There's a type of man fooling everyone, and you've probably dated him.

You're sitting at a café, enjoying your iced matcha. At a table to your right, a man gives you a knowing nod as he picks up his own drink with his painted nails. It's also a matcha. The sleeves of his oversized jumper swallow his arms as he takes a sip.

Leaning down, the man picks up a tote bag from the ground and places it on his lap. Printed on the side are five words: "Men should go to therapy." Rummaging in the bag, the man pulls out a tube of SPF, wired headphones, and a heavily annotated book. He places the tote back on the ground.

Crossing his legs, he reveals a Labubu dangling from a Carabiner attached to the belt loop of his wide-legged jeans. Removing his John Lennon-inspired glasses, the man applies his SPF before returning the glasses to the bridge of his nose. He puts the headphones in and opens the book to the first page.

He is a cocktail of green flags. A man written for the female gaze. He's reading? Intellectual king! He has a tote bag? Environmental diva! He paints his nails? Secure in his masculinity!

"[This aesthetic] offers visible proof of qualities the modern woman values," Sara Tang, a certified sexologist and relationship coach at wellness brand Nancy, told Mamamia.

"Reading, therapy, skincare, self-care routines — these are all easy markers that signal someone is thoughtful and caring. In a world where the bar for male emotional awareness has historically been low, even small, visible efforts can look impressive."

An hour later, you look back over at the matcha-drinking male. He is still on the first page of his book. Removing his phone from his back pocket, he meticulously lines up his Matcha and book and begins to take photos. For 10 minutes, he arranges and rearranges the items, testing out different angles for his Instagram story. Repeatedly, his eyes will glance up and scan the crowd, desperate for validation.

And, just like that, the illusion is shattered. He is nothing but a "performative male".

Watch: The 'performative male' contest in Sydney. Post continues after video.

What is a performative male, you ask?

Essentially, a performative male is a man who puts his awareness of feminist, gender-progressive, or "female-centric" culture on full display, using aesthetic choices, accessories, and gestures to signal thoughtfulness, care, or cultural literacy.

But, it's all for show.

Most women know a guy like this. Chances are, you've dated one. On the surface, he's the walking embodiment of a green flag: the tote bag, the books, the talk of therapy, the carefully cultivated air of "I'm not like other men". But after a few weeks, the cracks show.

These men perform their progressive ideals to attract women, earn approval, or look morally superior, often glossing over the ways their actions may actually be self-serving or manipulative.

"It's not just about aesthetic, it's about men who speak the language of emotional availability, but don't practice," explained Tang.

"They've figured out that sharing a neatly packaged story about their anxiety or dropping a line about 'being in therapy' earns approval without inviting real scrutiny."

This type of guy has gone viral on social media recently, with users sharing clips of "performative males" in the wild: men with tote bags and unread books at cafés, on escalators, on park benches. One woman even shared a story of a man who brought his sourdough starter to a Pilates class. And, I'm sorry, there's just no way that was necessary.

These ~sightings~ have become so frequent that some people took it amongst themselves to host "performative male" contests around Australia (and worldwide, for that matter). During these contests, men who are in on the "performative male" joke would adopt the aesthetic and gather together, all hoping to be crowned the most performative male on the day.

Men rocked up to these contests with Labubus dangling from their pant pockets, offering menstrual pads and heat packs to the surrounding women. They pretended to read books like Twilight, all while headphones, glasses, and even vasectomy certificates fell out of their tote bags.

One of the men at the performative male contest. Image: TikTok/@thesneakerlaundry

"I'm tired of schools teaching history. It's time for HERstory," read one guy's t-shirt.

"Periods are evil. Why can't men be nicer?" read another.

If you're thinking, 'This is a bit harsh. Aren't we supposed to be celebrating gender non-conformity? Shouldn't we be applauding men for embracing traditionally female-coded aesthetics?'

To that I'd say, 'Sure! And if men genuinely want to paint their nails and carry around Labubus, all power to them'. What I take issue with are the men who weaponise this aesthetic to their advantage, knowing women will consider them thoughtful or caring, only to reveal themselves as utterly emotionally unavailable.

The glasses and tote bags themselves aren't the red flags, it's the three things that often accompany them. According to relationship coach Tang, these are: a constant need for external validation, actions that don't match words, and avoiding real vulnerability. 

"You can pick up on [the red flags] surprisingly early — often within the first three-to-five dates," she told Mamamia.

"You're looking for small inconsistencies. When he asks a deep question, does he actually listen to your answer, or is he just waiting to drop an impressive anecdote?

"When he talks about emotional topics, does he address them in a broad way, or does he share something truly personal?"

Another trick, said the relationship coach, is to "watch him in situations when he's stressed, uncomfortable or triggered".

These types of performative men will often weaponise "therapy language" and buzzwords to appear emotionally evolved. But, when push comes to shove, they don't practice what they preach.

"Therapy language is easy in calm moments. It's in conflict that you see whether they can apply the language or if it's just talk," said Tang.

"Also, look out to see if his actions consistently align with what he says. For example, if he talks about valuing boundaries, does he respect yours? If he talks about promoting self-awareness, does he reflect on his own feelings and behaviours?"

The relationship coach explained that "real self-work involves sitting with messy truths; being willing to admit mistakes".

"But performative self-growth is frictionless. They'll always have the right answer, but you won't see any of the hard emotional work that was put in to get there."

"It's about men who speak the language of emotional availability, but don't practice." Image: TikTok/@sgwoo_

These types of performative males absolutely thrive on social media, which "rewards curation over authenticity".

"We've normalised presenting an edited version of ourselves, so for some men, that performative self just spills into dating," Tang said.

"The line between the brand you're creating and the person you are gets blurred."

How to spot genuine emotional availability amid all the performative matchas.

There are a few ways, Tang said. One green flag is when a guy remembers the small things.

"It's not about grand gestures — it's about whether someone listens and remembers what you've said. Do they check in when they know you've had a busy day? Do they follow up on things you've shared without being prompted?"

A second is when he is comfortable with vulnerability.

"Another sign of a genuinely available partner is the ability to be open about fears, mistakes, and insecurities," Tang explained. "It doesn't have to be heavy all the time, but if they can admit when they're wrong or share what's going on beneath the surface, that's a big green flag."

Thirdly, when he is open to influence.

"He lets your perspective genuinely shift his thinking, rather than just acknowledging it and moving on. This isn't about agreeing with everything you say. It's about showing that your opinions and feelings matter enough to be considered."

For women who consistently attract these type of "performative" and emotionally unavailable men, Tang suggested asking some vetting questions like: What's something you're proud of? What do you do when you feel stressed or anxious? Who in your life has influenced you the most?

"Performative people will often stick to surface-level answers or abstract ideas. Someone genuinely emotionally available will be willing to reflect on real experiences, admit what's hard for them, and give non-polished answers that show depth and vulnerability," she said.

"My main advice would be to slow down. Consistency takes time to show. Don't commit to someone based on the image he sells in the first month, wait to see who he is when the initial shine wears off."

So, next time you see a matcha-sipping, Labubu-wearing man, remember: his book might read emotionally intelligent, but that doesn't mean he is. In fact, he probably hasn't even got past the first page.

Feature Image: Getty (Stock image for illustrative purposes only).