"The Love Actually sequel sucks. There, I said it."

Spoiler alert: Look, I’m about to shred the so-called Love Actually sequel, so if you haven’t seen it — and want to — perhaps look away now.

Twelve minutes. That’s all it took to destroy the memory of one of the most-loved romantic films of all time.

And for what? Well, to raise more than $115 million for charity, which is obviously lovely and noble, but makes this ‘film’ no more tolerable.

To be clear, I’m not one of Love Actually‘s biggest fans. I do, however, get a little kick out of watching it every year at Christmas time when nostalgia is running high, or if I’m totally knackered and just want to watch sentimental British people doing love or whatever — with the added bonus of seeing the birth of Christ attended by tiny octopi.

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When I heard about the Red Nose Day-themed reboot I wasn’t thrilled. For one, a sequel would have to account for the loss of Alan Rickman and, while I’m a feelings-full sod, this seemed like too much to cope with. I also think sequels should be outlawed because they are almost invariably utter dross.

Regrettably, curiosity got the better of me.

Red Nose Day Actually sucks. Actually. Like, it’s Year Nine end-of-year media project bad.

The script is awful. The performances are as forced as Amber Heard and Johnny Depp apologising for smuggling Pistol and Boo into Australia, and the gags are as tired as a democratic system that allows Hugh Grant to be Prime Minister for THIRTEEN YEARS.

Remember this guy?

Well, he's back. Mark is back. And he's still the same overzealous creep who felt entitled to film his best friend's wife on their wedding day before showing up at their home and propositioning her with sleazy placards. He has a beard now.

He's also married to Kate Moss, apparently, which he decided to announce in a second unsolicited visit more than a decade later. It also seems an entirely inappropriate reward for someone who is two steps away from being a sex offender.

Anyway, aside from continuing to ignore the the rules of NORMAL HUMAN DECENCY, he also breaks the fourth wall and asks the audience if they want to see what the rest of their friends have been up to, which of course they do because nobody ever wants to see Mark's face again.

Enter: Hugh Grant's tush.

As it turns out it, his aging buttocks are STILL in charge of the United Kingdom and undoubtedly solely to blame for Brexit. They dance to Drake's Hotline Bling because it's 2017 and I've never been less compelled to laugh in my entire life. Excuse the hyperbole.

Speaking of ageing, Bill Nighy also returns as the Keith Richards-esque rock star we know and love. He has a new charity single and some sad news about his manager Joe, who is dead — as if this whole thing needed to be more depressing.

But wait. STOP PRESS. Here's some good news!

Colin Firth's character Jamie has somehow managed to maintain his penchant for turtlenecks and a relationship with his partner Aurelia, despite having never bothered to use her native tongue, Portuguese, in 13 years.

Thankfully, Aurelia (Lúcia Moniz) now speaks perfect English and is pregnant with the couple's fourth child who will likely be as bilingual as its siblings.

Good one, Jamie. Moving on.

Laura Linney, Emma Thompson, those loveable porn stars and Kris Marshall, a.k.a. Colin Frissell, are all notably absent.

But Rowan Atkinson does reprise his role from the original — along with his one joke — as the department store worker who takes forever to wrap gifts. He takes longer than EVER to wrap a gift and mispronounces yogurt "yog-ert". Hilarious.

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And finally, Liam Neeson returns as Daniel along with his on-screen stepson Sam (Thomas Brodie-Sangster), who got whacked over the head by puberty and grew some questionable facial hair in the process.

He and his stepdad have inexplicably not spoken in years, which seems odd, actually.

Sam's now dating his primary school sweetheart Joanna (Olivia Olsen), which is pretty cute but won't save this trainwreck of a film.

I wanted to like it, I really did, but a couple of warm fuzzies and millions for Comic Relief was not enough to get me over the line.

All I got was 12 minutes of disappointment.

What did you think of the Love Actually reunion special?