Rosie Recaps The Bachelorette Episode 5: A Peen Owner goes in for a kiss without permission.

Missed last episode’s recap? Get on that. Read it here.

Once again (AGAIN), we open on Peen Palace and are forced to endure the Peen Owners draaaaaging out the conversation about who will go on what date and where, instead of just finding the fuck out who will go on what date and where.

Then – TWIST! – Oshie’s Hair arrives and informs the two least popular contestants (Davey and some other guy whose name probably doesn’t matter so I’ll just call him The Other Guy) that they’ll be going on a ‘fight to the death’ date, in which two venture out, but only one will come back. GASP! (Well, for the Peen Owners, not really for us, since Channel Ten has been promoting the shit out of this Death Match Date all week).

Sasha, poor darling, is momentarily stupefied by the maths involved, and keeps asking if only one rose for two people means one person is going home.

Lucky Oshie’s Hair stuck around for this envelope opening, so he can explain the logisitics to any Peen Owners having trouble keeping up.

DEATH MATCH DATE TIME!

The two Peen Owners are sent into battle via an inflatable boat. I know Davey is on the left, but out of the other two guys I honestly couldn’t tell you which one is the driver and which one is part of the show.

OH MY GLOB YESSSSSS. The Death Match Date is not only on a yacht, but on a SUPER YACHT.

Bachie Queen even makes a point of calling it a SUPER YACHT so we know that it’s a SUPER YACHT. Money is falling from the skies y’all! Feminist Channel Ten Overlord Sandra Sully knows where the dollars should be spent: On helping a sister slay as much peen as possible.

Okay, this Death Match Date is boring. They’re pitching it to us as, “Davey is really immature, and The Other Guy is really mature, so… that’s why this is interesting.” That would only work if the date was interesting.

They do casino stuff. There’s lots of ‘THIS IS VERY SERIOUS BECAUSE THE TWO PEEN OWNERS ARE SO DIFFERENT’ music. Also lots of shots of them looking at each other with VERY SERIOUS FACES. I think the producers want us to know that THIS IS VERY SERIOUS.

Davey interrupts The Other Guy’s alone time. The Other Guy retaliates by interrupting Davey’s alone time. It is all VERY TENSE AND SERIOUS.

Memo received Channel Ten: THIS IS A VERY TENSE AND SERIOUS DATE.

Obviously, The Other Guy whose name I don’t remember is not chosen. He is promptly pushed overboard, since any budget allocated to return transportation was spent on the Super Yacht.

And just when we’re all starting to think, “Well, yeah okay, I guess Davey is kind of sweet and probably deserved to win over that Other Guy,” he pulls the BIGGEST DICK MOVE EVER.

He asks Bachie Queen for a kiss on the cheek, and just as she leans in to give it to him, he swings his face around and plants one on her lips. Then he congratulates himself by throwing his hands into the air in victory.

Kissing a woman without her consent isn’t cute. No jokes here. That was gross, and a violation of her personal space. BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

Bachie Queen was well within her rights to throw him overboard minus his childish testicles, and you can tell by the look on her face that she wants to:

She doesn’t. Although Davey’s days are clearly fucking numbered, and if he didn’t just get a rose he’d be going tonight. Knobcloud.

GROUP DATE TIME!

Yaaaaaaaay – it’s a humiliating ‘test the Peen Owners’ paternal skills’ challenge! Because shooting a load of jizz out is one thing, but knowing what to do with that jizz once it turns into a little person is a whole other skill set. And one that involves a lot more effort.

The Peen Owners must throw a party for 30 little kids, and after last week’s group date involved erotic rub-downs at a bathhouse, they look positively thrilled:

Cue lots of ‘LOLZ look at these crazy kids running the boys off their feet and aren’t they all going to be such good dads etc etc etc’.

The only drama comes from Dave The Aussie Plumber, who nobody wants play with and therefore has useless sperm.

The Professional-Soccer-Player-Except-Not-Really is deemed to have done the best with the kids, and his sperm is therefore most worthy. He is invited back to Peen Slayer HQ, where Bachie Queen will cook him dinner and further judge his sexual quality, and how it differs to the plumber who painted his face like a sad, drunk Joker.

Missed a recap? Catch up here:

Episode 1

Episode 2

Episode 3

Episode 4

And by ‘cooking dinner’, it quickly becomes obvious that Bachie Queen meant ‘make you a burnt cheese and tomato toastie’, which is perfection and, to be honest, far more elaborate than anything I’ve ever made for a man:

Cut to a shot of the moon (full, obviously), so we know that things are about to go from ‘lolz in the kitchen’ to ‘serious romance on a magic sex couch’.

Things go to Serious Romance on a Magic Sex Couch:

Ugh boring. Feeling feelings feelings blah blah blah. They kiss. Bachie Queen approves. Gives him a rose. She thanks him for being ‘so open’. That whole ‘Actually a Real Estate Agent’ thing may come as a shock then.

COCKTAIL PARTY TIME!

Oh. Okay. This is the most boring cocktail party ever. Nothing happens. Lots of serious music plays that is trying to convince us that lots of serious, dramatic things are happening, but nothing is actually happening. YOU CANNOT FOOL US WITH THE SERIOUS MUSIC, CHANNEL TEN. WE ARE ONTO YOU AND YOUR TRICKS.

Unlike the serious music though, the goofy music never lies. And right before we cut to the rose ceremony, they start playing some goofy music while they talk about Kayne, which means Kayne is definitely getting kicked out at the rose ceremony.

ROSIE CEREMONY TIME!

Kayne gets kicked out at the rose ceremony.

I imagine the conversation in the editing room went something like this:

“Shit. She booted that Kayne guy, but there is literally no reason for it. He’s just… Nothing. How do we explain this?”

“Just put together footage of the dumbest things he did on the show, and play some goofy music over it.”

“Genius!”

LESSON TO BE LEARNRED HERE: If footage of you appears onscreen while someone plays the tuba, you are about to be eliminated.

You should follow Rosie Waterland on Facebook right here. Also, she’s written her first book (which she thinks is quite humorous) and it’s OUT NOW. You can purchase it by clicking RIGHT HERE. Oh, and she invented television. And the wheel. And sandwich bags and toaster strudel.

Missed a recap? Catch up here:

Episode 1

Episode 2

Episode 3

Episode 4