'As a plus sized woman, I used to feel I couldn't say no to sex.'

"Who cares if you starve yourself, at least you’ll be losing weight," my then boyfriend/f*ck buddy/ situationship said to me.

We had both just signed up to a new gym and we were talking about MY weight goals.

While driving me home, he asked me to show him photos of women who had my ‘dream body.’

I shared him images of models like Ashley Graham and Iskra Lawrence - he looked pleased at the idea that I was aiming to look like them.

"You would look so hot, I can see you having a body like this," he said, "but just know it’s going to take a lot of hard work to achieve this."

I agreed with him but mistakenly said I had to be careful about being too restrictive with my food intake due to my history of disordered eating.

He laughed off my concerns and mocked me.

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He made me feel like I was just making up excuses.

I felt like an idiot - how dare I not do everything I can to get smaller? How dare I not be grateful?

I mean this guy was willing to have sex with me before I even started my weight loss journey. He was willing to be seen with me in public while I was fat.

I should do everything I can to become a better version of myself for him.

Looking back now it’s obvious relationships like this were toxic AF and detrimental to my self-worth. But back then I just accepted whatever attention and love I could get.

Being fat I felt like I always had to be grateful to the men that were willing to have sex with me.

If they were generous enough to f*ck me, I had to be the best girlfriend/f*ck buddy/hookup a guy could ask for.

I was the epitome of a ‘cool girl’ - I pretended to care about the same things that they did, I did whatever drug they did, I did whatever they wanted in the bedroom and I never got upset with them.

I was so cool that I would let guys pick apart my body like it was game of Operation. 

My weight, size, body and fat seemed to always be up for conversation with the men I slept with. And they always wanted to fix me, make me into a better version of myself.

With every new guy came a new workout routine, diet plan and fitness goals.

One guy would say I needed to go running every day if I wanted to lose weight. Another would say I needed to count calories.

While another would say I need to cut out an entire food group.

Mind you, none of these men were personal trainers or nutritionists - yet somehow once they started sleeping with me, they all suddenly became fitness experts. 

And some would even dapple in being my personal stylist. "No you can really see your tummy in that."

"Are you sure you want to wear that?"

"I think the black would look more slimming on you."

To avoid receiving such comments 24/7, I always wore 'flattering' clothes. Pants and skirts were always high waist to flatten my belly.

I always covered my arms even if it was 30 degrees outside. And I lived and (barely) breathed in Spanx.

But most importantly - everything I wore had to show off my big boobs. At the time I thought my boobs would distract men from my fatness.

All in all the aim was to always be appealing to men, back then that’s the only thing that mattered to me - the approval of men. 

But look my early years of dating weren’t all bad. I enjoyed sleeping around.

I enjoyed meeting new people. I enjoyed ‘the game’ of it all.

I enjoyed the flirting, the seducing, the f*cking.

I enjoyed recounting my conquests to my friends.

I was the slut of the group, the ‘Samantha Jones’ if you will, and I was proud of that.

Image: Supplied.

As someone who hated their body and never felt attractive, it was thrilling being a big fat slut. But looking back I do wish my choices were better.

I’m not ashamed of the quantity of men I’ve slept with but I definitely am ashamed of the quality. I hate that I let so many men treat me like shit.

And I say only men and not women because at the time I was still navigating my bisexuality (that’s a whole other story for another time).

I hate that I let the approval of mediocre men affect my self-worth. I hate that my fear of rejection affected the men I chose to f*ck.

I hate that my sense of attractiveness and desirability was all dependant on whether some guy on Tinder or some random in a club wanted to have sex with me.

Looking back the thing I wish most for 20 year old me is that she saw ‘fatness’ the way I do now. Back then I saw being fat as the worse thing a person could ever be.

Now I know there is nothing wrong with being fat, plus size, chunky, big, thick - whatever you want to call it.

I didn’t need to be fixed, I didn’t need to lose weight and let’s be real I was (and still am) hot AF. Fat people are sexy, desirable and worthy of love and attention just like straight sized people.

So my advice to other fat guys, gals and non-binary pals in their slut era - you don’t need to be thankful that someone wants to sleep with you, they should be the ones grateful they get to see your gorgeous fat ass!

But most importantly - as RuPaul Charles famously says, “if you can’t love yourself, how in the hell are you gonna love somebody else?”

You can follow Demi Lynch here.

Feature Image: Supplied.