"What it's really like to have a pregnancy craving."

I’d like one cake in each flavour, thank you. (Source: Supplied.)

Don’t be fooled: there is nothing cute about having a pregnancy craving. On TV and in the movies, pregnant characters always have the most adorable, amusing food cravings. A handful of M&Ms here, a pickle with icecream there, all nibbled in feminine delight.

Sorry to break it to you, but pregnancy cravings are nothing like that. At all. When I’m pregnant, NOTHING will stand in the way between me and the food I crave. I’m like a monster. I’ll move heaven and earth – angrily, too – until I have that chosen food in my belly.

If you’ve never experienced one first-hand, here’s what it’s really like to have a pregnancy craving.

You will threaten the people you love

When I was pregnant with my daughter back in 2013, I actually threatened to kill my husband if he didn’t make me apricot chicken.

It was 10pm on Good Friday and all the shops were closed. I NEEDED to eat apricot chicken, preferably made from scratch, and I didn’t have the three ingredients that you need to make it (chicken, tinned apricots and powdered French onion soup – classy).

My husband kept offering to do “anything” for me during that first pregnancy (what a chump), so I decided to finally take him up on his offer. Here’s how the conversation went:

Carla: "Can you please make me some apricot chicken? I really, really want to eat it."

Jeff: "What?! None of the shops are open and I can’t cook. I can buy you some KFC, if you want."

Carla: "KFC IS NOT THE SAME. It has to be apricot chicken."

Jeff: "I’m really sorry but I can’t help you, babe."

Carla: "MAKE ME APRICOT CHICKEN, OR I’LL KILL YOU. I’ll kill you!"

Somehow, he’s still alive? I guess I did need him around to help me make another baby, so there’s that.

Did you know about these bizarre pregnancy symptoms? (Post continues after video.)

Having eyes and ears is torture, because it just makes you more hungry.

Here’s the problem: if I even glance at a certain type of food while pregnant, I’ll start craving it.  Take my current obsession with Crunchy Nut cereal — I happened to walk past some boxes of it while getting the groceries one day, and it was like I’d locked eyes with Medusa. I was entranced and obsessed.  My stomach turned to stone after eating two boxes of it per week. It’s the same if I overhear a conversation about food — if I see it or hear about it, I have to eat it. Pass the blindfold and earplugs, please.

You will always have time for what you truly love.

You know how there are some friends you will always have time for because you love them so much? Food is your new friend. It doesn’t matter how tired or busy I am, I will always have time to buy or make my latest craving.

At the moment, I’m in the middle of moving house while looking after my toddler and working. It goes without saying that I’m busy. While I might not have time to catch up on sleep, I somehow managed to make two batches of scones in one weekend because I wanted to eat them so badly.

Your body will crave what it doesn’t need.

A woman once told me, “When I was pregnant, I just craved bags and bags of oranges. It’s what my body just needed!” I hated her immediately because she was so full of vitamins and smugness. Why is it that all of my cravings are for the worst food? Like frozen cheesecakes made from unpronounceable ingredients and assembled by robots?

I’m supposed to be nourishing my unborn baby but I just can’t stop stuffing my face with fried, oily stuff. All I can say is: thank goodness for pre-natal vitamins.

The food needs to be there… or else.

Many people think pregnancy cravings are all about immediacy. While this is often the case, it is also very important for me to know that I have certain foods within my reach, just in case I need them. And I will need them. One example is ice cream: I must have at least one bowl’s worth of vanilla ice cream in my home, available to me 24/7, or else. I made the horrific discovery the other day that Jeff had eaten all of our ice cream, except for a teeny-tiny smudge of it in the corner of the tub. It was about the size of three small ants (not bull ants, but those neurotic mini black ants). And all of the Ice Magic was gone.

“What kind of a PSYCHO eats a pregnant woman’s icecream?” I roared, as Jeff fled the house to buy more of it. (Post continues after gallery.)

Manners? Feelings? Who cares?

In case you haven’t noticed, I do not care about other people’s feelings when I have a food craving. Etiquette is also unimportant. Am I going to pretend to be all polite at dinner and coo, “Oooh, does anyone mind if I eat the last chicken wing?” Forget it, I’ve already eaten it and I’m licking my fingers.

I don’t care if you wanted it. IT BELONGS TO ME AND MY UNBORN CHILD.

The world stops turning until you can eat your craving.

“Now I can finally move on with my life,” I sighed as I finished my McDonald’s chocolate fudge sundae. It had taken me all day to maneuver my family into visiting the local McDonald’s. I’d suggested detours and strange timings and the delicious, cold, sweet goodness was finally in my mouth. I could continue on with whatever I was thinking of planning to do. Things were going to be okay.

Months later, you will look back at yourself and just not get it.

After I gave birth to my first daughter in late 2013, I thought back and was perplexed by my actions. “Why did I go so crazy over mini apple pies?” I wondered. “I must have been seriously lacking in self-control.”

I decided, in that moment of quiet rationality, that I would eat sensibly and healthily in my next pregnancy and definitely not buy mini apple pies again. The new, pregnant me in 2016 looks with pity and mirth at those resolutions, because I know these things to be true: nothing will get in the way of a pregnant woman and her cravings, and mini apple pies are still delicious. Especially with ice cream.

What's the craziest thing you've done for a food craving?