'I’ve arranged funerals for many types of deaths. Then I had to plan my daughter's.'

This is a personal reflection on a mother's loss of her daughter to suicide.

Following an almost two-decade battle against intractable mental illness, my beautiful, intelligent and much-loved daughter, Kate, died by suicide on the 23rd January 2024, aged 41.

Right until the very end, Kate's courage, determination, strength of will and burning desire for a healthy life were astonishing. I am enormously proud of her.

She was, and will always be, an inspiration to me and to the many others who loved her.

Kate was a happy, optimistic, confident, and capable woman who gradually became what she described as "Opposite Kate".

She became sad, timid, frightened by the ordinary things of life, and overwhelmed by a wave of pessimism. She could feel it happening to her, she could describe exactly how it felt.

I began to see that the sufferer of a mental illness like Kate's is trapped inside a brain that does not function properly, and one that interprets the world incorrectly.

It is a mind ridden with anxiety and crushed by chronic, debilitating depression.

Watching her battle, I learned a lot about the illness of the mind, how invisible and misunderstood it can be.

I often questioned, "How can she be ill when she looks so normal?"

It's hard to believe a claim that has no apparent symptoms, and just requires trust.

Watch: Anxiety: the telltale signs. Post continues after video.

All the years I cared for her, I worked as a funeral director, arranging funerals with families in that very early, raw, shattering, life-changing stage of grieving.

I came to observe, understand and appreciate the different types of grief.

Then, after fearing it for so long, I found myself in the same shattering place as my clients. 

This time, the suicide was my child's death: and so, my grief journey began.

Grief is a complex emotion. Each person's experience of grief is individual, theirs, and theirs alone; different from anyone else's, even when there is shared grief for the loss of the same person.

It seems to me that no one can ever truly understand anyone else's grief; one can never say "I understand how you feel" — because, actually, one can't.

I have arranged funerals for many types of deaths. The end of every life is sad and significant, and a source of grief; the grief in cases of deaths by suicide, in my observation, is different. 

"I am enormously proud of her," writes Josephine Humphreys. Image: Supplied.

Why is it so different? Because it evokes a range of emotions beyond grief, emotions that are not typically associated with other types of death, and it can hinder the 'normal' grieving process.

When I spoke to my friend and funeral celebrant Kate Morgan from Tomorrow Funerals on her podcast, Life & Death, Today & Tomorrow, we spoke about the taboo, stigma and shame that can often come from death by suicide.  

Firstly, there is often an immediate lack of compassion.

This normal instinctive emotional reaction can often be missing in a suicide death because people deem that it was their choice. This is often not the case. In my Kate's instance, she desperately fought to live and battled her illness until the very end.

Other emotions of anger, guilt and judgement can also begin to bubble and surface.

Many are hurt or question "why the person did this to them" or "wonder what they missed or did'" to lead to suicide. 

Many also feel a deep sense of 'shame' during this time, normally towards the person for 'not trying hard enough.' Sadly, suicide victims are not looked upon or considered with the same level of compassion and empathy as those who fight cancer, heart disease or other forms of illnesses.

Josephine and Kate Morgan from Tomorrow Funerals. Image: Supplied.

This sense of shame is devastating. It robs people of the freedom to grieve, it places an unfair burden on the family, and undermines the tragedy of the death itself. It is hard enough to lose someone you love in a violent, traumatic way — without also being made to feel ashamed of them. 

Suicide is also a lonely death; no one to say goodbye to you, no one to hold you, the fear that it might not work.

It is an act of utter desperation and pain. No one ever relinquishes life easily, and we must remove the shame associated with it. 

There have been great strides in raising awareness around mental illness in recent years. Organisations like Beyond Blue and movements such as R U OK? Day have worked tirelessly to acknowledge suicide as a genuine illness — a malfunctioning of the brain, just another organ of the body.

I am free to mourn the loss of my daughter with no emotion but pure sorrow. Sorrow for her death, sorrow for her suffering, sorrow for all that she was denied in life. I only wish that everyone in my position had the same freedom to grieve, unburdened by shame or silence.

To find out more or to listen to Josephine's story, head to Life & Death, Today & Tomorrow. 

If you or anyone you know is struggling with mental health issues, there are many agencies available to provide assistance.

If you or anyone you know needs to speak with an expert, please contact your GP or in Australia, contact Lifeline (13 11 14), Kids Helpline (1800 55 1800) or Beyond Blue (1300 22 4636), all of which provide trained counsellors you can talk with 24/7.

Feature Image: Supplied.