Real Housewives Of Sydney: Victoria says the one thing you just can't say about another woman.

Everyone is yelling.

All the time.

And we don’t know why. 

Last week, the women collectively ruined Matty’s Persian-themed party (which she bought one thousand dollars worth of caviar for) by calling each other fat/animals/Captain Eyebrows, etc. It was inappropriate if not entirely unnecessary.

Then, they resorted to arguing about who has the most traumatic past, which is a fight no one can ever win, because it’s not a fight any combination of human beings should have.

Listen to The Recap, the podcast to listen to after you’ve watched Real Housewives of Sydney. Post continues after audio. 

We begin tonight’s episode with Athena relaying the night to her husband, Panos, who is definitely thinking, “where the f*ck did you even find these people?” but also, “why do you keep going to their events?”

Somehow he manages to respond with a straight face and we’re not quite sure how.

He tells her to remember she has everything, which is sweet, until he lists “beauty… style…” and we think maybe that’s a bit of a shit compliment.

Over in Double Bay, Victoria is having lunch with the co-owner of Wrinkles Schminkles (which we still maintain sounds made up), as well as representatives from the Victor Chang Institute and hair stylist Joh Bailey.

How the Victor Chang Institute is in any way related to Wrinkles Schminkles is never discussed let alone resolved, but raising money for charity is the most human thing any of these women have done all season so we're very much going with it.

Meanwhile, at Lisa Oldfield's house, she's wearing a python and that's okay. She's having friends over, you see.

Melissa, Athena and Matty come over just to chill, and they're dressed more formally than we have in literally our entire lives.

Lisa keeps talking about how she's part of the cult of Thermomix, and we're too poor to even fully understand what a Thermomix is.

The women go to explore Lisa's acreage, and luckily Melissa brought a change of shoes like we often do when we casually drop into a mates place. She replaces her stilettos with metallic gum boots.

Lisa's two kids are outside playing, and she reminds everyone it's a positive thing because kids these days are often glued to their devices. Matty is so overcome by Lisa's incredible insight into modern life that she nearly falls over, while wailing "IT'S TRUE." This is a learning moment for all of us.

Melissa then starts yelling about how Berty is holding an axe and all the women are half laughing, half genuinely hyperventilating.

Nah but in all seriousness a pre schooler probs shouldn't be running around with an axe. Someone needs to contain him.

Matty decides to give the axe a go in her Gucci boots but she breaks a nail and starts screaming. It's at this point we realise that Matty only communicates via yelling. She only speaks in yells.

Meanwhile, Victoria, Nicole and Krissy are very busy on Nicole's boat sailing through the harbour.

"It's beautiful when you do Europe, the South of France... we've docked at St Tropez, Mykonos, Croatia..." Nicole recollects in an accent that is at least 25 per cent more British than usual. We're also reminded of how we'd rather wield Lisa's axe deep into our foot than hear a list of places where someone has travelled to.

For three women sitting on a boat in Sydney Harbour, they don't look very happy, which seems to be a common theme.

"I felt so bad for Matty," Nicole says, pretending she regrets standing on top of her chair and yelling "MY RING IS EIGHT CAROTS. EIGHT."

She shakes her head and says "... to have been comparing diamonds is just so low class". Ah, yes. Like when the common people approach each other and say "SPEAK TO MY TWO CAROT DIAMOND YOU BITCH," while another responds "MINE'S THREE". Eugh... it's just such a poor thing to do.

Nicole says that she feels awful about what happened to Athena, and Victoria says, "I don't even know if I believe her."

Oh, um.

Pause.

You can't just accuse another woman of lying about being abused as a child. 

"If I had something like that that had happened to me in my life I wouldn't choose to tell a group of seven women screaming over a table," Victoria continues. "Everything's for attention... look at me... listen to me."

"Matty was in a war," she says, "and she's not screaming and yelling at people."

This... we cannot.

Sometimes it's like we're watching a Year One class at recess, except, tbh, kids have more compassion and/or reasoning.

Victoria announces that she won't be inviting Athena to her Wrinkles Schminkles launch, which is awkward, because she's already asked her to donate a piece of jewelry to be auctioned.

"I can't have her ruin it," she shrugs. Which would be a fair enough comment/decision, except that it's not at all.

As Victoria's preparing for her launch/charity event (it's not clear), Athena X's brother-in-law arrives to donate the Levendi necklace. He asks Victoria why she uninvited Athena, which is 100 per cent a question he came up with spontaneously and not something the producers forced him to ask, and she responds that Athena wasn't uninvited, because "she was never invited in the first place".

Lovely.

Victoria semi-snatches the necklace, which is meant to be worth $3,500, and then comments on how rude she thought that man was - the one who came and donated an expensive necklace for an auction his family is explicitly not invited to. 

As a side note - Victoria cannot pronounce Levendi, and continues to pronounce it 'Lavendi,' literally just to spite Athena.

SHHHH ATHENA JUST DISCOVERED SHE'S UNINVITED PLS.

Athena calls Lisa at work, and while admiring her nails Lisa says "Yeah, work's great, I just closed a major deal," which sounds like something a producer told her to say.

Athena explains she's been uninvited to the Wrinkles Schminkles launch and no matter how many times we type the name of this brand, it still sounds like a fake.

Lisa decides to plot revenge because she's a little bit definitely evil and owns a pet snake named Shelley. How can you plot revenge when you're not going to be in attendance? Surely you can't ruin a party when you're not even...

Oh.

So a person named Lizzie Buttrose exists - niece of Ita Buttrose - and she has literally been sent by Lisa to stir sh*t.

It's the night of the launch/charity event and Lizzie approaches the housewives and sticks an Instagram photo of Athena and Lisa in their faces. It may very well be the funniest thing that's ever happened.

Putting aside her behaviour, the housewives are mostly concerned about Lizzie's hair.

Cool.

OH IT'S TIME FOR THE AUCTION.

Joh Bailey has had too much to drink (umm, who hasn't) and literally introduces the Levendi necklace by saying Victoria hates Athena. He then starts describing the piece of jewellery as a "dear little heart with a dear little diamond in it," and continues to refer to the necklace as a "tiny little thing" throughout the entire auction.

He starts bidding at $50, and eventually gets $1,500.

How funny is it when your personal vendetta against someone actually directly impacts how much money gets donated to charity.

HA-HA. CLASSIC.

As the ladies debrief, Melissa explains she's going to Singapore, and extends an invitation to her friends.

WHAT KIND OF PERSON WITH KIDS AND A BUSY LIFE AND ALSO A HOUSE AND A JOB AND/OR BUSINESS CAN JUST PICK UP AND LEAVE FOR SINGAPORE AT A MOMENT'S NOTICE, MELISSA?

All of them, apparently.

Until next week!

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