Sam and Emma love each other but don't know if it's enough for the future. Here's what a therapist says.

If you want to support independent women's media, become a Mamamia subscriber. Get an all-access pass to everything we make, including exclusive podcasts, articles, videos and our exercise app, MOVE.

Sam and Emma, two teachers raising a blended family, came to me facing a crossroads common to many long-term partners: is the love we have now enough for the future we envision?

With their four teenagers soon leaving home, the distraction of parenting was dissolving, forcing them to confront the fragile state of their connection beneath the busy routine.

The core dilemma was this: Sam, 50, feared Emma, 45, no longer enjoyed his company, while Emma felt increasingly lonely and unprioritised as Sam continually minimised their time together to pursue his passions.

Watch: This Is Why We Fight lets you listen in on real life therapy. Post continues after video.

The root problem: Neglected rituals and different priorities.

This disconnect wasn't rooted in malice, but in a slow drift fueled by different upbringings and a mutual decision to prioritise external demands, specifically Sam's career and personal hobbies, over their couplehood.

The generational blueprint

Sam recognised a profound parallel between his relationship patterns and those of his parents:

• Sam's father (the disconnected man): Sam's father was not an "invested person in a relationship," choosing golf and mates over quality couple time. This resulted in Sam's mother feeling unfulfilled.

• Sam's pattern: Sam repeated this pattern, excelling in his job and individual hobbies (like golf), which were easily scheduled, while the couple's time was treated as "an afterthought". He often minimised the impact of choosing other commitments, thinking, "surely me doing this... she won't leave me".

The toll on Emma

Emma, who had seen Sam's mother sacrifice her needs, was terrified of repeating that life. Her initial response to the disconnection was to emotionally withdraw, rather than raise the issue.

She stopped expressing her needs, deciding it was easier "to not have needs and then be let down".

This created a destructive cycle where Sam felt permitted to continue neglecting the relationship because Emma had stopped communicating her needs.

The therapeutic solution: Actionable rituals and core whys.

The goal was to get Sam to actively prioritise the relationship and get Emma to comfortably and clearly voice her needs without feeling guilt.

The homework for action

I assigned highly specific homework aimed at creating new routines and rituals to reconnect them.

1. Emma's homework (stating needs): Emma needed to list her specific, non-filtered needs (beyond vague requests like "I want to go out more" ). She needed to push through the discomfort of feeling like she was being "pushy" or "controlling" to clearly tell Sam what would make her feel appreciated, considered, and secure. Her primary need was security, trusting that if things weren't right, Sam would address them.

2. Sam's homework (action and why): Sam needed to create a tangible, non-negotiable schedule of couple activities and reflect on his "Whys".

• Action points: Sam committed to concrete steps like: a morning walk three times a week, coming home before 5 pm twice a week, a mid-week dinner/drink out fortnightly, and undertaking a joint "team project" (like painting a room) once a month.

• The why: Sam needed to explicitly connect these actions to the bigger picture, such as building stronger teamwork and communication to prevent a future divorce. The "Why" serves as a mental guardrail, reminding him why he needs to say "no" to distractions in the moment.

Listen to the full podcast episode with Sam and Emma here. Post continues after audio.

The power of intentional connection

The key to preventing the relationship from being destroyed by distractions is establishing rituals of connection.

• These rituals don't need to be grand; Sam and Emma found joy in small acts like walks and domestic projects. The physical affection remained strong.

• The ritual itself serves as a designated, untouchable priority, insulating the relationship from external stress.

• I stressed the value of a weekly check-in. This intentional, regular conversation creates a space to air small grievances before they accumulate into major resentment, reinforce positive connection, and ensure both partners are aware of what's happening in each other's worlds.

Sam and Emma's future hinges on replacing old patterns of neglect and withdrawal with new routines of intentional prioritisation. By focusing on consistency and clearly communicating their needs, they have built the tools they need to ensure their love remains enough for the years ahead.

Feature Image: Supplied.