'My partner was over the moon when I fell pregnant. Just a few weeks later, he changed.'

This story mentions domestic violence.

When Angela* met her former partner, an attractive high profile athlete, she was smitten. It was no accident either — this attractive man, six years her junior, was just as into her. At least that’s what he told her. 

"I was definitely love bombed and swept up in a very intense relationship," says Angela. 

Despite his youth, he was established and self-sufficient, with several properties to his name. Angela had no reason to doubt his feelings. He was in love, he said, and was keen to push the relationship forward — at full speed. 

Watch: Coercive control DV. Post continues after the video. 

"He really did the early groundwork to have me committed to him, and we moved in within six months, despite my being six years older," she said.

Before long, Angela fell pregnant. And while it was a shock to the couple, they were over the moon. Angela was more than ready to have a baby. "I was very excited — as was he," she says. "It was a bit overwhelming, happening so quickly in a very new relationship but I had moved in and it was all happening. We had the best baby nursery and obstetrician — I was well looked after."

Angela's partner made spending time together a priority. Despite being a young sportsman, with a huge group of friends, he chose to spend his time with her, taking her out for dinners, fun nights out, and showering her with affection. 

Then, just weeks into the pregnancy, things abruptly changed. He started drinking. Heavily. He started doing drugs too. And their time together? Dwindled to almost nothing, replaced instead with all-night drinking sessions with his mates. 

"I can definitely see he made short-term changes to lock me into a relationship, and have me fall pregnant before his mask slipped.

"The early red flags were when the drinking started on weekends, and his excuses and gaslighting kept me questioning my own expectations and ‘lack of appreciation’ for all he had provided and given me."

He became increasingly controlling, insisting Angela stay home, and gradually isolating her from family and friends. "The controlling behaviour kicked in fast. He started questioning my behaviour, my past, and anyone that glanced sideways at me had a hidden agenda."

Being pregnant and suddenly faced with an almost-stranger, Angela felt confused, scared, and trapped. "There would be the weekly apology, love bombing, then an issue would arise and he would explode and disappear then come back begging for forgiveness and promising changes.

"The experience made me broaden my boundaries to the point I would stop questioning his whereabouts and behaviours, and started dropping back into my shell. It was a very isolating and depressing experience. Being pregnant made it impossible to be proactive or plan life beyond him. I just had to get through that phase and survive day by day."

Although Angela knew the situation was toxic, she made excuse after excuse for her partner — and herself — blaming his behaviour on an apparent substance addiction; justifying to herself why she wasn't leaving, because she felt like she couldn't leave. 

"It was too late for me to leave viably, financially or practically. It was a depressing experience and came out of the blue after pregnancy," says Angela who, with the support of her family, left the relationship when her baby was six months old.

"In hindsight, I was love bombed and set up by an emotionally manipulative and insecure person. I now know, years later and after a few more bumpy co-dependent relationships with toxic abusers, that it was abuse."

Escalating abuse. 

For Janie*, a long-term victim-survivor of physical abuse, leaving her violent husband after having her baby saw her abuse escalate. "I had to flee to emergency housing when I was pregnant with my daughter because he bashed me and smashed up my car," she says. 

When her baby daughter was born, things became even worse. Her partner became increasingly violent, and would often take off with their baby, bunkering down at his parents' home and refusing to give Janie access. 

"His mother used to say to me that it's my fault he bashes me. There were many times when my daughter was a little baby that I couldn't get her back from them."

When Janie finally went to police, they advised her not to press charges because it might escalate the abuse. When she finally made the decision to leave, he used their daughter to threaten and intimidate her. "He would tell me that I wouldn't see my daughter again because he would make sure everyone knew I was crazy and a bad mother," she says. 

"Even though I had many black eyes during the pregnancy, by the time my daughter was 17 months old, he was granted permission in the family court to have her on a fortnightly basis."

Janie was left feeling broken. Broken for herself and broken for her daughter.

"By this stage, my ex was probably on his third partner, who he abused in front of my daughter. No matter what I did to make people understand, it didn't seem too much of a problem for my daughter to be in those situations. 

"My daughter couldn't sleep for years, and finally told me that every time she closes her eyes, she hears her father beating the second partner after me. It was absolutely heartbreaking, but no one took any notice of me. I was just a crazy mother."

A new type of abuse.

For Peta*, her pregnancy and the subsequent birth of their daughter symbolised a loss of control for her abusive partner, paving the way for their separation, but providing a new opportunity for him to inflict pain.

"We would lie in bed and talk about baby names. I thought we were on the same page. But when I started to question his alcohol and continued cocaine use, he started to change towards me," says Peta. 

The couple had recently reunited after a short break-up. He'd promised he would change, that he had changed. 

He hadn't.

"One morning he asked me to come and see him after he had been out on a cocaine and drinking binge. When I arrived, he screamed at me 'I'm a c**t now, you changed me, you ruined my f**king life, I will never be the same because of you.' The following week I found out I was pregnant."

His abuse was very subversive, says Peta. He told her she had to choose. It was him or the baby. She couldn't have both. "I told him I was choosing the baby because I was 35 and this might be my only chance for a baby. The minute I told him I chose the baby he said, 'If you have this baby, I will never speak to you ever again.'"

From that day on, he treated Peta with a level of disdain that triggered what she describes as a 'mental breakdown' during her pregnancy. The post-separation abuse further exacerbated her trauma. "When I was eight months pregnant, he asked if he could see me. At that meeting his first words were, 'Well, you look... pregnant,' as though I was the most disgusting thing he had ever seen."

Still, she told him the name she'd chosen for their baby. It was a name they'd discussed when she thought they'd both wanted a child. 

"He said, 'You need to know I have a girlfriend, and when you give birth, we are going to pretend you don't exist, we are going to have our time with the baby and when we go out, we are going to pretend the baby is our baby.'

"He would ignore me for weeks and then send me a nasty email telling me things like, 'I want a DNA test' or 'I won't be paying child support until I am confirmed as the father.'"

After the baby was born, he went to the hospital, either drunk or high, took their daughter out of Peta's arms and held her in a way Peta felt was unsafe. "I was recovering from a traumatic emergency caesarean and 48 hour labour, and had to move quickly to protect her little head."

When her ex's new partner fell pregnant, he told Peta he no longer wanted anything to do with their daughter. Peta believes that because she didn't do what he wanted her to do by continuing with the pregnancy — he lost the control he'd held over her for years through physical abuse.

"The coercive control continues to this day with years of stonewalling and my having to contact lawyers for anything I need. He refused to sign the birth certificate, refuses to sign passport papers, writes abusive letters through the Child Support Agency. He refuses to call me by my first name and only calls me specifically by the last name of my first marriage. The ongoing stonewalling is his way of maintaining control. So now his abuse extends not only to me, but also to his first-born daughter."

Pregnancy and domestic violence. 

According to Clinical Psychologist Penelope Lovegrove, while true figures for rates of domestic violence are hard to ascertain, with many women reluctant to disclose, research shows that reported incidences of violence do increase — or commence — for some women during pregnancy. This is particularly so if violence had occurred in the relationship prior to the pregnancy.

"There is an argument to say that abusive behaviour was likely there beforehand, just not reported, or the victim did not recognise the behaviour as abusive until it escalated," Lovegrove says.

There are several variables which may contribute to someone becoming abusive with their partner, Lovegrove says, including substance abuse, acquired brain injury, previous trauma, PTSD, early modelling behaviours, and a range of socio-ecological markers.

For men who have a low tolerance for stress and have learned maladaptive and aggressive ways to deal with stress, pregnancy and new parenthood might bring those predispositions to the surface or further escalate them. 

"If a perpetrator is also showing signs of jealousy, possessiveness, or controlling behaviour, then these feelings and behaviours (may) increase when their partner's time and attention is suddenly divided with a newborn."

While the impact of ongoing violence and abuse is always significant, pregnancy leaves women particularly vulnerable. 

"They may be less mobile, or agile, feel less physically able to protect themselves or their child. Financially they become dependent on their partners to support them during this time, which not only increases vulnerability but may provide a new means for the perpetrator to control them. They may be more isolated from their support systems because of being less mobile too." 

Their fear of physical violence may also increase as they now feel responsible for protecting their unborn child. 

Lovegrove stresses that there is help for vulnerable women during all stages of their lives and urges anyone experiencing domestic abuse to seek help. "Support services are available around Australia, however a good step would be establishing a trusting relationship with your GP or midwife, who can help you get in touch with services in your area."

*Names have been changed to protect privacy.

If this has raised any issues for you, or if you just feel like you need to speak to someone, please call 1800 RESPECT (1800 737 732) – the national sexual assault, domestic and family violence counselling service. 

Mamamia is a charity partner of RizeUp Australia, a Queensland-based organisation that helps women and families move on after the devastation of domestic violence. If you would like to support their mission to deliver life-changing and practical support to these families when they need it most, you can donate here.

Feature Image: Getty.