'I was the mum who snapped over cookie crumbs. Then my toddler said something that broke me.'

With my first child, it showed up as spitefulness and withdrawal. I punished my husband with the cold shoulder for crimes against parenting he didn't know he'd committed and deactivated my social media accounts, only being contactable via carrier pigeon.

Whenever I could, I would try to offload my baby to my mother for a sleepover to simply coexist with my husband as he played games and I streamed Netflix in separate rooms of the house.

With my second child, it showed up as a sensation in my body. I felt electricity all down my arms, chest and back that radiated as heat to my toes. Although I had a social media presence, it mostly gave me time to criticise my own parenting by comparing myself to social media influencers.

Hearing my toddler say, "Mum, you need to say sorry because you made me sad," was when I realised that something had to change. 

That is when I went to my GP and self-referred myself to Karitane, a charity that supports families, to receive mental health support. It took over two months in survival mode to speak with a psychologist, which is not a criticism of the healthcare system.

Watch: Dr. Maryam provides expert advice on postpartum recovery. Post continues after video.

In the meantime, I outwardly became the moody and cranky wife and mother who was quick to snap over cookie crumbs on the floor. I truly recognised that I needed help and was so deeply ashamed of my poor emotional regulation.

I didn't like the person I was, impatient, unkind and unreasonable with her family.

It was the third session that my psychologist dropped the P-N-D term. Up to that point, I didn't think that it applied to me. I didn't believe that I was within the ballpark of it. Surely me and that word will never be acquainted. But there it was, postnatal depression.

"Sometimes postnatal depression shows up as irritability," the psychologist explained.

Then, slowly, it all started to unravel for me. The stonewalling. The confirmation bias. The physical manifestation of anxiety.

The 17th of September marks my second born's first birthday. I am still working through the complexities of life and motherhood. At this point, I question whether it is still postnatal depression or something that has been a part of me for a while.

Angela with her kids. Image: Supplied.

Upon reflection, I truly understand that motherhood did not create my mental health struggles, but shone a light on them. In trying to adjust to motherhood and with little eyes looking at me for guidance, I have seen the need to sort out my sh** by prioritising my mental health.

At times, I think that the idea of supporting mental health can become tokenistic, but it is something that we cannot afford to overlook.

One of my saving graces came from an unlikely source, my friend Scott, who called me while I was on maternity leave checking in, "I know, sometimes, parenthood can change a person, so I just wanted to call."

It was the acknowledgement that I needed to grant myself the permission to be real with my emotions.

From then, I decided to open up a bit more to those around me by letting them know that I am struggling and asking for help how I need it and when I need it.

Communication and building a toolbox of strategies is something I am still currently working on in my psychology sessions, but I am leaning into those around me to practice refining these skills. 

"Communication and building a toolbox of strategies is something I am still currently working on," writes Angela Buenaventura. Image: Supplied

Already being deeply passionate about mental health, this experience has heightened my sensitivity towards the cause. As a mother receiving much needed support to support my own mental health, I would strongly encourage any mother to seek help.

You do not have to carry the heaviness you feel alone.

And for those with friends or family members who have just become mothers or whose friends are even the most polished of mothers, it can be as simple as asking R U OK?

If you or anyone you know needs to speak with an expert, please contact the PANDA Helpline (1300 726 306) — the Post and Antenatal Depression Association.

Feature image: Supplied.