'My mum went from supportive to toxic the moment I had kids. I'll never understand the reason.'

As told to Ann DeGrey

When I was growing up, my mum wasn't particularly controlling. If anything, she was pretty relaxed. I was allowed to make mistakes and figure life out on my own. She worked hard in the local hospital as a nurse, and she was great about giving us space, and trusting us to get on with things. That's why I don't understand what's happened since I became a mum myself.

Now, it feels like every time I see her, I'm being judged. She's gone from being hands-off to being more involved than I ever asked for; and not in a helpful way. If anything, it feels like she's more controlling now than she ever was when I was a kid.

I'm in my early forties with two children, a job, a house, and a mortgage. But whenever I visit my parents, I somehow become 12 again. It starts small with little comments like, "Oh, you're letting her wear that to school?" or, "Do you really think she should be having a muffin just an hour before dinner?"

But it builds up and gets more aggravating. Last week, while I was staying overnight with the kids, I jumped in the shower, came out, and found that Mum had unpacked and repacked my baby's nappy bag.

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"I just thought it looked a bit chaotic," she said. She proudly told me she'd put in a spare hat and swapped the wipes for the better ones she'd bought. She smiled like she was doing me a favour. But I stood there, holding a towel to my chest, wondering why it felt so insulting.

She makes a fuss about almost every little choice I make as a mother. Whether it's what snacks I pack, how I brush my daughter's hair, or how I talk to my kids when they're upset.

Mum always has something to say. And it's never just advice. She's very clever at framing her words like criticism. Like I'm never good enough.

She shows up to my daughter's netball games and then says things like, "You really need to learn how to do a proper ponytail. Can't you see it keeps falling out?" Or, "I packed her a banana and dried apricots in case she didn't want those awful dry crackers you brought."

It's constant and drives me crazy. But I know that she loves us and I know she thinks she's helping. But it doesn't feel helpful at all. It feels like I'm being undermined.

And when I try to gently push back or say, "It's okay, I'm happy with the way I do things," she acts like I'm being rude or ungrateful. She told me I'm too sensitive, and I should be grateful that her kids' grandmother cares so much.

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And that's when the guilt kicks in. Because, of course, I want what's best for my kids. I wake up every day trying to do my best for them. I don't think I'm perfect in any way. But I'm trying and I'm learning. And I wish she could see that instead of picking apart everything I do.

My Dad doesn't say much, and my husband just stays out of it—but I see him roll his eyes occasionally, when Mum gets on a roll. I think he knows she goes too far, but he doesn't stop her.

I've tried talking to her about it. I told her that while I appreciate her experience and I know she means well, I need space to be a parent in my own way. She nodded, said she understood and then two days later, she told my daughter that her shoes were "very cheap looking" and that "Mummy should take you shopping for better ones."

It's exhausting. I sometimes avoid visits just because I don't want the stress. And then I feel guilty about that too. Because I know she wants to be involved. But I also need to feel like I'm allowed to be their mother without being constantly corrected.

The worst part is that it's started affecting how I see myself. I second-guess the snacks I pack.

I Google "how to do the perfect ponytail" even though I know it's fine.

I feel like I'm failing, even though I know I'm not.

I just want her to stop treating me like a child. I want her to understand that I'm doing the best I can and that what I really need from her is support, not constant commentary.

Being a mum is hard enough. But feeling like I'm being analysed by my own mother every time I'm around her with my kids makes it so much harder.

Feature Image: Getty.