimes, who you'd know from Googling, 'Who is LeAnn Rimes?'"

The Wiggles (Well, Jeff from The Wiggles).

"Hopefully you all saw Hot Potato: The Story of the Wiggles, which is nominated for Best Documentary. An honest, unflinching and no holds barred look into the writing process of such lyrics as 'toot toot, chugga, chugga, big red car.' Filled with stories and scandal, we learned a lot. 

We found out how Jeff slept his way to the top… and we discovered how The Wiggles broke down barriers by showing the world that not all Asians are hard working and industrious. 

Listen to The Quicky's recap of the Logies. Story continues below.

The Gold Logie nominees.

Pang started his Gold nominee jokes by reminding the audience of what happened last year… Big yikes. 

"Australian television royalty Daryl Somers who playfully attempted to auction off the Gold statue to the 7 nominees. Now, we won't be doing that again this year… simply because last year it started as a live auction but it finished as a silent auction."

Sonia Kruger

"Of course, Sonia Kruger, last year's winner and nominated again this year. Sonia, you win tonight, we're all looking forward tonight, we're all looking forward to your speech. At least I know I'm not going to lie, things aren't great between me and Sonia. Earlier this year I had to get the lawyers involved. Two words for you — ‘Baby Reindeer.’ I'm not sure why you're allowed to sit this close to me, Sonia."

Tony Armstrong

"Now, Tony Armstrong, host of three shows on the ABC. If he wins tonight, Tony would become the second person of colour to win Gold. People are saying if Tony won tonight, it would be a Cinderella Story… if Cinderella was a handsome, charming, talented heart-throb who played professional football… And a man.

"Good luck tonight, Tony. By the way, this is what an audience looks like."

Julia Morris

"Julia Morris is nominated again for Gold. This funny, talented woman has been nominated several times for the Gold logie. That's worded quite nicely, I must remember to use that again next year Julia. 

Andy Lee

"Andy Lee is nominated for Gold for the first time since 2012!

"Now, this man truly has everything — Host of The Hundred on Channel 9, best-selling author, has a hit podcast, renovating his dream home… 

"I was so happy when I saw Andy’s name was on the nominations list, but a bit sad because I didn't know that Hamish had died.”

Larry Emdur

"Larry Emdur nominated for Gold and it's about time! As host of 'The Chase' and 'The Morning Show', Larry has incredible connection with viewers trapped in nursing homes, hospital waiting rooms and the long-term unemployed. They're your people, Larry. 

Robert Irwin

"A win for Robert would be a fitting reward for his long, hard eight months in the industry. This year Robert replaced Dr Chris Brown as co-host of I'm A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here and I'd like to point out, they're very different people. For starters, Robert tries to save animals."

Well, the jokes didn't stop there, Pang came back on stage a few times between awards cracking even more deadly jokes. 

He absolutely nailed it without making people feel bad or uneasy. Looking at the crowd, the attendees were definitely nervous yet couldn’t help but laugh at every warranted dig and joke he made. 

I’m sure they’ll definitely be pinging him again next year.

Keep up to date with all the latest Logies news here.

Feature image: Channel 7