'I'm a relationship expert and there's one crucial step to knowing if you're with the wrong person.'

When relationship doubts creep in, it's natural to wonder: should I stay or should I go? But according to expert Georgie Collinson, author of Master Your Relationship Anxiety, there's one crucial step that will give you the clarity you're desperately seeking.

Collinson told Mamamia that before you make any drastic decisions about your relationship, you need to "break up with the pattern first."

But what does that actually mean? And how do you know if your relationship anxiety is trying to protect you or sabotage you? Let's dive in.

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Why our brains are wired for relationship anxiety.

First, it's important to understand that feeling anxious in relationships isn't a character flaw — it's actually hardwired into us as humans.

"Relationship anxiety occurs because we have such a need for connection that if we are not with someone that's safe, we will feel it," Collinson explained. "Relationships are so fundamental to us that we're always going to have an alarm bell go off if something's not quite right in that connection."

Rather than viewing this anxiety as something to suppress or ignore, Collinson suggests we re-frame it entirely: "That anxiety isn't a problem. It's actually guiding us back to working through what we need to create these deeper connections and partnerships and ultimately feel more confident and safe in ourselves, and in love."

The four types of relationship anxiety.

Collinson identifies four distinct patterns of relationship anxiety that we develop from our experiences and childhood. Recognising which one resonates with you is the first step towards understanding what your anxiety is really trying to tell you.

1. Fear of loss or abandonment

"First, we've got the fear of loss or abandonment, which is where, on some level, we are afraid that we might be left. But it can also come up when we're happily in a secure relationship, where we have this recurring thought of, 'what if something happens to them?'"

2. Fear of rejection or disapproval

"Then we've got the fear of rejection, and that's where we're wondering, 'have I got their approval? Am I good enough for them? What if I'm too needy?' We'll tend to put ourselves lower down in terms of our self-worth and we'll put them way up high on a pedestal and that comes back to 'maybe I'm not really worthy of love'."

3. Fear of being trapped in a bad situation

"Then we've got the fear of being trapped in a bad situation and this is where we've got this recurring worry that we're not with the right person for whatever reason it might be, that we've got expectations of perfection, or that we've actually got some red flags coming up that we're starting to think maybe this isn't quite the right place for me to be."

4. Fear of identity loss

"And the last one is the fear of identity loss, essentially, that I'm going to lose myself in this relationship. And this is where people tend to constantly keep that partner at arm's length, and they need a lot of space, or think 'maybe I'd be happier with someone else'. And that type of relationship anxiety can pull apart a perfectly beautiful connection, just from these deeper fears that are coming through."

When anxiety becomes a constant companion.

If you're constantly questioning whether your relationship is healthy or whether you're with the right person, Collinson says it's time to examine your expectations.

"We've really got to get grounded about what our expectations are in love. We can paint a picture of the perfect fantasy of love stories in movies and TV shows."

But here's where it gets tricky — sometimes our anxiety is legitimate. "When we have an awareness of red flags it is super helpful to see where there's not really work-ability, and where we're just not compatible, or things are really not healthy. And that's really tough to work through, especially when you're in love with someone and you're in a situation like that."

So how do you know the difference between anxiety that's protecting you and anxiety that's sabotaging you?

The game-changing approach: Break up with the pattern first.

Here's where Collinson's revolutionary advice comes in. Instead of ending the relationship when you're feeling uncertain, she suggests a different approach entirely.

"Break up with the pattern first, before you end the relationship, so that in that process, the relationship will just naturally fall away if you're showing up with these healthy boundaries and taking care of yourself, or the other partner has to rise and meet you there."

Why is this so important? Because "unhealed patterns tend to continue to play out whether they're in the form of getting back together with the same person later on or attracting another person just like them down the track."

What breaking up with the pattern actually looks like.

This isn't just theoretical advice — Collinson gives concrete examples of how to shift your patterns:

"If you have a habit of not speaking up for yourself or abandoning your own needs in a relationship, what happens if you start saying, 'actually I need reassurance right now', instead of the old pattern of pretending you're okay without those things?"

Or: "That moment you feel pain because they've said something instead of saying, 'Oh, that's not a big deal, I don't want to make an issue of this,' start speaking up for yourself and saying 'this is what I need in a relationship'."

What happens when you change the game.

When you start showing up differently in your relationship, you'll quickly discover whether you're with the right person or not. As Collinson explains: "That's how we can start to shift things and see either that other person is going to be very unhappy with that arrangement because they're not getting the same pattern out of you, and they end the relationship, or they have to rise and meet you."

This approach acts as a natural filter. "To have a healthy, functioning relationship, we do need to be able to speak up for what it is that will make us feel good and safe and, with the right person, that should be a priority for them too."

Your anxiety is actually your friend.

Perhaps the most liberating part of Collinson's approach is how she re-frames anxiety entirely: "That anxiety will always call us. It's helping us. It's not this thing that comes to inconvenience us or freak us out or ruin our lives. If you listen to it, it's guiding you to a healthier version of yourself and a better life."

The beautiful outcome either way.

Whether your relationship survives this pattern-breaking process or not, Collinson says you win either way: "If this partner does exit your life, there is space for you to be a kind, loving partner to yourself until another person who matches your healthier energy can come in and fill that vacant space."

The bottom line.

Instead of agonising over whether to stay or go, speak up for your needs. Set boundaries. Ask for what you want.

Your relationship — and your partner's response — will tell you everything you need to know about whether you're with the right person. And if they're not the right person? Well, you might have lost someone and very likely will hurt for a little while. But then you've gained something priceless: being the right person for yourself.

You can find a copy of Georgie Collinson's book 'Master Your Relationship Anxiety' and her first book, 'The Anxiety Reset Method' here, or find her on Instagram.

Feature Image: Supplied / Instagram @georgiethenaturopath