'I'm a parenting expert and I need teenage boys to know this one thing.'

Consent was the topic for one of the segments this week on Parental Guidance, the hit TV show on Channel 9 that puts Australia's parenting practices under the microscope.

In one of the ad breaks, our family began chatting. Within moments, my daughters began describing experiences they'd had where boys had been inappropriate.

"When I was in Grade Four, the boys used to follow the girls around talking about whether they'd have sex with us or not", explained one daughter.

"We've all had unwanted images sent to us", confirmed another.

Then there were the stories about their friends — and other girls — in their grades.

"You'd let me do it if you loved me."

"If you break up with me I'll kill myself." 

One of my children told me, "My friend was at the lunch table when some boys sat nearby and began talking about her.

"They described sex acts they thought she might have been doing on the weekend just gone, and then started to talk about what they'd like to do the following weekend to her."

"What grade was this?" I asked.

"Fifth grade."

Listen: Cathrine Mahoney On The Teen Years And The Parenting 'Lasts' You Don't See Coming. Post continues below.

It's everywhere.

A quick browse of any mainstream news outlet provides weekly descriptions of sexualised behaviour. 

• Boys sharing racist content. 

• Boys sharing anti-Semitic memes. 

• Boys sharing misogynistic slogans. 

• Boys shaming other boys for being a "simp" (being nice to girls). 

• Boys sharing hardcore pornography. 

• Boys sharing child-abuse material. 

In May, the prestigious Brisbane Boys College hit the news. Allegedly, a Snapchat group set up by Year 10 boys was discovered containing potentially illegal material, including "inappropriate images".

In June, a teenage boy was charged after a Grade 7 and Grade 8 Snapchat group, which allegedly depicted paedophilia, bestiality, and other hardcore porn, was discovered at Noosaville's Good Shepherd Lutheran College. 

For the past three years, I have been writing a book for parents raising tween and teen boys. Of the 10 books I've written, none have challenged me so much.

But make no mistake. This behaviour is now ubiquitous. And it has been for decades.

It's just that technology has amplified it, magnified it, and extended its reach. And the data shows that people are being hurt.

The Australian Child Maltreatment Study points to teen boys as the demographic most likely to offend sexually, and teen girls (and those younger) are the most likely to be harmed. 

Watch: Does social media negatively impact teen mental health. Post continues below.

"Show me your bonus".

Let's switch up the context for a minute.

I want to step into the adult male domain. Post-divorce, my colleague Jen* told me that she was done with men, saying, "They're not worth the hassle."

"How come?" I asked. And I'm not going to lie. I was a little bit offended.

"Two types of men on dating apps," she said. "Those who send dick pics, and those looking for a woman to basically be a housekeeper/mother who provides sexual benefits." Jen wasn't interested in either.

"Every guy I've met expects me to cook, clean, support him emotionally, and provide sex. None of them add any actual value to my life," she said.

"So what you're saying to anyone who swipes right is 'Show me your bonus?'" I asked.

"How is this guy going to show up and add something to you, rather than being a drain on you emotionally, sexually, financially, and in terms of everyday household labour and cognitive load?"

Jen's response: "Exactly."

No hesitation.

"They don't bring any value. Show me what you bring besides expectations that I'll do it all for you and give myself to you."

Look for the 'chair stackers'.

For the past three years, I have been writing a book for parents raising tween and teen boys.

Of the 10 books I've written, none have challenged me so much. Why?

How do you define healthy masculinity? And what is the role of a man in today's society? Most importantly, what are parents supposed to teach their boys?

These are the questions I've wrestled with. And I've landed on the answer.

There are three key ways of describing the same idea — and if we could teach our boys this one thing, I believe it would make all the difference.

Those ideas are:

• Be a bonus

• Provide surplus value

• Help the people around you feel safer and stronger

Let's tackle them one by one.

Be a bonus.

My friend "Jen" (see above) gives us what we need there.

Provide surplus value.

The formula? Simple, and yet, lost in the noise of today's world:

• Show up.

• Be considerate.

• Give more than you take.

• Serve without expecting applause.

• Use your power to make those around you feel safer and stronger.

I teach my daughters (I have six of them) to look for the guy who stays back after the event and volunteers to stack the chairs.

Another way of saying this is "find the guy who sees the need and fills it — without being asked". 

Help the people around you feel safer and stronger.

One of my daughters broke up with her boyfriend after a couple of months of dating. It had never become too serious, but we were surprised. And she was heartbroken.

As we sat together to listen, I asked, "What made you pull the pin?"

Her response was electrifying: "Dad, he didn't make me feel safe or strong. He was always pushing me for more, physically. I only felt safe when other people were around. And he was always putting me down and making jokes at my expense. I didn't feel strong."

Yes, it was a "proud dad" moment.

But let's extrapolate that across every interaction every young man in Australia has with those around him (or every full-grown man).

Imagine every man pausing and asking, "Is this making the people around me feel safer?" Or "Is this making the people around me feel stronger?"

Only a healthy man who has done the inner work, developed character, and knows how to add value to the lives of others can do this. But this is what 'real men' do.

This is a kind of masculinity that is not a performance. It's not a hashtag.

It's a quiet, enduring force that makes the world better for everyone it touches. It's the masculinity we need more of. That's the kind of masculinity our boys need to learn — and earn.

Dr Justin Coulson is the co-host and parenting expert on Channel 9's 'Parental Guidance', and he hosts The Happy Families Podcast. He and his wife, Kylie, are parents of six daughters. Join the waitlist for his forthcoming book, "Boys," here.

Feature image: Getty.