Pause after three bites and sit in the 'Duchess Slant': All Kate Middleton's hosting rules.

Darling, could you host a party like a princess?

If you’re anything like us, hosting a dinner party looks a little something like this: 10 rowdy friends sitting around two mismatched tables on nine-and-a-half mismatched chairs (wait, is that a box?) eating some kind of mystery casserole and a lots of cheap red wine. Lots. Of. Cheap. Wine.

Fair to say, then, that entertaining a princess might be a bit of a stretch.

Luckily for us mere mortals, a Royal Etiquette Expert named Myka Meier has spilled all her behind-the-scenes secrets to Country Living Magazine of what it takes to throw a party like *actual* Princess Kate Middleton.

Take notes.

Thou shalt send out invites.

No texting your mates an hour beforehand to ask them around for a chop on the barbie: a proper princess takes the time and effort to send a proper invite.

And yes, that includes also online invites, says Meier - "The Duchess herself uses Paperless Post!"

It might officially be fall, but @oscardelarenta florals are always in season. ???? #oscardelarenta #ikat #bridalshower (????: @gritandgraceinc)

A photo posted by Paperless Post (@paperlesspost) on Sep 23, 2016 at 9:39am PDT

Thou shalt not be a headless chook.

Preparation is the key for a well-oiled dinner party. Last minute burnt bits or forgotten guests only tend to happen when you're rushing - so take the time in the day (or days!) beforehand to start preparing your home and the food. And your outfit. And your hair. And your husband's well-pressed suit lying on the bed by a glass of whisky....wait, what era is this?

While we're learning from the royals, here's how you parent like one. (Post continues after Podcast)

Thou shalt sit like a lady, dammit!

Did you know that Kate Middleton has a STYLE of SITTING? Yes, a style of sitting. It's called the 'Duchess Slant', and basically involves perching on the edge of the seat with your legs folded daintily to the side.

Not crossed on the chair. Not playing footsies under the table. And most certainly not out to the side as you munch down on a chicken wing.

Behold, the Duchess Slant:

Thou shalt eat, eat, eat, stop. Eat, Eat, Eat, Stop.

According to Meier, the Duchess takes three (four, max) bites of her food, then pauses - cutlery down - to talk, or smile, or burp silently or whatever it is she does.

Whilst this rule might be a little stringent for most, I think the point we can all take away is like, breathe between bites. Don't inhale the meal. Just be chill, yo.

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Thou shalt not throw bag onto random kitchen bench.

Thou shalt give guests both knives AND forks. (And spoons if they're lucky.)

Grabbing a handful of mismatched spoons and forks from the cutlery drawer en route to the table is not going to cut it, sweetie darling. You need to be setting that table up well before your guests arrive. Knife, fork, spoon, napkins. Heck, if you wanna get real fancy - throw out two forks. Two spoons. TWO KNIVES. And just remember: start from the outside in.

Thou shalt not greet guests with a high-five.

Or a slap on the bottom. Or by asking them to throw their keys in the bowl. According to Meier, it's all about a peck on the cheek and a firm handshake.

Thou shalt feed and water guests sufficiently.

There's nothing worse than leaving a dinner party hungry - so don't force your lovely guests to scoff a McDonald's cheesie en route home. Ensure that you have plenty of tucker to go around. How much is that, exactly? Three hors d'oeuvres per guest.

"If you have nine guests, you should serve a selection of at least three foods," says Meier.

That needs to include a vegetarian option, and some napkins. And maybe a toothpick. And a polite host to point out corn in your front teeth.

Thou shalt introduce the guests and not forget any names.

Once your guests arrive, don't ditch them in favour of hiding in the linen cupboard with social anxiety. GTFO there and shake some damn hands. As Meier points out that, "As the host, your job is to speak to and engage each of your guests, making sure everyone is happy, comfortable and feels welcome."

Again, no high-fives or bottom pats.

Thou shalt carry a teeny handbag. A handbag for dolls.

Do you arrive to dinner parties with a giant handbag containing your laptop, makeup bag, first aid kit, rocking horse, university homework, childhood photo albums, and packed lunch just in case? Then you need to downsize, sister.

As you have probably noticed, Princess Kate Middleton is always carrying a teeny tiny clutch. That's what you're aiming for: a handful of coins, your lipstick, and a single tissue.

Thou shalt have a clean dunny.

No empty handwash. No dirty toilet. No grubby hand towel. NO TOOTHPASTE ON THE SINK.

"The Duchess will also probably have lightly scented soap and paired hand cream," says Meier.

"Many upper class British homes prefer bar soap to liquid, so the duchess may use that in her private quarters."

Oh, and another thing? You're not allowed to announce you're off to the loo. Just go.

Thou shalt do the dishes. (Sorry.)

No, you're not allowed to let your guests do the dishes. Even if they insist. Even if they drop to their hands and knees, clutching the washing up gloves, begging to please scrub your Crock-Pot.

No.

"A good guest should always offer to help; however, an even better hostess would never accept," says Meier. "Hosting is hard work and your goal is to make sure your guests are relaxed and feel taken care of at all times. They should not be helping in the kitchen or cleaning."

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