Rosie recaps The Bachelor Episode 7: Here come the Intruders.

So we open – AGAIN – on the Girl Prisoners just hanging out in the Girl Mansion – AGAIN – speculating on who will be getting a date this week. AGAIN.

Seriously, remember when every episode used to open with the current Bachie looking out over various bodies of water while doing serious thinking? I MISS SERIOUS BEACH THINKING! What has happened? No budget to drive to the beach? Dickie Bach doesn’t have any thoughts to seriously think while shirtless?

I’m so over watching these girls talk and talk and taaaaaaaalk. Some brunette one, whose name is lost on me, is talking about her chances of staying. I feel bad that nobody’s told her she has brown hair and that scares Dickie Bach so she’s probs going asap.

Oshie comes. Hands out a date card. Rachel gets it. Same old shit.

Ugh - we know The Intruders are coming so can we PLEASE just skip ahead to that dramaaah?

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SINGLE DATE TIME!

Um… Wowsers. They’re spending the day on what looks like a boat they probably found in that junkyard from Making a Murderer. The little speed boat Rachel turned up in looks way safer. I would not be getting off that speedboat.

Seriously.

It’s meant to be a charming ‘tall ship', but really, it just looks like they didn’t have the damn cash to put this date on a super yacht. WOULD ONE LITTLE SUPER YACHT HAVE BEEN TOO MUCH TO ASK? I mean, seriously, ARE THEY JUST TROLLING US NOW:

They must be trolling us.

They couldn’t even be bothered to set up a proper Magic Sex Couch. It just looks like Dickie Bach and Rachel are sitting on a couple of buckets they plonked down on the deck, along with a random blanket. Someone really could not be fucked this week:

C.B.F

Blah blah blah talking talking “She’s always honest with me” yeah alright settle down Dickie this is the second conversation you’ve ever had. They climb some ladders up to the Crow’s Nest, and don’t seem nervous enough about the boat’s structural integrity, as far as I'm concerned. I think some producers are secretly hoping someone will fall so they can claim the show’s insurance. CHA-CHING.

Boring boring boring they go for a swim etc blah boring. I just want the intruders to come so we can watch everybody FLIP THE FUCK OUT. We may - praise be to Oprah - even get an actual table flip. They kiss. He gives her a rose. And I seriously can’t tell, with her bronde hair, if she’s a serious contender or not. The blonde half says yes, but the brunette half says no.

Who cares, really. INVADER TIME!

It’s a garden party at the Girl Prison, and the Girl Prisoners don’t know that while they’re drinking sparkling (c’mon - we know there’s no way that’s actual champagne), Dickie Bach is off on a date with THE INTRUDERS. The OTHERS. Those who SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED TO CROSS THE BORDERS.

We let them get drunk while we go see the OTHERS.

Hahahahahaha this actually cannot be real. All three girls are blonde (well, there’s a bronde one in there, but it still counts), and all three are some kind of representation of a male fantasy. Intruder #1 (The Sexy Model Girl Intruder) drives in on quad bike, wearing a wet, white tank top, while electric guitar plays. It’s like a photoshoot from FHM Magazine. She tells Dickie Bach she’s a model. He tells her she’s hot. Seriously. That is their exchange.

THE SEXY MODEL GIRL INTRUDER.

Intruder #2 (The Bubbly Shop Girl Intruder) drives in on a motorbike. In full motorbike jumpsuit. Pulls her helmet off, does an epic blonde hair flip, and giggles while asks Dickie Bach if she can have a ‘cuddle’.

THE BUBBLY SHOP GIRL INTRUDER.

Intruder #3 (The Preppy Smart Girl) gallops in on a very preppy looking horse, wearing a very preppy-looking helmet and a very preppy-looking shirt. Says she is studying law and human rights at university. Dickie Bach is impressed that she knows the word 'university'.

THE PREPPY SMART GIRL INTRUDER.

I can’t even deal with this. These three intruders are just like three months from the ‘Stereotypical Male Fantasy Calendar’. Dickie Bach is jizzing his pants as we speak.

He goes preppy horse riding with The Preppy Smart Girl Intruder, super sexy quadbiking with the The Sexy Model Girl Intruder, and bubbly motorbiking with The Bubbly Shop Girl Intruder. Nothing interesting happens. He likes the model best because not surprising.

Yay!

SOMEONE CALL PETER DUTTON THE INTRUDERS ARE PENETRATING THE BORDERS.

The producers, those manipulative heroes, have set this up perfectly - the Girl Prisoners have been all dressed up and waiting for hours, drinking sparkling THE WHOLE TIME. Things are about to blow, which is exactly what you want when a bunch of women are about to get mad at their boyfriend for dropping his number of girlfriends from 22 to 10, and now taking it back up to 13. I mean, ten girlfriends is okay, but THIRTEEN? Well that’s just crossing a damn line.

The Intruders are flown in on a helicopter, and there is immediately a One Nation-style ‘us vs them’ mentality. Cue lots of “But he’s our boyfriend!/We earned our place here!/We were here first!/They don’t belong like we do in this place we’ve been living for four weeks!” etc etc etc. The Originals are pissed.

Single Mum Alex immediately looks to be on the verge of an emotional breakdown/planning how to send these Invaders back to wherever they came from, preferably in little pieces.

"YOU WILL NOT HAVE HIM."

Super Villain Keira de Vil says, “I’m not trying to be mean, but…" which everybody knows is always immediately followed by something mean.

"Sorry, no offence, but it's true."

Megan looks about as pissed as she was when they made her prove her maternal skills with the Robot Baby.

"What the actual fuck?"

She pretty much says that she likes Dickie Bach, but this is emotional bullshit. Which is true, except you have to wonder how out of whack your Bullshit Barometer is when you were okay with your boyfriend dating 20 other women, and you only get mad at him when he chucks in a couple of extras. I think being in the Girl Prison recalibrates their brains in a messed up way.

Dickie Bach enters the Thunderdome. It all kinda seems like there’s not really enough drama until - DRAMAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

Okay. This is complicated. Let me see if I can break it down.

So The Sexy Model Girl Intruder asks Noni and Kiki (both brunettes with no chance) who is disliked in the house. She is all, “So who does everybody hate?” And they are all, “Keira” and The Sexy Model Girl Intruder is like, “Why?” and the girls pull that old “Cos she’s like, totally not even grateful enough to be here sharing a boyfriend with us, and that has like, caused heaps of altercations - but oh my gosh - she’s a really, really good person, just kind of the worst person in the world.”

So anyways, Georgia (another brunette with no chance) heard this going down, and immediately goes and tells Super Villain Keira de Vil everything they said about her, and Super Villain Keira de Vil obviously goes straight-up ape shit. She locks herself in the bathroom and is like, “Get away from me” and Kiki is all like “Nah but let’s talk about how I bitched about you” and Keira is all “GO AWAY YOU PEASANT” and Kiki is all “SATAN HAS RISEN FROM HELL.”

That is not me writing ridiculous hyperbole - they actually said that shit. It was glorious.

*Rosie collapses onto floor with pleasure*

Then they both storm off in different directions and Georgia just sits back and marvels at the devastation her gossip grenade has caused.

It was just the display of womanhood that the producers were hoping for when they plied these girls with alcohol and emotionally exhausted them for ten hours straight.

Megan, who still seems baffled as to how she ended up in this situation, says that it all “just seems like drama for the sake of drama.” Um… NO SHIT, SHERLOCK.

Rose Ceremony Time!

So they’ve been hinting all night that Megan has had it with this bullshit and she’s probs going to walk out.

Yeah. She walks out. Dickie Bach calls her name. Asks, “Megan, will you accept this rose?” She looks up at him and says. “I CAN’T.”

DRAMAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH.

All the media training in the world could not teach Dickie Bach how to handle this moment. His face is like mine when the KFC girl tells me there’s no potato and gravy left. It’s equal parts confused and heartbroken:

"But... How can this be?"

They have a chat outside, in which Megan pretty much says, “You seem lovely, but I’ve finally realised that this whole thing is bullshit, so I’m outie. Byeeeeeeeeeee.”

Dickie Bach is stunned. For about 11 seconds. Then he heads back inside to boot someone else.

It’s Georgia. It’s her punishment for dropping a Gossip Grenade and causing Keira to go into a peasant-yelling fit. Georgia is pissed, but Oshie tells it like it is:

Georgia then leaves, in a glorious, expletive-filled display of class:

Oh. Holy. Oprah. She's heaven. And I didn't even realise it until it was too late.

Wowsers. I need a drink.

Rosie Waterland is an author and comedian. Follow her on Facebook here. AND... Her debut one-woman show sold out at the Melbourne comedy festival, so now she's taking it ON THE ROAD BITCHEZ! Covering her mentally ill addict parents, her time in foster care, being a dweeby Houso kid, growing up to loathe giving head, being terrible at Tinder, pooping herself... It truly is a mixed bag. Get tickets RIGHT HERE.

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* Video via TenPlay