
This post is intended as satire.
Listen to this story being read by Tamara Holland here.
The rules for being a mum:
Have a drug-free birth, because medical interventions and planned caesarean sections are for women who don’t try hard enough.
But also don’t refuse any interventions or express any feelings about what happened to your birth plan because the baby’s life is more important than yours and you are just lucky to have a baby.
Breastfeed, obviously, because breast is always best. Cracked nipples, low milk supply and a baby that’s failing to thrive can all be fixed by just breastfeeding better.
But also don’t forget to make sure that dad and grandparents can bottle feed occasionally because hogging bub during that bonding time is really selfish.
Watch: Be a "good" mum. Post continues below.
Breastfeed exclusively until six months.
But also don’t forget that you only get 18 weeks of maternity leave.
Continue to breastfeed after 6 months, until 24 months and beyond. But also don’t forget that breastfeeding a toddler is wrong, and for the love of god don’t do it in public.