Rosie recaps The Bachelor Episode 9: A new villain will rise.

Okay, so it’s no secret that I would rather use my clit for dart practice than watch this show without Super Villain Keira de Vil, but this is the sad reality we now find ourselves in.

Neither do I babe.

But let’s make the best of it and hope that Channel Ten has some kind of entertainment plan. Maybe the focus will switch to slightly obsessed Single Mum Alex, who everybody knows is secretly collecting Dickie Bach’s stray ginger pubes and keeping them in a little pile under her pillow.

Find all of Rosie's Bachelor recaps here.

We open on the Girl Prisoners at night, casually sitting around just being casual in their casual clothes, except they’re all in full rose ceremony hair and make up, so you know that they just had a rose ceremony and the producers are trying to save money by forcing them to film another scene before they go to bed.

"I definitely wasn't in my cocktail dress 15 minutes ago..."

After seeing the very schmicko set of Aussie Survivor this week, I think we can assume that Queen Sandra Sully decided to allocate all the major funds to a show in which women don’t compete for men, but against them. You know, as like, equals. WHAT A CRAZY CONCEPT.

The Girl Prisoners are pretending to have a conversation while they wait for Osher’s Hair to show up. Of course the only thing they have to talk about is Keira, and how Keira “started all the drama/caused all the drama/was the reason for all the drama/now that she’s gone there’ll be way less drama” etc etc etc. Um… Yes. Exactly. Do you think we watch this show to see people fall in love? DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THAT YOU ARE THERE TO ENTERTAIN US WITH CRAY CRAY?

The Single Date Card goes to… AN INTRUDER GASP! DRAMA! Oh except not really because Keira isn't here.

SINGLE DATE TIME!

Dickie Bach has chosen The Sexy Model Girl Intruder because of course he has. They sit on a Magic Sex Couch on a boat. They go jet-skiing. Dickie Bach manages to remain shirtless throughout.

YOU ARE VERY ENTERTAINED.

They go to another location to do some more sitting. He gives her a rose. End date.

Wow. I just described that entire date in less than ten sentences. Shit is getting DIRE.

GROUP DATE TIME!

The group date is at the Girl Prison, because Survivor needed extra cash and the Dickie Bach producers are being punished for letting Keira move on to a career of being photographed by paparazzi for the Daily Mail.

The date involves all the Girl Prisoners, even the brunette ones, and is apparently about testing who has the ‘ultimate compatibility score’ with Dickie Bach. They got in a compatibility ‘expert’ and everything. (I’m pretty sure to be a compatibility ‘expert', you just have to be really good at playing that percentage game with the letters in your’s and your crush’s names.)

"You’ll have 3 kids, drive a Ferrari and - UH OH - you’ll live in a mud hut hahahahahahaha!" When Year 7 becomes a job.

The Girl Prisoners will be put through a series of quirky cost effective tests, and whoever has the highest score as determined by the ‘expert’ gets some alone time with Dickie Bach peen. (Just quietly, isn’t this whole show about testing who has the best compatibility with Dickie Bach? Is this group date not a little, you know, obsolete?)

Boring boring tests boring. In an attempt to manufacture some DRAMAAAH, the five finalists have to touch a blindfolded Dickie Bach, while he guesses who’s who. And - TWIST!- the other Girl Prisoners are watching on a TV inside in an effort to make them sah totes jelly.

Slightly Obsessed Single Mum Alex behaves slightly obsessed. She looks into Dickie Bach’s blindfolded face and performs some kind of voodoo love ritual that she learned from the same old gypsy lady who told her she needed to collect his ginger pubes.

HE WILL BE MINE.

The ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ girl wins and gets some alone time with Dickie Bach, which she should enjoy while she can, because I’m not sure Alex will let her make it through the night with her lady parts intact.

They head to, I’m not even kidding, what Osher refers to as ‘the back paddock’ for their romantic date. Dickie Bach struggles to say ‘compatibility’ a few times. She gets a rose. They pash. End date.

Survivor better damn well be worth the money.

COCKTAIL PARTY TIME!

So, tonight’s MANUFACTURED DRAMAAAH is as follows: (Deep Breath)

Slightly Obsessed Single Mum Alex tells Dickie Bach that after knowing him for a month in which they’ve never had a conversation without cameras, she definitely knows that he makes being away from her son ‘totally worth it’, and then Rachel, who is being built up as the new villain, told Alex that Nikki is like, totally going to win, and if Nikki is totally going to win, then why doesn’t Alex go home to be with her little son and then Alex started crying and she told Nikki and Nikki was like lol whatever Rachel is just a biatch and then they started playing villain music over shots of Rachel laughing in a BLACK DRESS so you know that Rachel is totally a meanie villain who makes sweet single mums cry about leaving their little sons all alone.

So… Yeah. That was the DRAMAAAH.

The music made it official.

ROSE CEREMONY TIME!

Osher’s Hair arrives and does some complicated maths to determine how many brunettes will be going home this evening.

"If little Timmy walks to the shops at 8 miles per hour to buy 10 cans of hairspray for my hairspray machine, how many dollars were taken from our budget and given to the new Aussie Survivor show, and on what approximate day will Keira end up on an incredible new reality show in which she dates that annoying American dude who lied about being robbed in Rio, and just how many more times can we put you in ridiculous costumes and force you to compete in humiliating physical challenges for the peen of a man who is dating all of you at once?"

Two. Two brunettes will go.

Annnnnd yup: Oshie's complicated maths, like always, is spot on.

Two brunettes go. Bacon Girl, and the Intruder with the brownest hair.

BROWN HAIR NOT ALLOWED.

Bacon Girl says that dating a guy who made her compete with 21 other women for his peen, while never once asking her to spend any time alone with him, has made her believe in love, and that “there are good guys out there.”

And so another woman with a healthy perspective on relationships is released back into the wild. Huzzah!

Find all of Rosie's Bachelor recaps here.

Rosie Waterland is an author and comedian. Follow her on Facebook here. AND... Her debut one-woman show sold out at the Melbourne comedy festival, so now she's taking it ON THE ROAD BITCHEZ! Covering her mentally ill addict parents, her time in foster care, being a dweeby Houso kid, growing up to loathe giving head, being terrible at Tinder, pooping herself... It truly is a mixed bag. Get tickets RIGHT HERE.

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