After five pregnancy losses, Claire safely reached 12 weeks. One thing left her unable to enjoy it.

When Claire Brett woke up the morning after giving birth to her first baby, she immediately thought: I'd do that again. 

"I loved every second of it," she says. She felt the same way about first time motherhood. 

"I actually really enjoyed all the moments of motherhood. The newborn stage for me is my favourite; even with the lack of sleep, it was truly the most magical time for me."

About 18 months later, Claire and her husband decided to try for baby number two. 

"I was really excited to start trying again," she says.

Watch: Jessie opens up about her battle with anxiety and depression on No Filter podcast. Article continues after the video.

"Growing up, I always dreamed of having a family and I was really looking forward to giving my son a brother or sister." 

Like all women, Claire was conscious of the possibility of miscarriage, but after falling pregnant so quickly, and enjoying a problem-free pregnancy, those thoughts were few and far between. 

"Because this was my second pregnancy and I had seen the process all before, I told my husband not to worry about coming to the first scan with me," says Claire. 

At eight weeks pregnant, Claire had no reason for concern. 

"I sat on the scanning bed at my local hospital," she says. 

"I knew the sonographer and his assistant, so I made a few jokes and talked to them about what I had been up to while the scan took place."

Then, things became quiet, and Claire's heart sank. 

"I could tell something was wrong. It got awkward so I asked, 'Is it in there?',  and the reply was, 'I think you are in the early stages of having a miscarriage'. 

"He went on to say I had the gestational sac but nothing was in it — no baby and no heartbeat — nothing."

As soon as she got to her car, Claire burst into tears and called her husband. 

"I felt stupid for going to the appointment by myself but I felt really, really sad that I actually didn't have a baby inside me anymore. 

"It was so confusing that only hours before, I had this active dialogue talking to this baby internally, and then the next, it was silent. 

"Those steps from the scanning room to my car changed me forever."

A further three weeks passed before Claire underwent a D&C, despite having no signs or symptoms of miscarriage. During that time, her mental health declined. 

"After my operation I felt really sad when I woke up and it all honestly felt like a bad dream. I just wanted to go home, cry and sleep."

"This is where my anxieties started."

About three months later, they started trying for a second child. Again, she fell pregnant quickly, but again, the pregnancy resulted in miscarriage. 

"I soon found out that I could fall pregnant easily, but I wasn't having much luck keeping them. I ended up having four chemical pregnancies over a nine-month period."

A chemical pregnancy is an early stage miscarriage that takes place in the first five weeks of pregnancy. 

"I could have not tested and waited to see if I missed my period. I would always think that the next month, I would wait to save myself the heartache, but I never could."

Claire started to believe she wouldn't be able to have any more children, and soon, anxiety began to take over her life. 

"My whole belief system was gone, my positive inner thoughts were gone, I longed for my innocence back. 

"Every time I saw a positive test I braced myself for getting my period — which kept happening. 

"I could feel myself starting to lose control of my thoughts and feelings."

By the time Christmas came around, six months after the first misscarriage, Claire had endured the loss of four pregnancies, and was about to lose another. 

"I knew what depression felt like, I knew what anxiety felt like, and I knew what sadness felt like. But this was different," she says.

"I felt really out of control of my emotions and thoughts. I had to still get up and be there for my son, go to work and be there for my husband, but I found myself crying a lot. 

"Night time was the worst. I'd go to bed early, telling my husband I was just tired. Really, I just wanted to lay in bed and cry alone. I could feel the heaviness in my body."

After seeking help, Claire was diagnosed with PTSD and extreme, intense anxiety. 

"My anxiety felt debilitating."

Eventually Claire fell pregnant again, only this time, the six week scan revealed a heartbeat. 

"I was classed as a high-risk pregnancy. I had tested positive for forming small blood clots which could have been the cause for me having so many miscarriages. So (for this pregnancy), I was medicated for thinning my blood."

Claire was anxious, but hoped that if she made it to 12 weeks, her anxiety would disappear and she could enjoy her pregnancy. That never happened. Instead, she fell into a well of perinatal depression and anxiety (PNDA)

"I cried every day of my pregnancy," she says. 

"My anxiety felt debilitating, I felt totally out of control of my thoughts, there was zero rational thinking and I felt extremely sad.

"I was scared, I felt angry towards myself that I was finally pregnant and all I did was cry. I felt guilty as I still had my son to look after but couldn't find ways to be my happy self. 

On several occasions, Claire experienced extreme panic attacks, leaving her petrified that her body would not be able to keep her baby alive. 

"I remember being so petrified, beyond scared that something was wrong with the baby.

"Every scan I had to have scared the life out of me. I started to believe that my anxieties were my intuitions and my mind would have me believe that everything I was thinking would be true."

After experiencing light bleeding at around seven weeks, going to the toilet became terrifying. 

"My anxiety became so overwhelming, I was afraid to go to the bathroom." 

"Two healthy little boys."

Ultimately, Claire gave birth to a second son. Slowly, she healed by trying to help others who were experiencing anxiety or depression relating to pregnancy loss. 

"I don't think it is something I will ever truly recover from, when my life was so deeply impacted by it all, but I try to use my time now to help others," she says. 

"I would make candles and sell them in memory of the babies they have lost."

With the money she raised making candles, Claire created an online community of women, for whom she would help fund services such as therapists, midwifes or other professionals to support them. 

"In the two years I made candles, I was able to raise over $6,000. In February this year I held a fundraiser Trivia Night in Armidale and raised just over $15,000."

Earlier this year, Claire joined pregnancy loss support group Pink Elephants as its Regional and Rural Ambassador. She says being able to connect with other women who have had similar experiences is extremely powerful. 

It is estimated that PNDA will affect almost 100,000 parents each year.

Dr Yvonne Luxford, CEO of Perinatal Wellbeing Centre, says that it is crucial that potential, expectant, and new parents have access to a diverse range of supports, so that they can receive care at any point of their journey. 

"Perinatal mental health challenges can affect any parent, and each experience is unique," she says. 

The Perinatal Mental Health Support Finder connects parents with resources and services that address their specific needs.

"They bring together all sorts of organisations and communities to spread awareness and connect with those who need it," says Claire. 

"External support is incredibly important for navigating the emotional challenges following a miscarriage.

"If I had known more about online support networks like Pink Elephants, I would have sought help through an organisation like them. 

"I loved my children before they were even a thought, and I think this is true for many other women, and men too. 

"For me, the second I saw those positive tests I saw my baby running around playing with their brother. I think this is sometimes why it is so hard to overcome a miscarriage because it's not just two lines — I just lost my baby."

That's why external support is so critical to the healing process. 

"You are not alone in your sadness. Getting help with your emotional and mental health will only empower you more, validate your feelings and make you feel less alone."

Feature image: supplied.