‘My cat licked my date's nipple’. All the ways pets are killing our sex lives.

As someone who self-identifies as a single ‘crazy cat lady’, my Ragdoll and I are pretty tight. 

Each night we have our little bedtime routine. I brush my teeth, she has another nibble of her dinner, and then we get into bed together. After I snuggle under the covers and turn out the light, she lays down on my chest and we fall asleep cuddling. 

Which is all well and good until I bring a date home – and then it’s just weird. 

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Because while someone is still expecting their nighty night hug, their human is finding their own level of intimacy with a strange new man in bed and suddenly gets more than she bargained for. 

By the time I’ve plopped the poor cat on the floor two or three times, she finally walks out with her nose in the air while I’m left riddled with pet parent guilt.

Turns out I’m not alone, and a quick scout around the Mamamia office on a Thursday morning delivered the goods. 

Two saucy sausages.

“I have two sausage dogs. We have ramps next to the bed to help them get off and on but when we're 'getting intimate' we have to move the ramps away from the bed to avoid them getting on the bed. They HATE it. They sit next to the bed and cry the whole time – not exactly the right backing noise to get you in the mood. If we forget to move the ramp and they get on the bed they will sit right next to our faces and demand attention.”

A jealous jug.

“Every time my husband and I cuddle up on the couch, our dog (a jug: pug x Jack Russell) tries to push in between us to join, and then if we kiss, she pops up between us and tries to lick our mouths. We do not let this happen but she tries EVERY TIME! It's gross but kind of cute. We just say she's jealous.”

A putout puss.

“My cat doesn’t want to move off the bed when things start. She just stares at us like we are ruining her time. We have to move her off and then she moves to the window or day bed in our room but always sits with her back to us until it’s all over. Big weirdo cat.”

Image: TikTok

A head above the rest.

“My dog's head is right at the level where you can just see her eyes over the top of the mattress, so she just stands there and stares. She's also very old, so it usually involves panting for no reason which is very unsettling.

The c**k blocker.

“We have a dachshund and she has a built-in radar for intimacy. If my husband and I are hugging or getting cosy she will magically appear and cry at the side of the bed until she's picked up. While she can't physically jump onto the bed (thanks to those little sausage legs), she simply will not leave. If we put her outside, we can still hear her crying at the door. The crying really doesn't help with the mood. We've nicknamed her CB (c**k blocker) for this reason.”

Listen to the hosts of Mamamia Out Loud discuss why your pets don't need a Santa photo. Post continues after podcast. 

A cat’s sixth sense.

“My cat has this sixth sense where she knows when my partner and I are about to get it on. She will literally jump on the bed and sit on one of us in the middle of the deed (love that for me). But if we close the door, she howls outside and kills the mood. We literally bought her this laser toy that we use when we're ‘getting intimate’. She's obsessed with the toy and it keeps her occupied the whole time.”

A dog’s tantrum.

“In terms of being intimate, my dog starts up with the barking and will jump up on the bed and start sniffing around. If we lock him out of the room, he has a tantrum and barks and claws at the door. It takes a lot of stopping and starting sometimes but he eventually settles.”

A shell-shocked pooch.

“I got my dog after a breakup and have been single ever since, but given that she follows me E-V-E-R-Y-W-H-E-R-E and basically sleeps on my head, I don't like the chances for my future sex life. I did have a 'friend' over when she was a puppy. We shut the bedroom door and she cried and clawed at it the whole time. When she copped a look at his, ahem, member, afterwards, she looked... shocked. The poor dog.”

Mates before dates.

“My brother's dog physically attacks him every time he kisses his partner. It's his dog and he had him long before he met his girlfriend.”

Image: Giphy.

I’mma just leave this here...

“My cat is a huge creep about nipples and attacks toes if that paints a helpful picture.”

It didn’t. I need more. I prodded further.

“It’s a bit embarrassing but I remember I was kissing someone and their shirt was off and then they went to lay down and my cat went and had a lick of their nip.”

So, what to do about perverted pets?

The nice thing to know is that we aren’t alone with our perverted pets (although maybe the nip-licking cat..I dunno). 

“It is such a common thing,” NORMAL sex coach Georgia Grace told Mamamia. 

“Couples can find it really uncomfortable and distressing to have their pets in the room, but also really distracting if they shut the door and their dog or cat is trying to get in, or they're in the room and just kind of looking at you.”

Georgia’s top tip is to put them outside or a few doors away. Or, just get on with your thing. 

“Some people just don't care if their dog looks at them – the dog has no idea what's going on – but others would be absolutely horrified because they see their pet as a human being that would just be looking at them.”

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Don’t get your fur baby ruin a good time.

According to Georgia, being distracted during sex is a really common concern for many people, and it can have “tangible effects” on your sexual experience. 

“People often say that they don't feel anything because they're so in their head, so they have no idea what they're actually feeling in their body,” she explained. 

“That can then have an impact on how much pleasure they're experiencing and even their orgasm, because if you can't even recognise sensation, you often can't recognise pleasure, and then you don't know what you want or need in order to build arousal to experience orgasm.” 

Distraction can also affect our desire and willingness for sex, how connected we are to our partner and the overall experience. But of course you can never shut off your head entirely, and quite frankly, you don’t want to. 

“When we talk about being present during sex, you want to focus on being connected to your body, but you're not just a body without a brain having sex,” Georgia said. 

“These systems are interconnected. Instead of always being free from thought, if your dog is distracting you it's about acknowledging, ‘Okay, that's annoying, I've now gone out of the present moment, what do I need to do in order to come back and feel present, be connected, be attuned to my desires and my needs’.” 

So, with our orgasms at great risk (!), I hope next time you’re getting jiggy you’ll remember to put the dog out first. Or maybe just let them watch the show. 

Image: Getty

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