For his glorious service to racist gaffes and crankiness, the PM dubs Prince Phillip a Knight.

Like so many Australians and, I suspect, more than a few Brits, woke this morning and wondered if they’d slept in … right through to April 1. But no, it’s January 26, Australia Day and Prime Minister Tony Abbott has made Prince Philip a Knight Of The Order Of Australia. Arise Sir Phil.

The whole thing is ridiculous and embarrassing and sad. Bringing back Knights and Dames last year was a bit cringy, in my opinion, but I couldn’t have imagined this.

Why is our Prime Minister bestowing an honour on someone who probably doesn’t want it and certainly doesn’t deserve it? If Mr Abbott was looking for gaffe-prone cranky old men to honour, we have heaps of our own down here. I’m personally related to many and would happily furnish him with a list of names.

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I bet even Prince Phillip was shocked when he was notified of his newest title. Here’s how I imagine the conversation went down at Buckingham Palace last night (or maybe Windsor, seeing it was a weekend)?

Prince Philip: Darling! Darling! Someone’s sent me a letter. Air Mail. And I can’t find my spectacles, dammit.

QEII: Oh, bring it here. It’s not long is it? I’m watching, ‘Escape To The Country.’ Can you believe what they’re asking for this barn conversion in Aberdeenshire? I’m so glad Great Nana Vicki bought Balmoral when she did, aren’t you? Even we’d struggle to buy there now.

PP: Yes, but this letter. Who the Dickens is Tony Abbott?

QEII: He’s the Prime Minister of Australia.

PP: I thought he got done years ago. He’s on the corporate public speaking circuit isn’t he?

QEII: You’re thinking of Tony Blair, pet. This is from Tony Abbott. He’s ended up Prime Minister after all that unpleasantness down there.

PP: I know the one. He’s all right. Went to Oxford. Goes to church, wrong church, but still …

QEII: Well, it seems he’s making you a Knight.

PP: What?

QEII: A Knight. He’s reintroduced their own brand of Australian Knights and Dames, which seems silly but I suppose it’s rather quaint. (Returns attention to telly) Gosh, I wonder if this gormless couple will go for the mystery property? They could do something with that potting shed …

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PP: But why would I want to be Sir Phillip? I’m already His Royal Highness The Prince Philip! I’m also Duke of Edinburgh, Earl of Merioneth, and Baron Greenwich. I’m already a Royal Knight of the Most Noble Order of the Garter, and an Extra Knight of the Most Ancient and Most Noble Order of the Thistle. I’m Grand Master and First and Principal Knight Grand Cross of the Most Excellent Order of the British Empire and a hundred other bloody things I can’t even remember.

QEII: The only thing you haven’t been made is Lord Of The Rings (laughs).

PP: That would be rather fun. Could you sort that?

QEII: Probably, but people might think I was taking the piss and I don’t want to get everyone offside after all the grandkids are doing to make us beloved again. Also, Andrew …

PP: Yes. Quite. But Australia! They won’t expect me to go there will they? I’m too old and they take everything I say the wrong way. They’ve gone all politically correct.

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QEII: We’ll just say you’re not up to travelling and possibly send Harry. Or Zara! Zara goes all the time – Gerry Harvey even pays her airfare. We’ll get her to pass on your thanks and say how thrilled and honoured you are, blahdy blahdy blah.

PP: All right. It’s very odd though. You’d think they’d have dozens of people down there worth knighting.

QEII: They do! I’ve met them! But whatevs. Darling, where’s the remote? Time for Graham Norton.

What do you think of Prince Philip’s Australian knighthood?