What mums are really thinking about when they talk to kids.

Before kids I was always so amazed by mums. They seemed to have it all together. Sure, they would tell their kids off, but they seemed to have everything so in control. They had their mummy sh*t together.

I’m almost at the 10-month mark of being a mum. Let me tell you, what happens on the outside is a very different world to what happens on the inside.

Listen: Holly Wainwright and Andrew Daddo ask their kids to give them a performance review, on This Glorious Mess. Post continues after audio…

While I may say one thing to my 10 month old as I find her drenched in water from the dog bowl, what I’m thinking… well, it isn’t very appropriate for a 10 month old.

I’m sure I’m not the only one. I’m sure I’m not the only one who says the following things (to my daughter and my nieces) but thinks something entirely different. (Warning: it wouldn’t be the truth if there weren’t a few F bombs coming.)

"What I’m thinking… well, it isn’t very appropriate for a 10 month old." Image: supplied.

“What’s wrong, sweetheart?” (said at 3am).

Just close your eyes. It’s not rocket science. Anyone can sleep. Even you.

“I’m counting to five…”

Let’s be honest. I have no idea what happens when I reach five, I just hope the number five scares the living daylights out of you and you do whatever I’ve asked you to do for the past 20 minutes.

“Yummy, yummy, foodie.”

The recipe said babies LOVED this puree. I bought the ingredients. Organic. I peeled, chopped and steamed. I pureed, I froze, I defrosted. Eat the God damn food kid. It’s yummy. See, I’ll taste it. Oh my God, what is this sh*t?

“No, not the dog’s food.”

So you’ll eat the dog’s food but not the sh*t I cook like a slave for you?

Trouble makers. Image: iStock.

“That’s so interesting.”

Honestly, when you told me you had a story to tell me, I zoned out and started thinking about what’s in my online shopping cart.

“Oh my God, did you just eat the dog’s poo?”

Let’s keep this between the two of us.

“Guess what? We get to have a special dinner tonight because you are such a good little chicken.”

Please don’t tell anyone I gave you baked beans on stale bread for dinner.

“Fine, have a tantrum, I don’t care.”

Oh for f*ck sake, everyone in the grocery store is looking. Okay, I’ll pick you up. And buy you the toy. Yes, and the chocolate.

A familiar sight. Image: iStock.

“What a lovely, lovely drawing. Yes, I’ll definitely put it on the fridge.”

Great, now I have a drawing of a dog that looks like a penis with legs on my fridge.

“Is that funny?”

Please don’t cry. Please don’t whinge. Just keep laughing.

“Yay, you’re crawling.”

Finally, you’re crawling. I’m not a complete failure as a mother. I have to film this. I’m so glad you’re crawling. You’re crawling. Oh f*ck you’re crawling and moving and I will never be able to sit still for the rest of my life. No, the power point isn’t a toy.

“Please leave the doggies alone, they just want to be by themselves at the moment.”

Run dogs. Run.

“Oh no, you’re teething.”

F*ck my life.

Image via Giphy.

“Because I said so.”

Do not question the creator of life. (That’s me, kid.)

“Please don’t do that.”

Who cares. Just do it. It’s past 5pm, I no longer have enough energy to care.

“I just need you to play quietly for 5 minutes while mummy gets some stuff done.”

Like drink my wine. I mean tea. Drink my tea. My fermented grape tea.

“Goodnight.”

Please dear God, let it be a good night with deep, uninterrupted sleep.

Finally, just before you feel guilty for thinking all of the above, remember, we are trying our best and when we say I love you, we truly mean it. That’s what counts.

What can you add?