'I'm a sex therapist who coaches couples through the "roommate phase". This is what I tell them.'

You've spent another night with a toddler sleeping in bed. Your husband has managed to pile his dirty laundry right next to the basket, but not actually *in* it. You're starting to refer to him only as 'daddy', and not in a sexual way.

You've found yourself in what is dubbed the 'roommate phase'.

It's a topic we've previously spoken to relationship coach Megs Dixon about.

What is the roommate phase?

"The roommates phase looks like Groundhog Day. There's no spark, no spontaneity, and you're triggering each other more than you're connecting with each other. You're having the same old argument without progress," she told Mamamia.

"You've got a foot out the door. You're psychoanalysing everything and trying to decide whether to invest in salvaging the relationship or not. The roommates rut can lead to really neglecting each other, which is a really sad, painful place to be."

Dixon did a deep dive into the psychology of the roommate phase, but what about the specifics when it comes to sex? When that spark is just non-existent?

We decided to speak to a sex therapist, so you don't have to.

Here, sex and relationships expert for We-Vibe, Christine Rafe, takes us through exactly what a sex rut looks like, and how to climb out of that platonic hellhole.

How common is a sex rut in a marriage?

Not getting too much of this? A sex therapist says it's quite common. Image: Getty.

We're all fascinated by sex. How much of it we're having, how good ours is compared to others, and if we're really keeping up with the saucy antics of the Joneses.

According to Rafe, a roommate phase sex rut is extremely common. Basically, you're not alone.

"In my view, getting into a sex rut in long-term relationships is common because of the socially constructed belief that if the relationship is 'right', desire and sex will just happen spontaneously and without any thought, intention or planning," she tells Mamamia.

"A sex rut can happen when we incorrectly assume that our new-relationship energy (which is largely driven by novelty and newness as well as the increased release of our 'happy hormones') will last forever, and we don't have to do anything to maintain it."

Rafe said it's one of the main reasons that couples access sex therapy.

"I believe the 'lovers to roommates' transition would be way less common if we understood going into a relationship that we need to have ongoing intention, communication, curiosity and openness about our desires," she said.

This is what maintains chemistry in the long-term.

Sex therapist advice for couples in a rut.

Is one gender more interested in sex than the other?

Traditionally, we're told the story that men are horny beasts and women are reticent to engage in the bedroom, but Rafe said this couldn't be further from the truth.

"This is a problematic narrative for heterosexual couples because it feeds into the belief that men are 'always up for it', so if their desire is lower than their partners, it becomes about something 'wrong' with the woman," she said.

It also shames women who have high libidos, which Rafe said is anything but abnormal.

"In reality, the research tells us that there is more variation in libido within genders than between them; meaning there are folks of any gender with low or no libido and folks of any gender with high libidos."

How to address libido differences in a relationship.

If you've been trying to spice it up in the bedroom and getting nothing back, don't fear. 

Rafe said there is no such thing as a 'correct' libido, and that "desire differences are a couple issue, not the 'problem' of the lower libido partner (which is usually what people assume)."

She adds, "Everyone in the relationship is responsible for creating an environment where pleasure and sexual intimacy are more accessible."

Re-framing rejection. 

It's you vs the problem, not you vs each other. Image: Getty.

Have you ever watched your partner ignore you, the children and the dishes for hours on end and just felt bubbling resentment? Not exactly the building blocks for a romantic night in.

Rafe said desire is a complex interplay of many factors, and it's important to examine these rather than just blame libido.

"Stress, mental and physical health conditions, medication, self-image and environmental circumstances like housemates, cleanliness of surroundings, and privacy can all play a part," she said.

Therefore, if you make a move and are rejected, consider firstly what is going on in the other person, and also how that rejection is making you feel.

"Identify what you're actually feeling rejected by. Is it physical intimacy, time and attention, verbal affirmations? I find that when someone is feeling sexually rejected, there's often a broader sense of feeling disconnected, unappreciated or insecure about themselves or the relationship as a whole," she explains.

"Once you understand what is happening for yourself, I suggest communicating how you are feeling to your partner in a way that is being responsible for your own feelings, and showing curiosity about their experience rather than 'blaming' them.

"An example of this could be 'I feel like we haven't had many opportunities to connect recently. I'm curious if you feel that too? I'd love to talk about how we can make this a priority for us.'"

The 'tired' excuse. 

Rafe said that while tiredness is a very valid excuse, partners can validate that feeling without totally abandoning physical connection.

"You can acknowledge and validate your partner's [low] energy levels, as well as share that you'd love to find time and energy to connect."

She adds that often taking sex off the table and considering what is possible can help. Low sensual energy or relationship intimacy might be a way forward: from taking a shower together to mutual masturbation.

Even consider bringing a toy into the bedroom to do the hard work for you. "[Try] using a toy like the We-Vibe Moxie, which is app controlled, so your partner can be involved in a low-touch way."

But she cautions, "It's important not to pressure your partner into anything they don't want to do, as this isn't helpful for anyone."

You're on a completely different schedule.

If your partner is standing to attention before the sun rises, but you're not feeling it until it has gone to bed, intimacy can be tough.

"Unless you and your partner are willing and able to work to shift your schedules, there is a level of acceptance and compromise needed here," said Rafe.

"Acknowledge that sex and intimacy is a priority for you, and see if you can come up with a compromise. This could include organising sexy date afternoons on the weekend, setting an alarm to get up 20 minutes earlier than you need to for a quick sesh before work, or prioritising intimacy straight after work and before full stomachs and fatigue really set in."

You're just not feeling the 'spark'. 

Non-sexual intimacy can be a key stepping stone. Image: Getty

If you're not feeling it for your partner in a sexual way, it might be time to examine why.

Rafe suggests to:

• Reflect on what 'spark' means to you: "In live-in and longer-term relationships, we often get caught up in the routine and monotony of life, meaning that we aren't actively planning and doing new and exciting things together. Consider what you used to do that supported you feeling the 'spark' for your partner, and see if you can reintroduce some of those things."

• Be open and honest: "Sharing your feelings with your partner can feel vulnerable but might be worth it. If they're making advances, they may want to make things better, too."

• Look inwards: Are you prioritising your own self-care? Rafe said, "Sometimes, feeling distant can come from being overwhelmed or lacking personal space. Focusing on your own well-being and interests can give you more energy and openness toward your partner."

• Desire isn't always instant: "Many folk have what is known as a responsive desire, meaning that they need sensually or sexually relevant stimuli in their environment (could be anything you see, touch, smell, hear or taste) for their desire to 'turn on'. Because of this, I like to encourage a pleasure first model for connection. This means that instead of waiting for desire to spontaneously show up, you can focus on creating environments where non-sexual but potentially sensual pleasure is accessible and possible (e.g. massage, making out), and see whether this supports desire."

3 techniques to rebuild intimacy after the roommate phase, from a sex therapist.

Non-sexual connection.

If you're spending heaps of time scrolling on your phone or watching TV, you may be missing opportunities for non-sexual connection.

• "If you don't want to 'schedule sex', be intentional about creating space and time where you can connect with each other non-sexually (no phones or TVs). 

• "Consider incorporating a non-sexual massage (or other physical contact), making out with each other, dancing together or something that is physically connecting without the pressure or expectation it will lead to anything genital."

• "Physical contact through touch, making out and/or moving bodies together is sensually relevant for many folk and can support in turning on your brain's receptiveness to sexual intimacy."

Get erotic. 

Sometimes a long break in intimacy can lead to awkwardness around the topic.

• "If it feels like it's been so long since you've been sexual that you feel too vulnerable or uncomfortable initiating anything sensual or sexual, start by listening to sex-positive podcasts together."

• "[Try] listening to audio erotica together or even reading your partner a short erotic story, then discussing what you liked/didn't like about it. 

This can help introduce sexual stimuli without it being about you personally, which can feel too vulnerable.

Listen to Mamamia's audio erotica podcast channel here. Post continues below.

Bring back the goods.

Most of the time, you will have started out in the honeymoon phase with a healthy sex life. Maybe it's time to bring this up in conversation?

• "Reflect on and discuss what you enjoyed about your sex life early in the relationship with one another."

• "Identifying peak memorable sexual experiences and discussing when it was and what you loved about it can help you and your partner to identify what turns you on."

Of course, if you're doing all the above and need the help of a professional, it's worth touching base with a third-party therapist who can help you to navigate this without pressure or bias.

Feature image: Sex Education.