"I'm petrified of falling pregnant again."

July 19, 2015

“It’s the same thing that Lady Sybil died from, on Downton Abbey,” I explained to my friends, when they asked about my pre-eclampsia. I had pre-eclampsia during my first pregnancy, and I thought it was the worst pregnancy-related thing that could happen to me.

But now I know that there is something worse than having a pregnancy-related illness. And that’s losing a baby, or having a miscarriage.

When it happened to me, I was devastated and sadder than I’d ever been in my life. This surprised me, as I’m not some princess who’s had an easy life.

The shame, horror and misery of losing your own child eclipses everything. Even now, when I see or hear the word “miscarriage”, I feel a chill and my breath catches, as I recall my grief.

It’s been five months now since my miscarriage, and I want to have another baby. I have a three-year-old son, Jackson, and I’d love for him to have a little brother or sister. I loved growing up with lots of siblings, and so I’d always hoped to have more than one child.

I’ve already spoken to my obstetrician, and he’s given me the go-ahead to conceive another child. I’m healthy, and I’m so thankful to say that I can conceive easily. My husband is also keen to have another child.

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However, the memory of my miscarriage hovers over my future conception plans like a spectre, and stops me from moving forward. It comes down to this: after having a miscarriage, I’m scared to be pregnant again.

After I had Jackson, there were several other things which held me back from having another baby. I wanted to get my body back in shape, and I was enjoying my new job. Eventually, I felt that I was ready for another baby, which is when we conceived and then lost our second baby. (Post continues after gallery.)

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And now, when I think about having another baby, it’s not my career, body image or concern about recurring pre-eclampsia that’s stopping me. It’s the fear of experiencing pregnancy loss.

The early stages of pregnancy are a total mindfuck. You don’t look any different, but everything feels completely changed.

Obviously, there’s the morning sickness, the sore boobs, the non-existent libido. But even more significant is the altered attitude. Suddenly, it wasn’t just me going to work at my dream job – it was me and my unborn baby, who I’d affectionately nicknamed Bee.

This week as part of Never Forgotten: Mamamia’s Pregnancy Loss Awareness Week we’re remembering the babies we’ve lost. Post continues below.

My future imaginings changed, from daydreaming about what I would achieve at my new job, to planning where to fit Bee’s bassinet in our cramped apartment. I’d imagined a whole future with Bee, and he or she hadn’t even been born.

And as soon as I’d become used to the idea of being a mum to two, I learned that my baby’s heart had stopped beating. My obstetrician searched for the heartbeat, and sent me for an additional ultrasound. Nothing.

While my body still felt pregnant, I now had to readjust to thinking of my life without Bee. I was not pregnant. I was not going to have another baby for awhile. My body was empty, and the only soul inhabiting it was mine.

It’s taken me longer than I expected to feel okay again. Although pregnancy loss is physically painful and disruptive, I found the mental recovery the hardest.

In the first few weeks after losing Bee, I’d cry at anything. Without warning, I would be plunged into an abyss of sadness, and I wouldn’t know when I’d next get out.

pregnancy after miscarriage — 'I’d imagined a whole future with Bee, and he or she hadn’t even been born.' Image via iStock.

I eventually had to accept that my depression had resurfaced, and I asked my obstetrician for a prescription for Zoloft, which was the anti-depressant I used to take before falling pregnant. With prescription drugs, plus lots of self care and hard work, I began to feel better.

If I conceive another baby, it has to happen soon. I’m turning 38 next year, and I know that female fertility declines with age. I meant to fall pregnant again as soon as my obstetrician said I was ready, but I keep putting it off each month. “We’ll try next month – I just need some more time,” I keep telling my husband, who has been so understanding.

I just feel that I can’t do the mental gymnastics involved to adjust to being pregnant again, when there’s a possibility that I could lose the baby. I know now, more than ever, that miscarriage is common. But experiencing a miscarriage myself was more distressing than I could have imagined.

I know that my husband and I will try again. I know that I will survive this. And I don’t think I’ll ever feel truly “ready” or “okay” to be pregnant. But for now, I don’t think I can do anything else except for wait. I still lie in bed at night, worrying about what would happen if I fell pregnant again. During sex, I reach for the condoms every time. I need just one more month.

Do you have any advice for our writer? Can you relate to this, or know someone who does? Let us know in the comments.

Popular forms of birth control

Contraceptive pillThe Pillis the most popular form of birth control. There are two types: the combined pill, containing two hormones, and theprogestogen-only, or mini, pill, which only contains one female hormone. The combined pill works by preventing the ovary from releasing an egg each month. The mini pill changes the mucus at the entrance of the uterus, which stops sperm from entering. Both are 99.7% effective; however, they don't offer protection from STDs.

Intrauterine deviceIUDs are small, T-shaped devices that are inserted into the uterus by a doctor in order to prevent pregnancy. There are two types of IUD: copper, which affects the movement and survival of sperm in the womb while changing the lining of the womb;and hormonal, which releases progestogen (a synthetic version of the naturally-occurring hormone progesterone) into the uterus. Although IUDs have a success rate of more than 99%, only around 2% of Australian women currently use one.

CondomsThe male condom is a barrier contraception that prevents both pregnancy and the transmission of STDs. They work by collecting semen so it doesn't enter theman's partner's body. Condoms are 95 to 99% effective at preventing pregnancy.

The female condomThe female condom is a pre-lubricated sheath, which loosely fits inside of the vagina. The condom has a removable ring, which helps to insert the sheath and keep the condom in place. A larger ring remains on the outside to cover the opening of the vagina. They are designed to fit all women and can only to be used once. Due to misuse of the product it is only 79 per cent effective.

DiaphragmLike the male condom, the diaphragm is a barrier method of contraception. It's a shallow silicone dome that's inserted into the vagina andcovers the cervix, which is the entrance to the uterus. It's held in place by the pelvic muscles, and works by preventing sperm from entering the uterus. After sex, diaphragms need to remain in placefor another six hours, in which time the sperm inside the vagina die. This method is 88 to 94% effective at preventing pregnancy, although this rate increases with experience.

Birth control implantThis is a 4cm-longimplant that is inserted into a woman's upper arm, just under the skin, by a doctor. It releases a hormone called etonogestrel, which prevents ovulation and thickens the mucus in the cervix, which can stop sperm from entering. Contraceptive implants - usually sold as Implanon - are removed under anaesthetic every three years, and are close to 100% effective.

Vaginal ringVaginal rings are soft plastic rings that contain the same two hormones as the combined pill - oestrogen and progestogen. The ring is inserted into the vagina, where the hormones are absorbed into the body and then prevent the ovaries from releasing eggs. Once inside the ring can't be felt, and it needs replacing every three weeks (with one week's break in between). When used correctly, this method is more than 99% effective.

Depo ProveraDepo is a long lasting hormonal injection. The synthetic form of progesterone is administered every 12 to 14 weeks to woman, preventing pregnancy within this ongoing time period. The injection, which is given in the buttock or muscle of the upper arm, prevents ovulation and thickens the mucus in the cervix, helping to block sperm. The injections are 99 per cent effective but do not protect against STDs. Male contraceptive injections are currently being trialled

The morning after pillEmergency contraception (popularly referred to as the morning after pill) is used to prevent a pregnancy following unprotected sex. Other reasons include missing a contraceptive pill or a condom breaking. It is common in Australia to use the progestogen-only method. This entails a dosage of EC pills containing progestogen or the synthetic version. A doctor can prescribe the pill or they can be bought over the counter at a pharmacy without a prescription. Emergency contraceptionis 85 per cent effective in reducing the risk of pregnancy.

SterilisationSterilisation is a permanent form of contraception. For women there are two types of sterilisation: tubal ligation, in which clips are placed on the fallopian tubes, or tubal occlusion in which a device is inserted into the tubes. These methods work by preventing the sperm from reaching the egg. Tubal litigation is 99.5 per cent effective. The Vasectomy (for men) works by cutting and blocking the tubes called the vas deferens, preventing sperm from leaving the testicles. The chances of impregnation with a vasectomy are 1 in 1000.

If this has post raised any issues for you or if you would like to speak with someone, please contact the Sands Australia 24 hour support line on 1300 072 637.