'I had a miscarriage. And I was secretly relieved.'

This story includes discussion of pregnancy loss that may be distressing to some readers.

When my gynaecologist told me that I couldn’t conceive a baby naturally anymore, I was extremely upset and disappointed. 

I did consider the option of IVF, but seeing as I was already a proud mum of two kids, I decided not to try for more. 

However, a few years later when I found out I was unexpectedly pregnant, I was ready to drop everything to welcome a third child into the family.

As I hadn’t reached the 12-week mark yet, I’d only told a few close family and friends who were also very happy about the baby news. I began to imagine my life with the new baby in it. 

Watch: Mia talks about feeling lost after miscarriage. Story continues below.

I had already picked out a name because I was certain the baby was a girl. I had even started shopping for tiny newborn baby clothes. 

Things were going well, and the baby’s father and I were looking forward to my first ultrasound in a few days’ time.

But then everything came crashing down. My pregnancy came to a traumatic end even before I had the first scan.

I can clearly remember the day of my miscarriage.

I had just used a public toilet, stood up and bled heavily all over the floor. I was in shock and crying inconsolably as I got down on my hands and knees to soak up the blood with toilet paper. I was absolutely devastated. But little did I know, I hadn’t quite reached rock bottom just yet. What followed was a very emotional and low time in my life.

According to Miscarriage Australia, one in four pregnancies will end in miscarriage. Common feelings after a miscarriage can include grief, sadness, loneliness, numbness, anger, jealousy, confusion, shock, fear, failure, guilt, and relief. Having never experienced a miscarriage before, I wasn’t expecting such a rollercoaster of emotions, especially the relief.

I was very sad about the loss of my baby’s life, so my feelings of relief came as a big surprise to me, and I had a difficult time processing my emotions. Never could I have ever imagined that I would feel comforted in knowing that one of my children had died.

My family and friends were also devastated to hear about the loss of my baby and did their best to comfort me. Those who had experienced a miscarriage themselves also shared their own tragic stories. Their support meant a lot to me but seeing as no one else spoke about relief, I didn’t feel able to bring it up. So, I decided it would be best to keep it to myself.

I made a decision to never tell a soul how relieved I was because I didn’t want to sound like a horrible person.

I realise now that I had been burying issues that I was deeply concerned about, which contributed to my feelings of relief. The joy of the pregnancy had overshadowed the unpredictability and complications that come with having a baby, but after the miscarriage, the reality of what could have been, came to light.

In both of my previous pregnancies, I had suffered from extreme morning sickness to the point where I was bedridden for about three months straight. The thought of feeling dizzy and vomiting every time I sat up again, for months on end, was daunting. I was terrified about the birth as well. In one of my previous labours, the exact moment I held my baby for the first time, I started to bleed out, lost consciousness and almost died. The doctors never knew why, so there was no way to prevent it from happening again. Being pregnant once more, I had felt like a ticking time bomb. After the miscarriage it was an enormous relief to know I would no longer be in a position where my life would be at risk.

Not being pregnant also felt like I’d been set free of the overwhelming responsibility of a newborn baby, and I began to think about the positives of my life going back to the way things were.

I hadn’t been looking forward to sleepless nights with a newborn; or the nappies, extra washing, cooking baby food, and eventually toilet training. My family had already passed the baby, toddler and preschool stages and I was relieved not to have to start the process all over again.

I was grateful I didn’t need to put my career on hold for a third time as well. Even though I would have taken time off work to look after the baby, it was a huge relief knowing that I didn’t need to anymore.

However, alongside this relief came new feelings of extreme guilt. This is when the intense self-loathing began, triggering relentless toxic thoughts almost every waking hour, for several months after the miscarriage. What type of mother is relieved when their baby is dead? I had convinced myself I was a monster.

With my reluctance to share my true feelings with anyone, it quickly became a very lonely time for me. I was my own worst enemy and unwilling to seek help because I didn’t feel worthy of it. Eventually my self-hatred had consumed me and became the worst part of losing the baby. It was the lowest I have ever been in my life, a depth I didn’t realise was possible.

For a long time, I was in conflict with myself. I constantly questioned my love for the baby, because to me, being relieved symbolised that I never loved the baby at all. Deep down I knew I did love my rainbow baby, but I felt like something was wrong with me. I felt like a traitor.

My persistent overthinking and self-loathing lasted well over a year. It wasn’t until I slowly gave myself permission to feel what I was genuinely feeling, without the self-criticism, that I started to heal. I gradually came to realise that there was no right or wrong way to grieve.

Even though I’m still relieved about my miscarriage, I no longer feel guilty about it because if my rainbow baby were alive today, she would have been given a wonderful life. But I wish I could have openly discussed my true feelings with close family and friends, instead of hating myself over something I had no control over. I now know that the best self-care you can do after losing a baby is forgiveness and to be kind to yourself.

If you need emotional support after a miscarriage, please reach out to any of these support services:

Red Nose Grief and Loss: 1300 308 307 or rednosegriefandloss.org.au

Bears of Hope Pregnancy & Infant Loss Support: 1300 11 HOPE or bearsofhope.org.au

PANDA Perinatal Anxiety & Depression Australia: 1300 726 306 or panda.org.au

Miscarriage Australia: miscarriageaustralia.com.au

Feature image: Getty.