'A lot of women regret being mothers, we’re just not allowed to talk about it.'

This article originally appeared on Medium.

I know so, so many women who regret having children.

Not one or two; maybe a third.

They aren't depressed or evil, they're just women who, on reflection, didn't enjoy being mothers, wouldn't choose to do it again, and don't feel a strong affinity for or liking of their children. Of course, they'll never admit that to anyone but their closest friends. Society despises women who lack a maternal instinct as much as it despises single men who want to adopt. To openly talk about disliking your children or motherhood is a huge taboo: leading to the illusion that motherhood makes all women happy.

There's loads of different reasons they don't like being mothers, so I wouldn't dismiss them as being unkind or selfish: some found being around their children all the time really boring and lonely.

Some found the constant crying and screaming that comes with children unbearable.

Some were disappointed by how rude, selfish, unaffectionate, unkind, and unloving children can be.

Some were overwhelmed by how much work they had to do with schooling, appointments, homework, vaccinations, tutoring and paperwork.

Others found the constant mess, head-lice, and diaper-changing disgusting.

Some found the behavioural disorders that their children had extremely stressful.

An awful lot found they just couldn't relate, like, or understand their children at all.

It just isn't the rosy baby-cuddling and sing-song picnics in the park surrounded by adoring cherubs. It's hard. It's really hard. I've said many times myself that I wouldn't have a child unless I could afford a nanny and childcare: it's just too much. I'm too impatient, emotional, and quick-tempered to be a good mother on no sleep and no break from a baby. That's just not fair to subject a child to. I have enormous respect for women who can do it.

We expect, as a society, that women will naturally become good mothers. That something will happen in their brains and suddenly they will be selfless, totally focused on their child, and incredibly in love with that little bundle of joy. Unfortunately, this is very much a myth. My mother was scared to touch me when I was born in case she hurt me. She was sure I was going to die and she couldn't quite believe she was a mother. I didn't, I was a very normal, healthy baby, but there wasn't that instant mother-mode. Many women report a deep feeling of guilt when they don't love or like their babies: but it really isn't unusual. Up to a third of women say it took several months to form a bond with their baby. Some women never feel particularly strongly about their children. It's just Hollywood and mass media that makes out that becoming a mother is a happy, joyous, immediate-connection situation. If that makes you indignant or angry: remember that you totally understand men not feeling instant devotion to a baby, or the role of Daddy. You understand men leaving because they realised that they don't want to be a dad. You get why men would try to avoid being in the house as much as possible with a newborn. We just don't like to admit that the same is totally true for women.

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"I don't ever want anything bad to happen to her," one friend told me in floods of tears, regarding her four year old daughter, "But I don't love her. I feel like her nanny. I don't want to look after her. I feel so stuck and trapped with her all the time, just constantly irritated and bored. I so, so want to like my poor little girl, but I don't like children. I feel like a monster." The guilt was so enormous she had to see a therapist. She realised she'd never really thought about what being a mother would involve, it was just the 'next step' with her husband. She felt a deep regret over bringing a child into the world, and a total lack of maternal instinct.

I think, realistically, we need to stop telling women that a child will make them happy, instantly fulfilled, and give them peace or self-esteem. It just isn't true. There are a lot of people out there who will openly tell you that their mother shouldn't have had children. They might love their mothers, they might even have had fairly normal childhoods, but they weren't loved. They weren't wanted. There was always resentment and dislike there. This is especially true of my friends who were born in the 50s, 60s, and 70s: they had an intelligent or socialite mother, who got trapped in a kitchen, bored out of her mind and totally under-stimulated with being a homemaker and childminder. The kind of woman who, very predictably and obviously, would be unhappy spending 24 hours a day with three toddlers. It just isn't something some women are cut out for. Some of us lack that homely, patient, cuddly maternal spirit.

I'm very happy with a niece on my knee, and I love cuddling my friend's babies: I would be distraught if I found out I was pregnant, though. I just couldn't handle the constant screaming of a newborn baby, day in, day out. I'm scared thinking about what I'd do if a baby started screaming and screaming next to me when I hadn't slept for two days. The idea makes me shiver. My strong belief that I'm not ready to have children is backed up by how angry and irritated I am by them misbehaving in public: the sound of a child throwing a tantrum, kicking, or shrieking is unbearable. I struggle to hide my contempt. I've got close to walking back off long-haul planes when I've discovered I'll be travelling with several under-5s next to me. I just can't do it. Whatever bit of my brain is meant to make me go 'aww, poor angel' just isn't there. I'm angry. I'm frustrated. I'm from the Victorian school of stern looks and strict punishment: I wasn't allowed to behave like that in public and gentle parenting baffles me. Of course, I understand bad parenting: I'd be a bad parent, if for the opposite reasons. I'd be a disciplinarian, cold, remote, and brutally honest. I don't want to be: I just know I'd be a bad mother. I'm bad with children when they behave like children. And that's not fair on them.

So I won't have any, until or unless I'm sure I can be unflinchingly selfless, kind, gentle, and warm. Until I know I will never lose my temper, shout, scream, or walk out on them. Until I can be sure I'm capable of looking after a child even if I do not like or love it. Until I know that I can be a good mother, no matter how much I regret it.

But can we stop pushing women to blindly walk into motherhood?

Even if you don't care about their regret and disappointment, don't you think all children should have mothers who want them?

For more from Madelaine Lucy Hanson, click here.

Feature image: Getty Images.