'Five words from someone I trusted nearly broke me. Here's what I know now.'

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"Don't make it about you."

Those words rang in my ears during a conversation with a friend. Someone I trusted. Someone others looked up to and respected. They had power and influence in spaces I didn't, and I had always taken their feedback to heart.

They thought they were helping. I thought the same too, that's why I believed it.

But their comments overtime chipped away at my confidence subconsciously, and that's on me, because I allowed it.

I got where they were coming from: stay humble, make it about service. But the reality was it has always been about service. I wouldn't have started a charity for teenage girls to flourish if this was about me.

The sting of comments like this made me want to shrink. To hide. Because putting myself out there didn't feel safe if it only invited more judgement. And what hurt most was that these words weren't just from strangers. They came from people I called friends.

Watch: A unique insight into growing up as a mixed-race Australian. Post continues below.

Leading with softness and the "kind girl" trap. .

I am a young woman of colour who leads with softness. That means people make assumptions that I'm not "strong enough," that I'm "too emotional," or that I won't cope with pressure.

The truth? I am sensitive. And I don't see that as a weakness.

Sensitivity means I have a big heart and the courage to feel what's real.

In leadership, softness, joy and sensitivity often get misread as incompetence. People tend to fall into this binary where if you are soft, you aren't strategic or smart.

But I've also been a chronic people-pleaser most of my life. It's scary to take up space when you know your words might trigger others.

I used to think, "better to stay quiet than risk upsetting someone." But kindness without boundaries isn't kindness, it's self-betrayal. And I did this — a lot.

I believe kindness is one of my highest values, but I've learnt it must extend to me too. People may assume that because I'm kind, I'll forgive and forget.

And for the most part, I do. We are all human after all. But when the same pattern keeps repeating, when actions don't match words, I can't just forget.

That's when I need to pivot.

I feel deeply, I reflect, and I act intentionally, always in a way that allows me to embody kindness for myself first. It also means accepting that some people won't like me. But protecting my peace, my trust, and my safety has to come first.

The words of wisdom that never left me.

A close friend, someone who feels like a brother, and who is also a person of colour once told me, "show, don't tell."

He supported me in the trenches of a really hard chapter in my life, and those words of wisdom have never left me.

For years, I was desperate for people to see me for who I am. But proving others wrong felt like playing a game I didn't want to play (even though my ego wanted to play that game so badly!)

So I changed it. I decided to show myself what I was capable of. And as I sat with the pain of being underestimated, I had to face the mirror and ask: was I underestimating myself too?

Image: Instagram/@ashanidante.

I've always been a hard worker, and that comes from my lineage. My parents chose to leave their home country and migrate to Australia so my sister and I could have a bright future. My widowed grandmother raised three kids alone during the civil war in Sri Lanka. I realised I carry the strength of both the men and women in my family who endured far more than I can imagine.

And I wanted to do it not just for me, but for little Ashani and for every young woman of colour still searching for representation in spaces that weren't built for us. This was my guiding light when things got hard and I wanted to give up. 

It's also about giving space for your softness. When you're sensitive and conflict arises, it's vital to ramp up your self-care, journal, soak in a bath, take care of your body. You also need to set stronger boundaries and be really mindful of who you open up to when you're feeling raw. And if responsibilities as a leader mean you still have to show up, focus on the main tasks that truly matter and lean on your team where you can.

Do what you can with the capacity you have, and allow yourself to be still in your emotions rather than pushing through them.

The red flag to watch out for.

If you're constantly in situations where you feel you have to prove yourself, that's a red flag. Not just about them, but about us too. It's an invitation to ask: why do I care so much what this person thinks of me?

If you're in dynamics where you feel like you're tiptoeing, second-guessing your words, sensing that undertone of judgement, that's a red flag.

And if you're in dynamics where people with more power or resources act like you owe them for the ways they've "helped" you, that's a red flag too. True support shouldn't come with strings attached.

One of the biggest lessons I've learnt through The Flourish Journey is this: you need people who nourish you. A seed doesn't flourish without the right soil, sunlight, and water.

Who's your soil? Who's your sun?

Find people who uplift you, challenge you lovingly, and celebrate your wins. And learn to become your own cheerleader, because people cannot always be there when you need them. You have to be able to have your back too.

Having allies in spaces where I often felt alone has been life-changing. Sometimes they were women who didn't look like me, and sometimes men. But knowing who's in your corner makes all the difference.

Listen: How to stop people pleasing for good. Post continues below.

Taking responsibility

Being underestimated is painful, but it's been a constant initiation for me to look inward and check if there's blind spots for me to own up to. I realised I often handed over my power because I wanted to be liked and seen.

I stepped over my own boundaries, hoping for validation.

And here's the thing, I don't carry ill feelings towards the people who underestimated me. In fact, I thank them. Everyone serves a purpose, and their judgements and projections shaped me into the woman I choose to be, and the woman I choose never to be again.

A woman who will never give her power away to anyone or anything, and who is constantly on the journey of remembering who she has always been.

Taking up space

Taking up space will ruffle feathers. Not everyone will like it. And that's okay.

What matters is holding true to your values, protecting your peace, and staying grounded in your purpose. 

Circling back to that comment at the beginning don't make it about you, here's what I know now: I do need to make it about me. Because for so long, women like me haven't been able to. And if I don't make it about me, then how will others be able to see themselves in me, and see what's possible for them too?

Making it about me was never just about me. It's about showing what's possible for all of us.

Feature Image: Instagram/@ashanidante