'All my fury was directed at him.' 17 women on how they felt about their partners after birth.

Giving birth and bringing home a new baby represents a major milestone for a couple. The version we typically see in the media of this huge life event is of a happy couple basking in the newborn baby glow; utterly connected and in love.

And while many couples feel this sense of togetherness shortly after their little one's arrival, others, especially those who have experienced a difficult pregnancy or traumatic birth, feel quite the opposite as the term 'post-birth rage' might explain.

We wanted to know how our Mamamia community felt towards their partner in the days and weeks after birth. Were they more connected or did they feel a sense of frustration and rage? 

This is what 17 of them had to say.

1. "I think I experienced post-birth frustration more so than rage. There’s this unspoken feeling that people assume mothers just know what we’re doing, so my partner didn’t realise that I was also trying to figure it all out as much as he was. I made sure that I spoke to him about it so we could work together as a team and I’m so glad I did. I think it absolutely prevented my feelings from becoming more rage filled." - Hanna.

2. "I experienced the opposite of post-birth rage, I felt more connected to my husband than ever and felt stronger and in a love bubble for quite a while. I think the closest I came to rage was around the four to five month mark when the teething started during sleep regression month and my husband's work kicked up a gear. But I think that was more a feeling of being burnt out and just having a really tough time all around - mentally and physically." - Abby*.

3. "My partner needed to return to work fairly soon after we had our baby but wow did he step up when he was home. Watching him with our girl was so rewarding. There were moments of frustration yes, but I think that was us learning how to stumble our way through the unpredictable. For me the 'rage' (strong word!) occurred much later in toddlerhood as our babies have become busier and the mental load seems greater." - Eliza.

4. "We established pretty early on that as long as my husband acknowledged that no one was more tired than me and no one’s back was as sore as mine, then peace would prevail!" - Carly. 

5. "I definitely felt angry with my husband after my first. He complained about a sore tooth the whole time I was in labour. He was there, which he saw as supportive, yet I didn't feel like he was actively supporting me throughout the birth. I felt like it was me and my midwife and honestly, I could have done it without him! I have this photo of him lying in the bed tired with his sore tooth. I felt like, 'WTF, I just gave birth!' 

"To make matters worse, he told my in-laws that we had our daughter and my father-in-law announced it on Facebook before I had even had a chance to be stitched up! So there was even more anger directed at my husband for his dad stealing my moment." - Mary*.

6. "After birth, I felt as if my life had been turned upside down but his remained unchanged. Whilst he was definitely providing support and help, after his paternity leave ended, he returned to work, went back into his usual routine, went to the gym, saw friends, slept peacefully, etc. 

"I felt tired, drained, overwhelmed, and completely changed as a person. I knew I probably needed to get out and see friends and family or do something for myself, but at the same time I didn't want to miss a single moment with my child. It was all a bit of a mind f**k and I felt resentful that I was broken, while he was just keeping on, unscathed." - Heidi*.

7. "I had a very bad experience with the care I received in the maternity ward, and I felt my partner did nothing to advocate for me when I was very vulnerable. We’re past it all now and have had counselling, but the rage I felt towards him was off the charts. I can see now that I was traumatised (and so was he) and combined with a lot of hormones and health issues, all my fury was directed at him. I'm happy to be past that point now." - Lucy.

8. "The first thing that partners don't truly understand is the physical stuff; they have no idea how much you go through carrying a baby, and birthing and caring for them. They don’t know the pain, the complete lack of control of your own body, and all the emotions shaken up by the hormonal highs and lows but also the loss of identity, fear of them not finding you attractive anymore, etc. They also don’t get the feeling of being touched out! Even now, my youngest is nine months old, my eldest is seven years old, and I will frequently have all three wanting physical touch from me whilst my husband is sitting quietly alone with so much space around him! 

"The second thing they don't understand is the freedom to 'just' do anything! I remember when I first had my daughter and my husband called to say he was just going to pop in for a quick a haircut on the way home from work. I’m not sure what I yelled, but it ended with, 'All I want is to just finish a bloody cup of tea!' I laugh now but it can be so isolating feeling 'baby trapped' and it's something that the dad doesn’t always understand." - Sally*.

9. "I love my husband dearly but I could have exploded after my first baby. Things that set me off included him telling me to 'go for a walk and grab a coffee' the day after I pushed a baby out, and him cavorting happily on the beach while I cried and tried to breastfeed in a small room that was boiling hot (I was sweating buckets and didn’t have any water with me). The fact he didn’t check on me and instead invited mates over to hang out with made me see RED. I re-emerged after breastfeeding to see that everyone had eaten and not left me much food!  

"He also did not understand the huge array of emotions I was feeling postpartum - things like not having my own family with me due to border closures. It was a total sense of being misunderstood and on a totally different planet. Another child later and I’m happy to confirm that he gets it better. I was less ragey with number two!" - Lara*.

10. "I felt extra close and connected to my partner. Both of our daughters spent time in special care, and my husband and I really relied on each other for strength and support during those times. The way my husband treated both myself and our girls made me fall even more in love with him." - Tiannah.

11. "My husband went away for work remotely and overseas in the days after two of our children were born. It absolutely crippled me in ways I was not prepared for." - Kim.

12. "Seeing my husband become a father for the first time almost 12 years ago was an amazing experience and made me fall in love with him even more and admire him on a deeper level. From day zero, he showed his love, dedication and care for our daughter that continues to this day. Having a colicky newborn was incredibly difficult, but there was definitely no post birth rage in our lives. It must be so difficult for those that do experience this and hopefully it’s only temporary." - Angela.

13. "I totally hated my partner after the birth of my second child but was super close to him after my first. The biggest difference was that he was there throughout the pregnancy - attended all appointments, was super supportive, and was at the birth. When our first was born, he was home with us for two weeks. 

"My second pregnancy was completely different. He didn't attend any appointments, and didn't really help out much when I was struggling. He wasn't present for the birth and went back to work two days afterwards. I definitely had a lot of anger and resentment towards him. I ended up with postnatal depression. It created a lot of issues, or maybe just revealed a lot of issues, in our marriage. 

"He completely checked out of our relationship and family, despite counselling (in which he insisted everything was fine). Our marriage was officially over less than two years later. I think a lack of support during such a crucial time (pregnancy, childbirth and recovery) just snapped something inside me, and it grew when he couldn't even understand why I was upset. Even now, almost eight years later, memories of it still anger me." - Lisa.

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14. "My partner and I were so much more connected. We both have children to previous relationships and have longed for an 'ours' baby for many years. When she arrived, we both fell head over heels in love with her and each other all over again.

"He took on so much of the house/cooking and running my 10-year-old around to school and all her extra-curricular activities while I snuggled in and fed baby on demand. Watching him and my daughter grow even closer just added to the overwhelming love I felt for him.

"Our little one is six months old now. My partner is FIFO and when he comes home from work and just swoops into action to let me rest, I keep thinking I could go another one!" - Leah.

15. "I don’t think it’s limited to straight after birth! I had so much rage at my partner at various points over the years. Becoming parents really highlights the inequalities in your relationship!" - Laura.

16. "I got pregnant again when my baby was three months old - so definitely no rage then. Our eldest baby is now 15 though and I feel rage all the time. Towards them all!" - Shan.

17. "I have to say I couldn’t believe how connected and close I felt to my husband. And it was instant as soon as my son was born. It was like there was a wall of love around us. It’s super soppy, but that was my experience!" - Cate*.

How did you feel after the birth of your baby? Did it make you feel more connected to your partner or further apart? Tell us in the comments below.

Laura Jackel is Mamamia's Family Writer. For links to her articles and to see photos of her outfits and kids, follow her on Instagram and TikTok.

Feature Image: Getty.