The 4 'relationship anxiety styles' every couple should know about.

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We've all heard about our attachment styles in relationships. But did you know there are also different types of anxiety that we bring to our relationships?

According to relationship expert Georgie Collinson, author of Master Your Relationship Anxiety, understanding these different anxiety styles could be the key to creating healthier, more secure partnerships.

Watch: How your body can reject relationships. Post continues below.

"Relationship anxiety occurs because we have such a need for connection that if we are not with someone that feels safe, we will feel it," she said.

"Relationships are so fundamental to us that we're always going to have this alarm bell go off if something's not quite right in that connection."

Rather than viewing this anxiety as purely negative, Collinson explained that it can actually serve as a guide.

"Unless we're really in a safe partnership, where we're getting what we need and we've dealt with the parts of ourselves that aren't quite feeling safe to connect with people, that anxiety isn't a problem."

The four relationship anxiety styles.

1. Fear of loss or abandonment.

The first type, Collinson explained, is "the fear of loss or abandonment, which is where we are on some level, afraid that we might be left."

However, she noted that this fear can manifest even in secure relationships. "It can also come up when we're happily in a secure relationship, where we have this recurring thought of what if something happens to them," she said.

"Even when we know they're never going to leave me, they're never going to cheat on me. But we might think, what if they don't come home from work? What if they get sick?"

This type of anxiety, she explained, stems from the understanding that "anything can happen in life, and that's what anxiety is always on the lookout for: what unknown fear is going to come up."

2. Fear of rejection.

"Then we've got the fear of rejection, and that's where we're questioning. Have I got their approval? Am I good enough for them? What if I'm too needy?" Collinson said.

"We'll tend to put ourselves lower down in terms of our self-worth, and we'll put them way up high on a pedestal and always think that we've got to try and measure up, and maybe we'll formulate ideas in our minds about how perfect we need to be in order to be loved."

At its core, she explained, "it comes back to maybe I'm not really worthy of love."

3. Fear of being trapped in a bad situation.

"Then we've got the fear of being trapped in a bad situation, and this is where we've got this recurring worry that we're not with the right person for whatever reason it might be," Collinson said.

This can manifest as "expectations of perfection, or that we've actually got some red flags coming up that we're starting to think maybe this isn't quite the right place for me to be," she explained.

For single people, this might show up as fears of "what if I'm alone forever, or what if I'm too broken for healthy love."

4. Fear of identity loss.

"And the last one is the fear of identity loss, essentially, that I'm going to lose myself in this relationship," Collinson said.

People with this anxiety style "tend to constantly keep that partner at arm's length a bit. They need a lot of space. That's what they think. Maybe there's a lot of questioning that the other person is too codependent."

How to address each anxiety style.

For fear of loss and abandonment.

Collinson emphasised the importance of building internal security. "We've really got to look at creating a sense of certainty within ourselves and a sense of safety within because, yes, there is no certainty. Ultimately, in a relationship, to love is to risk," she said.

The key, she explained, is asking yourself: "Even if something happens to my partner, even if they did leave me, is there something I've got within myself that I can rely on?" This involves building "this sense of inner safety of a relationship with yourself, where you're kind to yourself and backing yourself."

For fear of rejection.

This anxiety style requires working on self-worth. "We're really looking at building our self-worth, and looking at where some of this started to happen to us, where we question our self-worth," Collinson said.

She suggested revisiting childhood criticisms and reframing them. "Instead of just accepting that, oh, everyone called me lazy, I must be lazy. Well, maybe it's actually useful to be lazy sometimes, because if we're not lazy ever, we're never going to have rest."

The goal is to "accept that you're a human being. You have flaws. That's okay. You have needs. That's okay... There's this lie that we all fall for, that we need to be somehow perfect to be loved."

For fear of being trapped.

When this fear arises, Collinson said it's important to examine our expectations. "We've painted a picture of the perfect fantasy of love stories in movies and TV shows," she said.

"We're shown that it has to be this passion all the time. We have to be super in love all the time. And if you're not, there's a problem."

She explained that fluctuating feelings are normal: "You can't have positive regard for anything constantly... Can you do that for yourself constantly? No, we all fluctuate with that. So it's the same as other relationships."

For fear of identity loss.

Collinson noted that while independence is valuable, excessive focus on it can be problematic. "If they glorify their independence too much, it might suggest that they're not really looking to merge their life with a partner," she said.

"If you're thinking 'I'm putting up with too much', or 'maybe I'd be happier with someone else'. This excessive need for independence and space can come with a cost.

"And that type of relationship anxiety, it can pull apart a perfectly beautiful connection, just from these deeper fears that are coming through." 

The importance of mutual work.

"At the end of the day, we have to do our own inner work," she said.

"If you're having a casual drink after work with your friends, and you're thinking, 'oh no, I've got to message my partner every 15 minutes so they know where I am and what I'm doing', then that becomes unhealthy for that partner as well."

However, she also noted the importance of recognising when anxiety is justified.

"It gets to a point where it's not about becoming fireproof with a fire-breathing dragon.

"With a fire-breathing dragon, we don't have to become fireproof if we're living with someone who is hurting us or consistently, feeding into the fears that we have.

"It's not necessarily on you to be okay with a situation and find a way to quieten the fear."

Understanding your relationship anxiety style isn't about eliminating anxiety altogether, but rather learning to work with it constructively to build the secure, loving connections we all deserve.

"It can actually guide us back to working through what we need to create these deeper connections and partnerships and ultimately feel more confident and safe in ourselves, in love."

You can find a copy of Georgie Collinson's book 'Master Your Relationship Anxiety' and her first book, 'The Anxiety Reset Method' here, or find her on Instagram.

Feature Image: Getty.