'I found what I thought was 'rough sex' porn on my boyfriend's phone. Then I kept watching.'

This story includes descriptions of sexual assault that may be distressing to some readers.

At first my mind doesn’t comprehend what it’s seeing. 

I'm looking at some porn on my boyfriend's phone, just curious about which videos appeal to him. Admittedly, there is an element of self harm here, of wanting to stumble across a gorgeous blonde with a tiny waist and huge tits to justify my negative self-image.

OK, he’s into rough sex, I figure. Sometimes I am too!

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But as I fast forward through the clip, tears stream down the actress’s face as she begs the man to stop.

Is she even acting..? Each woman in the compilation looks as distressed as the next. 

I note that my boyfriend has downloaded two of these videos onto his phone. I imagine him masturbating to this type of content and I feel sick. 

I confront him.

My boyfriend swears he couldn’t watch the videos, that he’d tried but couldn’t go through with it. Had just forgotten to delete them. He’s not angry that I found them and doesn’t try to defend himself. I can tell he’s ashamed. 

He admits to downloading them because he was angry with me.

I choose to believe my kind, sensitive, gentle boyfriend didn’t watch those ugly videos.

He went through some really bad stuff as a child. I can't blame him for having some unsavoury ideas around sex. 

He promises nothing like this will ever happen again. 

I tell myself it is my fault he downloaded the videos ‒ if only I wasn’t such hard work, he wouldn’t need some place to direct his anger. 

In a tightly sealed box in the back of my mind is the fear my boyfriend fantasises about doing those things to me.

That woman’s tears are seared onto my brain.

Back then I tolerated porn in my relationships. Society gaslights women into believing that all men watch porn, that we’re controlling and insecure for having boundaries. I’m not saying that porn is necessarily wrong, but I’m saying that within my friend circle, a lot of us feel pressured to be okay with it.

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I’m in my thirties now and finally ready to say it loud and clear: I’m done with porn. Romantic porn, leathery porn, pornstar porn, “teenage” porn, ethical porn… It has no place in my life.

When I look back on that time, I believe my boyfriend when he said he couldn’t bring himself to watch those videos. I need to believe it so I can sleep at night. He had his own demons to deal with and has since found God. I hope he’s finally found peace.

If this has raised any issues for you, or if you just feel like you need to speak to someone, please call 1800 RESPECT (1800 737 732) – the national sexual assault, domestic and family violence counselling service.