The 4 common 'blind spots' in your relationship, and how to spot them.

You know those arguments you have with your partner that tend to go... absolutely nowhere? 

They don't understand your point of view; you don't understand theirs - and you go around in circles? And then you both convince yourselves that it's fixed and do it all over again a few months later??

Sigh.

That, friend, is what experts call a relationship 'blind spot'.

Watch: With and without Relationships: Single, not single. Story continues below.

Basically, when you're both just not *getting* each other.

We can suddenly get defensive, emotional, needy or just avoid the situation completely - all coping mechanisms we use to protect ourselves.

According to couples counsellor Lissy Abrahams, the causes of these blind spots and the ensuing coping mechanisms, go all the way back to your childhood.

"We were all shaped by our environment growing up more than we all know," explains Abrahams. "It’s like there is a program from which we automatically run much of our lives and our relationships." 

"What’s critical here, is that we cannot easily access the information for what shaped us, as it’s held unconsciously in our mind. For many of us, the information was encoded when young, before we even had words."

Meaning? You and your partner have been shaped differently and basically run off different programs. 

Enter: Conflict.

"As these are unconscious, both partners will have blind spots about how they’ve individually been programmed to relate.'

The worst part about it? "Partners often have no idea of the extent to which their blind spots impact their own relationship."  

The thing is, though - we all have these blind spots. Every couple. And understanding them can help improve your relationship.

That's why we're going to tell you exactly what to look for, along with what to do about it.

Got that notepad ready?

What are the most common blind spots?

The first thing you need to do? Identify said blind spots - because they can be difficult to notice. Especially because they're so ingrained into our own personality; they're essentially part of what makes you, 'you'.

And while we'd all like to think our personalities and behaviour patterns are just fine, taking time to assess how certain things impact your relationship is only going to help your relationship in the long run.

So, what are the most common kind of blind spots?

According to Abrahams, there are four key ones to look out for:

1. Relational templates. 

"One of the greatest blind spots is that we don’t really understand how we have been programmed for relationships," said Abrahams.  

"When we were children, we absorbed so much information, the happy and connected times, and the frightening or lonely times. Imagine that these experiences are encoded into a program (called a relational template) – that we run our relationships from throughout life." 

Relational templates are the foundation that hold our "expectations, beliefs, opinions, and rules for how we should or shouldn’t behave and be treated in a relationship," said Abrahams. 

It's important to note that no two relationship templates are the same - we're all unique and "made up of thousands and thousands of interactions with parents or caregivers."  

"Our partner will have different templates which means there will always be a gap between theirs and ours."

"How partners navigate this gap is the difference between a safe and happy enough relationship and one that struggles."  

2. Our threshold for distress tolerance.

How you cope with this gap is key. 

"It’s a massive blind spot for us if we can’t cope with or tolerate our anxious, overwhelmed or upset feelings that arise when faced with the gap between our relational template and our partner’s." 

"At these times, we’ve hit our threshold and have distress intolerance. If partners can’t tolerate each other’s different relationship expectations, beliefs, opinions, and rules then they will definitely be triggered as this will feel unsafe." 

Abrahams goes on to say that partners will feel distressed, sad, lonely and overwhelmed if they experience their partner as: 

• Speaking to them in a way they disapprove of. 

• Not celebrating their birthday with sufficient thought.  

• Not listening attentively or adequately.

• Not supporting them sufficiently.

3. Our triggers.

Another blind spot? When we don’t know what really triggers us and why, shares Abrahams. 

This constitutes any behaviour that might cause us to recall a traumatic or distressing emotional experience from the past, "usually without any awareness of the original event".  

Abrahams goes on to explain that we can be triggered by our partner who might not be able to identify these emotions as having originated in the past. "They feel very present," she adds.

"When triggered by our partner’s words or actions, we can suddenly feel distressed or overwhelmed just like we did when we were a vulnerable child. These past experiences are still inside us, causing the experience with our partner to feel frightening, so we react using our survival response of fight-or-flight."

Interesting, right?

"What triggers us with our partner will be linked to the information unconsciously held in our relational templates. If it wasn’t encoded in the template, we wouldn’t care so much."

For example, "If we feel our partner is disapproving of us, it would feel devastating because disapproval or, even worse, rejection, is in our template. We will typically react in fight-or-flight mode to this." 

Or, "If we experience our partner as criticising, we will likely be triggered as being criticised as a child felt terrible and now feels overwhelming with our partner."

Out of all the blind spots, this is one of the most major. 

Abrahams essentially explains it as time travelling - where we get confused about what constitutes as feelings of the past and what is present. 

"Just because our partner’s words or actions feel the same inside us as past events, doesn’t mean it is the same now."

4. Our defence mechanisms.

When we get into an argument with our partner, we have mechanisms to protect ourselves - it could be denial, defensiveness, or just completely shutting down.

"Whenever we have gone into fight-or-flight due to our partner’s words or actions, we can unconsciously use ego defence mechanisms. These are a form of fight-or-flight (avoidance) and are a major blind spot in couple relationships, especially as they too are unconscious."

Some common ego defence mechanisms are: 

• Denial - "Our mind blocks whatever we can’t accept at that moment to protect us from the emotional impact. This could be from the devastating news of a death, serious illness, or of a cheating spouse."  

• Projection - "We unconsciously disown parts of ourselves that we don’t like and ‘see’ them in others. For example, we may feel insecure about our career with a particular colleague. Instead of tolerating our insecurity, we look for negative qualities in them to make us feel better."  

• Regression - "We revert to the behaviours or emotions of an earlier developmental age as we can’t tolerate the feelings inside us. With our partner, we may scream, cry, become petulant, sulk, complain, use a baby voice, or refuse to speak." 

• Intellectualisation - "Making external excuses or justifications are also ways to avoid the emotional experience that is occurring."  

How should you deal with relationship blind spots? 

As we touched on before, the first and most important step is to assess your blind spots and take full responsibility for them.

"It’s not your partner’s fault how your relational template was shaped when you were young. They were not there."

There are three ways to tackle this head-on.

1. Therapy. 

Going for therapy and seeing a professional will help you "join the present with the past," said Abrahams. "We have all been shaped differently and have our own unique relational templates."

Abrahams goes on to say that talking with a professional can help you understand "how your relational templates from childhood still operate inside you today. Are you clingy? Mistrusting? Secretive? Why?"

She said it can also help clarify how and why you react to your partner as you do. "What are your triggers and what ego defence mechanisms do you use?"  

2. Resources. 

"Some online courses, podcasts and books can also help you identify triggers and ego defence mechanisms."  

3. Calming the nervous system.

"Repeatedly going into fight-or-flight mode can make your nervous system jumpy. Breathing exercises and/or mindfulness are great tools for calming it down and increasing your threshold for distress tolerance."  

So, get into that meditation!

"Our blind spots leave us exposed to being triggered by our partner. The more we understand how we’ve been programmed, the more we can look after our relationship."

Want to hear more from Lissy Abrahams? Here's a link to her e-book.

Can you identify any of these blind spots in your relationship? Share your thoughts in the comment section below.

Feature image: Getty

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